The Best Laid Plans...

There are so many things going on while I'm here in Oklahoma... a friend that was loved dearly by one and all in our Meetup group has died - from what I gather is suspicious circumstances (we are waiting for the medical examiner's report... THAT'S never good any way you look at it) and I am deeply bothered by this. He was ALWAYS upbeat and happy and thought of others long before he would consider himself. That always set off bells, lights, and whistles in me, but that's just my way of thinking. Anyway, recently I suggested to him that we start a book together of gratitude for our particular Meetup. I was serious about it but had been busy with another "situation" in my life and had not gotten back with him about it. Now, I don't blame myself (if it comes to anything like that) for something that might have happened, but it gives me pause to consider what this man might have been going through... those are just my preliminary thoughts. Again, we are waiting on the medical examiner's report. Namaste my friend, David.

My "other situation" has been with an 18 year-old who aged out of foster care and was on her way to a new life. That new life didn't work out and I was doing my best to help her, and protecting my own self at the same time -- knowing full well that situations like this can be risky in more ways than one. Let's just say that no good deed goes unpunished and I am "persona non grata" in her life now. So be it. I am not a parent, though, and am not used to these feelings of betrayal and watching someone make HORRIBLE choices knowing full well what awaits them. I mean, I have nieces, but my nieces have made pretty good choices, and I am still in touch with both of them (THANK GOD!!!) and I think they both still want me in their lives (I hope it stays that way). I was SO unprepared for the hurt I felt. Without the help of the General Manager here at the hotel I don't know where I would have turned for solace. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty... LOL I am emotionally in her debt, and I know the Universe is watching out for me.

I am loved, and alive, and so lucky to be me and have the intelligence, the upbringing, the friends, all the things that have come together to make me who I am -- including all the bad stuff. That's made me able to understand some of this better than I would have been able to had I had a "gifted" life. I learned a new saying today from a friend here: It is an old Asian saying: "May you have an interesting life." Ahhh, yes. I think I can say I have had an "interesting life". I wouldn't have it any other way. LOL

Surviving

I've been reflecting on people referred to as "survivors" and the traits peculiar to them as opposed to others not necessarily labelled as survivors. Those people that exhibit a gift for going through life challenges that, on the surface, daunt others. Those individuals that live through things most of the population never have to deal with; who face difficulties that seem horrendous and come through them seemingly unscathed -- ready to face another day. What is their motivation to survive? Where does their will to overcome these challenges come from? Is it mere habit? Are they just old souls that don't know any better? Have they been reincarnated so many times that it's just all they know to do? Have they been given a special gift? Do they love life more than the rest of us? Do they have loved ones that couldn't live without them and they live for them? Or can they not live without their loved ones and they survive to live another day with them? What if they aren't really tied to anyone? What then? What do THEY survive for? Do they survive just to say they survived? Is it in the genes? Is it hard-wired into them? Maybe it runs in families, in certain types of personalities or in the birth order. Or in how many tragedies they have witnessed before the first life challenge presents itself... and they have had time to think about the nature of tragedy and how it unfolds.

Tragedy unfolds one simple moment at a time... it doesn't unfold all at once. Some moments are more horrific than others, some moments hurt more than others, but it only lasts for a moment, then it's over. Another moment starts and takes the last moment's place and it's not quite as bad... or it's worse and you laugh because you thought the last moment was so awful. You just have to hold on then it's over, and you can start again in the next moment. Maybe that's it; when you've seen enough tragedy -- when you've had so many challenges that you understand the nature of tragedy -- it becomes YOUR nature. You just figure it out. You know that moments don't last forever; only forever is forever.

Hello, It's Me...

If I were to describe my life to you now and compare it to my life of two years ago you might doubt it was the same person.  LOL  Many dreams have come true over these two years, many life experiences have taken place that naturally do in life, and then some experiences have altered my short term plans in a big way.  I'm at a point where I need to...  RE-ALIGN is the only word that is coming to me.  Huh...  I like that.  Re-align with the Universe.  OK.  That works for me.  I labeled my illness and resulting lobectomy and surgeries "Debi's Detour".  I think this can be the "Realignment".  Oops, gonna have to Google "re-align" and "realign".

I'm tired, I'm in pain, my brain fog is overwhelming right now (to the point of scary), and I have so much work to do to prepare for homelessness.  That's a lot of things to bring into alignment.

Yep.  I like that term.  I need to realign the negative perception I have about my recent experiences with the serenity I found through the trials of those experiences.  Through meditation, serious study and contemplation I was able to find my peaceful place; my "go to" place, my Nirvana if you will.  It happened during the process of the second surgery in February 2013.  I had an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to make it through that, and at some level I still believe my time is ticking by quicker than it was before - and that's one of the things I need to accept.  I have come to understand that I cannot get back to living without acknowledging that I am dying.  Several times I thought I had accepted death, and maybe I did.  Or maybe I just gave up...  I mean, when you're comatose the thinking process isn't very sharp.  I don't remember being aware of much during that time; I was in and out of consciousness.  I had an understanding, though, that I was going to die if Dr. Miller couldn't figure out what was wrong.  He did though, obviously, and I IMMEDIATELY moved on to the next (simultaneous) crisis in my life -- my divorce and the death of my Father.

A big positive recently; I have found a sister from one of my prior lives.  I was a mermaid [SHOCK! -- Alert the media!!!] in a prior life, but it was a life I lived very long ago, indeed.  I mean eons.  We were very close sisters.  Her name was Clarissa, mine was Emily.  The night we realized this was incredibly emotional, to say the least.  I'll blog about that another time.  It's just so validating when you recognize someone, and they recognize you, from one of their past lives and immediately knows who you are, what you are, and loves you.  I just kept saying, "I FOUND YOU!  I FOUND YOU!"  People thought we were nuts.  No.  I'm pretty sane.  Just "re-aligning", thank you.

Namaste, my friends,

Your Mermaid

Walk on the Beach 11/14/10

The world always looks better after a trip to the beach, er, ocean. Well, call it what you will. They're kinda indivisible. Ever thought of that? If you go to the beach you go to the ocean, or at least a body of water. In Texas we had a lot of lakes that frequently were better called big mud puddles, but there was always a beach. I frequently camped on the beach and scuba dived in the big mud puddle attached to it. :) Very fond memories.

You can really tell the Snowbirds are back in Florida. There was a lot more trash on the beach tonight; most notably plastic bags that I picked up and threw away. The birds were pecking on them out of curiosity. Some humans are such pigs.

The sunset was gorgeous, of course, but I didn't see any dolphin feeding. The sand was so cold that by the time I had walked the width of the beach to reach the shore my toes were frozen! The water was a little warmer but not my much. I didn't time my walk very well. The time change still has me confused. By the time I got there it was later than I thought so I had to turn around before I reached the pier. But I still got some good thinking in, found 2 really great shells (some obsessions may never go away), found my sense of humor and left with serenity and peace. Life is never perfect, but all is well.

The Two-Day Filter

OK. Putting time and space inbetween "news" and "action" often helps one's perspective. It's been two days since I found out that I may be losing some income and may not be able to make ends meet each month. I've mulled it over and put it through the "outside the box" computer - or whatever that magic thing is that gets me out of these tight squeezes every time I'm in them.

Maybe living in a tent isn't the best "Plan A". I'd love to go back to work part time, but that brings problems all its own. It wouldn't bring in more money, and it might eventually lead to a whole lot less money. Of course, that's not the real problem. I don't think I COULD work. I don't have easy access to sumatriptan right now - and I would need that to work; my back is still a daily painful issue; and I might be putting my insurance in jeopardy and I can't afford to do that. In so many cases it is the government that keeps people on disability, not the individuals themselves. The system is set up so that it becomes impossible to get out of it if you have a chronic illness. Life just isn't black and white like the government would like for it to be... like so many people would like for it to be. Sure, I'd love it if life were clear cut and laid out perfectly but I learned long ago it isn't. I guess it's just another place I don't fit in. (Wow, I'm not in a good place this weekend.)

So -- I don't think going back to work is the answer. I had hoped to when I moved down here, and maybe sometime in the future I can, but not now. NEXT!

What about a roommate? Baaaaaaaaahaaahahahahaha!!!!!! I only want a roommate if he'll fuck my legs off three nights a week and on weekends. Oh, and he has to be a soulmate, too. NEXT.

Sell everything? God knows I'm trying. Well, OK, not very hard. I'm still in the middle of getting all my stuff to Florida. That's why a big part of me is so angry. I had everything where I wanted it here in the apartment and now I have to practically re-situate everything to accomodate the stuff that I really wanted to put there in the first place. Did you get that??? The stuff I really wanted all along was in Greensboro.

I'm looking back at this move and wondering how all this happened... Did I bring this all on myself? Should I have asked for help? You see, I will do just about anything to not feel like a victim. I spent far too much of my life feeling like a victim. So I do the opposite of being a victim - I blame myself for things that might not be my fault rather than blame someone else for things that happen to me. But it feels better to take responsibility for myself and then have it be on me than feel like a victim. Maybe that's why I have trouble asking for help. I don't want to be victimized ever again. And I figure if no one helps me then I'll be responsible for everything I do.

Hmmmm... there's something wrong with that logic. LOL Maybe a little over-reaction to being a victim, huh. Then, of course, there's that perceived reality that no one really cares enough to help me, anyway. That has certainly been proven a couple of times. Again, though, that is also an over-reaction to unforeseen circumstances where people couldn't show up due to various reasons. Well, that, and the incessant belittling from my Ex. [Thank you, Dr. Freud. We now return you to Debi's Blog.]

Bloody hell, where was I? I think I'm going to take this stupid money issue and table it, or better yet sink it during my walk at the beach tonight. If my days are numbered I want to enjoy them. Worrying about this shit isn't going to make it go away or put it off. I want to think about how wonderful it is that I live here at all... how grateful I am for everything I have, and that I don't have a headache today. I have food to eat, if not all my drugs, but fuck my drugs. Who needs them? :) I want to yell across the ocean that Aung San Suu is free - at least for the time being - and feel the gratitude in my bones. When I am cheering up my friends and family I never think of my problems. I would so much rather do that than worry about me. I don't know if that is the path to enlightenment or not. I hope so. It sure as hell makes me feel better, and it seems to make others feel better. However, I DO know that all the "Christians" in my life think I'm going to hell if I try to be "enlightened". But not to worry. I don't believe in hell. :) I DO believe that when we are negative bad things happen, and we must try to be as positive and kind as we can. But that is for another blog... I've got to get back to work on this seemingly impossible task of re-arranging my apartment. It'll get done. At some point.

You MUST Listen To Your Soul

I am feeling overwhelming gratitude this minute - hell, this week. So many incredible things have happened this week; both bad and good, and in time they have shown their true colors and made clear what I needed to see.

I just arrived home from a dinner Meetup where I met wonderful, new people and, FOR THE FIRST TIME, saw old, familiar people that I'd seen at other meetups and recognized AND THEY RECOGNIZED ME! And just by being who I am I was able to make a newcomer feel as if she'd been there for years (I have a way of doing that - if I do say so myself). The people that recognized me were giving me a hard time, joking with me about being a dive instructor and a football fan. I felt like one of the group. It was wonderful.

After dinner we went to the first bar I went to when I first moved here: Ozona Blue. It has a swimming pool, a jacuzzi, and is right on the water. It's fucking amazing. There was live music tonight (as there was at the other place, but for some reason - which I don't care to detail at this time - we decided to go down the road a half mile and the equivalent of Key West to South Beach) and we drank and danced and had a great time. After everyone left I stayed and bathed in the moonlight - trying my best to get a moonburn on one of the lounge chairs listening to the band. I couldn't understand why someone, on a Friday night, would want to leave the company of a live band (who was pretty good), the quarter moon, the sound of the waves lapping at the boats tied up nearby, the glow of the pool, the service of the waiters in the cool breeze of a Florida evening. I just didn't get it. Search me. I have to get up early this morning, too, but SERIOUSLY! NOTHING is that important. If it is you don't have your priorities in order.

So when I finally peeled myself out of that lounge chair I meandered down 19 Alternate (which runs down the Gulf Coast) and stopped by (first) Edgewater to walk the pier and cry. I do this frequently; both walk the piers and cry. LOL I talk to the water and tell it my dreams and how soon I will see it. This time I could tell it it would be really soon. :) I'd found my scuba shop and I now knew it was going to be REALLY soon. I stopped to think about that for a moment... I've been here a bit over 2 months, and as impatient as I am I have found a scuba shop. That's bloody ridiculous. OH - I'M SORRY. I didn't find them - they found me. Well, pretty much.

Anyway, I dried my tears, got back in the car, and continued down 19 Alternate to Sunset Point - my street. Well, basically my street. I live right off of it - you probably can't find my street on a map to save your life. It DID take the U.S. Postal Service an entire MONTH to find me, after all. I pulled off at 19 and Sunset Point to a lookout on the Gulf and sat and looked at Clearwater Beach across the bay for a few minutes. I still can't believe I live here. I wake up every day to this ridiculous noise of Highway 19 - the deadliest road in Florida - a sound I have grown to love (how nuts is that???), I hear the whirl of my ceiling fan in the background (because it is now cool enough to leave the windows and doors open and cool the apartment with the fans only), I hear the birds, the frogs, the crickets, the occasional emergency siren, noisy neighbors, and endless other noise pollution and I know I am in paradise. Frankly, the apartment that I lived in in Greensboro which was situated in the middle of a protected National Park was FAR MORE QUIET than where I live now.

So why do I go to sleep and wake up knowing I am in the paradise I never want to leave for the rest of my life??? It makes me laugh! I can't smell the salt water from here, I can't see it from here, I can't smell fish from here, I have some palm trees around but no mangroves and CERTAINLY no manatees. But I am home. Wherever I am in this silly place, as long as I'm within spitting distance of the beach I'm home. And trust me, that "spitting distance" is getting shorter and shorter every day. LOL

The gratitude I am feeling is overwhelming and, at times, feels like one of those waves that will overtake you when you're in about waist deep. I get angry at times for staying in Greensboro for so long. I feel like I wasted so much time. I felt so lost and I felt like Greensboro was the center of the Universe and I was such a nobody. That is how I know that it was not very good for me. The center of the Universe should never feel like it is on Earth. It isn't. I now feel like I am balanced, and the Earth and the Universe are balanced around me. I believe THAT is what the world should feel like. When we begin to feel like we are the center of the Universe, or someone near to us is (like when your Father is dying) then we should realize that our world is out of balance; because - as stands to reason, it is.

I am still a bit peeved at Greensboro, but I will forgive. I always do. I simply couldn't get here any quicker. It wasn't within the realm of possibility. However, if you are reading this and you have any of the above-mentioned symptoms, or you feel the least bit unhappy where you are, GET THE FUCK OUT AND RUN TO THE PLACE THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. You will never be sorry you did. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

The New Scuba Meetup

What's the next great thing that the Universe has in store for moi? Getting wet. Scuba, here I come. I had joined a scuba meetup and was really underwhelmed with them for different reasons. But Wednesday night there was another one I joined that was holding their monthly meeting just up the road a tad so I attended and was pleased with what I found.

First of all, there was a woman running the meeting. This is no small deal. Being a woman that was taught by Navy divers over 20 years ago I know how hard it is to break into the dive business. Most of the men in power still don't think women should be in the business of diving, and I remember how I had to do everything twice as good to get the same grade as the men.

Second, there were TONS of announcements about how many dives were coming up. This place and that place and here and there. I had NO idea where they were, but that's no surprise; the point is the opportunity is there for me to go and learn where they are. WOO HOO!!!

Third, there was an announcement about an archaeological dive class coming up that you can walk away with a certification as an Underwater Archaeologist Mapper (or some minor classification). Not bad for a couple day's work and $75 bucks. Think of the fun things I could do with that!!! And I just happen to have the refund from my Greensboro apartment eating a hole in my pocket waiting to be used for something special... I think I've found it! :D

Fourth, they had a speaker from a manufacturer that brought some really cool play toys to learn about and play with. Always fun.

Fifth, at the end of the meeting as I was introducing myself to the organizer and the other "important" people they began to understand I was an instructor. There was a sudden hush in the room and an exchange of looks. The organizer looks at me and says, "Are you looking for a job?" I'm like, "Huh?" LOL It turns out the co-organizer at another dive shop is looking for another instructor to help out. I'm dumbfounded. How is it that people doubt the Universe when stuff like this happens?

The reality of the situation is that I've been absent from instructing so long that I would have to take another IDC (Instructor Development Course) and IE (Instructor Exam) plus get my insurance back up to current. So (ballpark) we're talking about $3,000 give or take. I simply don't have that kind of money. BUT I could play divemaster for him, which covers almost the same responsibilities without the cost for about $130. Now THAT I could probably swing. It would hurt, but if you don't tell my creditors I won't either. :/

Diving is such a funny business... You pay all this money to volunteer to pay more money to dive. Nuts, isn't it. So, yes, I'd be paying money to be insured to be able to pay to fill my air tank and fill my gas tank to take trips to fill my air tank even MORE to help certify little tiny baby squids (what we call new students) so they don't die and can learn the wonder of scuba diving and help us save the oceans - because most of them become automatic ecologists. Did that make any sense? Eh....

I am THRILLED at finding this meetup. What an opportunity to get back in the water, work with students again, and - oh yes, spend more money I don't have. LOL Oh, wait though... there were a couple of really cute guys there, though. ;)

10/10/10 - Eighteen Years

...probably because I'm back in Florida.

You know what? It's all good. I just can't dwell on the negative. I'm too happy now. And that just makes me feel happier. :)

Dreams will come true. 50.

Night Sky At Ocean's Edge

On Sunday I received an e-mail from a friend wanting to hear my interpretation of the beach at night. I knew immediately which evening I wanted to visualize for her. It may not make any sense to say it that way but that is exactly what I did in my mind. It was a memorable night for me and I explained it the best I could. I asked her if I could share it with you guys and she was good with that. Here it is, unedited, for what it's worth.

"Oh Jackie -

I'm so glad you're having a good day. This is a tough day for me. I was supposed to go kayaking this morning and I am having a lupus day. My joints and my skin are on fire - probably from the rain you are enjoying so much. :) That front that won't move and is sitting just offshore of the East coast is probably responsible. I was going to be able to see manatees for the first time. I am just devastated. Still, I know this occasionally happens to me even though I am really good at staying well and healing myself. I'll have another chance to kayak and see my manatees.

I can so easily tell you how incredible it is to stand in the surf at Clearwater Beach and look around. One night when I drove over about midnight it was a bit overcast and there were a lot of thunderheads in the sky. I walked into the surf up to my knees and just stood there. I love sitting on the beach and just listening, but if I am going to the beach for a reason - to clear my head, to figure out a problem, to lighten a mood, forget about some stupidity - I have to be in touch with the water. Since it was nighttime I didn't want to walk all the way into the water because you can't be seen, so I just waded in. As you may know, salt water is nature's anti-depressant. Decades ago all sanitariums and spas were at the beach because of the negative ions in the air and the salt water that was readily available. That's why many people still bathe with bath salts. The natural boost to the mood is unmistakable. As a Pisces I have always made my best decisions in the shower. LOL That's why I felt so compelled to move to Florida - water is my element.

So that night as I stood in the surf I looked up and noticed the clouds moving somewhat quicker than usual. They were slowly but surely beginning to form a huge circle around me. I mean a humongous, gigantic circle - probably 50 miles wide, with a kind of a void in the middle. They just magically started forming... an arc, a half-circle, then all around me; the bottom of the circle being right where I was standing on the beach. The sky was a dark, dark blue. The darkest blue I'd ever seen. The clouds were different shades of blue; from a light grayish blue all the way to white wisps. You could see the wisps because the lights from the hotels bounced off them and made them visible. Personally, I don't mind all the hotels on the beach. It makes it somewhat friendlier at times. I don't have a lot of friends yet, and I like being around people - even if I don't know them. Besides, if I want to go somewhere without hotels and people I can easily do that, too. There are plenty of beaches, turnouts, and hidden islands you can get to away from the lights and people. Have I mentioned how much I love Florida?

So there I am, surrounded by water and boiling clouds. The clouds with their kaleidescope of colors were turning over and over in their circle, rolling within this ring, while the middle remained that dark, dark, bluish black. It spoke to me, almost audibly, that the Universe had things well in hand and all I really had to do was be prepared for the best things yet to come in my life. I don't know how long I stood there; 45 minutes? I was mesmerized and in awe of the show I was being given. I didn't have my camera (I now try to make sure I ALWAYS have my camera) (speaking of which have you checked out my photos on FB? I have finally posted some), so I don't have any pics of what those clouds looked like. But I promised myself I was going to remember exactly how those clouds looked and paint a picture of them. There was a meaning behind those clouds (to me, at least) and I wanted to remember them AND THE MEANING. I haven't painted the picture yet, but I will. I won't ever forget how they looked. The clouds never changed. They just continued to boil and turn over and over, keeping the "eye" open, kinda like a hurricane. It was amazing.

Have you ever felt the sand down here? The beaches in Florida make the top 10 beaches in the world for a reason: The sand feels like baby powder under your feet. I remember the first time I walked on it. It was about 10 years ago... it was at night and the feeling is nothing short of orgasmic! It's like a foot massage, quite erotic. You can't quite make out the grains of sand, it's that soft. As you get further out in the surf it gets a bit rocky, but walking the beach is simply amazing. I think some people call it sugar sand. I like the baby power metaphor, personally.

I hope this gives you some idea of why I drive the 8 miles to beach at all hours of the night. It isn't always so dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. I get something from it each time. It puts life in perspective, kinda like seeing the mountains, or the desert. I wish more people realized what beauty and strength surrounded them. They might be more apt to live a better life if they realized they were really a gnat on the back of an incredible environmental chain.

All my best to you, dear friend. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you, and for letting me again feel the gratitude I have for being here. I have so many people that have helped me along the way to be able to have made this dream come true. Your support has impacted that dream and I thank you.

I may post this on my blog. It would be a good way to share with my other friends. I hope you wouldn't mind that. Let me know. I won't do that until I hear from you.

Take care -

Debi"

This Is Me

Gradually over the past several days it has come to me. And for the first time in my life I am seeing something clearer than I have ever seen it before. The Woman I am. The Woman in me. Suddenly I see the role I have played in many of the men's lives up to now and it is startling to me.

It seems, much to my amazement, that I have been the woman who men date right before they marry, then oddly stay in touch with, as if they regret moving on; or seem to wish they'd had the courage to keep dating me but something kept them from it. It's not always that cut and dried, and the circumstances don't always completely fit that mold. However, I seem to be the "alter-personality" or the "uber-woman" for many men I have known.

The pieces starting coming together as I began realizing that friends were catching up with me after my move to Florida. It's been kinda nice to talk to old friends because it feels good when when they want to know how I am. It is ALWAYS great to know that people are thinking of you. The thing that I have been able to put together though all this is the situation that most of these men are now in compared to where I currently am. And I make no real judgment here; I base this on the simple observation that actions and speech tend to be an accurate measurement of how happy people are. These men are married or attached to someone they: A) have cheated on with me (known or unknown to me), B) have discussed with me some sort of relationship problem they had or were having, C) were attached to when they had wondered aloud how it might have been had WE stayed together, D) any or all of the above.

I am divorced, single, and pretty happy with my life. I would like to find a significant other to add in, but I think that will happen when I am ready. And as much as I would like to be ready I don't think I am yet. I really don't think I am ready to trust again, much less give the love back in full measure the same way I want to receive it. Maybe I'll never be ready. Maybe it's just something that happens when you meet the right one. I just don't know. But I have strayed off the subject.

When these enlightening thoughts came to me this week I was completely overwhelmed. I was ashamed at the fact that no man, it seemed, would ever see me as more than a stop along the way. Then I took a second look. Is it maybe that I am too good to be true? Some guys have put it just that way to me. "So what are YOU doing here?" "So what's wrong with you that you're not taken?" "Why hasn't somebody snatched you up?" You know, insinuating that if you really were "all that" you would be married already; that there had to be some fundamental flaw because I seemed so perfect. I don't know. Maybe there is. I'm just me, so what do I know?

So which is it? Trash? Or Treasure? Is there something really wrong with me? Or do men have no guts to think that there might be the possibility of having the perfect friend, lover, or whatever it is they're searching for - that perfect companion - in me? Or has society finally made companionship obsolete? There's no need for it. With dating as it is these days - it's all done in groups anyway - who needs companions for life? We can all live alone and date in groups as we need to, then "couple off" as necessary for those biological things that people do.... Hey, I've thought about that myself. Why would I want to strap on another man to my life? There's safety in numbers. So to speak.

I guess the fact is that I want to be special to someone. I deserve it. I am an incredible person. I don't usually let people see that because I chat and talk and hide behind my jabber. I cover up my beauty with intellect and verbosity and talk of my illness in hopes of people finding me disgusting and shallow so I'll not have to deal with being vulnerable to anyone. Sometimes that backfires, like it did with the only man I really liked in Greensboro. Serves me right. I got out alive and he never saw through me - but everything became very clear to me. I learned a lot in that little petri-dish of an apartment of his.

So. I guess this is who I am. Posting this is probably one huge, gigantic mistake. Open ribs, spread them, cut open heart. Nah. This is what I'm here for. Somewhere in here is my mission. This curse for openness is the blessing for someone else. And maybe, in the fullness of time, back around as a blessing for me.

Re-thought inevitable thoughts

Editor's note: Wow - it WAS a rough day yesterday. This post didn't even make sense. For your dining and dancing pleasure I have edited it and hope it comes together a little better. It's mostly for my benefit, but ca va (my small bit of conversational French, with the obligatory punctuation missing).

My first rough day... I know part of it is because I've gone without sunshine for a week! A big reason why I moved down here is because I have a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder which I inherited from my Father. I just don't do well without sunshine, and it's the rainy season here in sunny Florida. I mean, no less than 7 days of rain. I have literally begun to put my bathing suit on and it starts to pour. Or I hear the thunder (which occasionally I think is an accident over on Highway 19 - which if I were to throw a rock I could hit if I tried hard enough). There was actually a one-car accident last night (not far up from here) but I didn't hear it - thank goodness. For those of you that don't know, squealing tires and highway noises are an issue for me because I've been in two major accidents, both of which I was injured in, one of which totaled my car and activated the sleeping Lupus gene.

So, besides the lack of sun, I'm choosing to mourn a friend I left behind in Greensboro. Ha. A friend. Who knows. Nonetheless, someone I treasured in my heart. It's funny about leaving places; you usually get blamed for everything bad that happened in every relationship, group, work situation, etc., that you were a part of. My ears have been burning since I arrived. LOL I've been kept up-to-date on the gossip, unfortunately. And that, in itself, is a huge part of why I left that place - I couldn't get past how small a town it was, and how "small" so many of the people were. It was worse than high school, because I don't remember any of my friends being that catty. Unless it was me. I never want to assume that I was as nice as I think I was. Someone out there might think I was Genghis Khan. But I digress. Back to small people with small minds.

I don't want people in my business, and frankly, unless they are my very close friend I don't care about theirs. Talking about people behind their back can blow up in your face and hurt all sorts of people. We all do it, but some do it for reasons of working out a social problem with a person you hang out with (such as I do with a close girlfriend), and other do it with a hidden agenda in mind. That kind of gossip damages people and I've been one if the victims in the past. THEN, when I "get caught up" or asked about my sweet friend it makes it that much harder to disconnect. Yes, I want to stay in touch. I have had feelings for a long time now. But I don't know how healthy that is. All I know is I left that little "boro" for a plethora of reasons, all intertwined and valid and good. I wasn't running from anything, I made sure of that. But there's nothing wrong with one of the benefits of that move being putting some space between you and a relationship that has been hard to understand and deal with. It is difficult to decide whether to keep in touch with friends in a relationship that can be painful, or cut all ties and have your soul in pain for months.

Above all else I believe life is supposed to be easy; relatively simple. WE make it complicated. Ever since I found out I had lupus I have built my life around keeping it low maintenance and low stress. I can't expect to have all the answers about how to live down here yet. But I hadn't expected to still be in this pain AND be missing Dad this much right now. And this DAMN RAIN. Crap. I am still working on this. I have no words of wisdom right now.

Maybe my friend will still want to stay in touch. I just don't know. But until I know I must assume that because I have moved away it is all over and done. I am so sad about it. So sad. So sad.

Who Is This Woman?

Lily Pod arrived yesterday and was unloaded today. Thus, my house is full of familiar furniture and boxes. The boxes aren't familiar, just the furniture. I still have a lot of stuff to throw out, "pare down" being the more delicate term, and I can't wait to get started with that - seriously. Although the Judge in my divorce was pretty fair in awarding "things", I now feel that I just got stuck with stuff I didn't want bought by a man out of control in a marriage that was way past healthy. When I made my exit I replaced things, added some, kept some. Over the years as I have healed and realized what I want my life to be about I have decided to get rid of a lot of it. Now, all of a sudden, I can't seem to get rid of enough. I keep going back through the house in areas I swear I thought I was finished with discarding more and more "stuff". Some I intend to sell (like my entire set of china from when I was married), and some it going to Goodwill. Some isn't the worth the time it takes to throw out. I already have a blog in the works for a redux about what I can and can't live without, now that I have been living without most everything for about two weeks. It has been an interesting experience.

What I find most interesting about today - the day my house is again full of my "things" is that the old Debi would be immediately diving in; unloading boxes, filling cabinets, going through kitchen items and throwing out those things I don't want anymore. But what is this "New Debi" doing? This New Debi that has emerged from this spiritual growth period she's been through for the past couple of years? First, she took a nap. Always a good beginning. NEVER do anything when you're exhausted. The world seems like such an ugly place when you're tired. Second, I called a friend to let her know I was still alive and kicking and deliriously happy in Florida. Third? After I finish this blog (no, I'm not on my computer yet - I'm in the business center. Apparently the wheels of the cable company in this town turn V.E.R.Y. slowly) I'm headed out the door behind me to the the pool I am at this moment staring at. I thought of driving the 6 miles to the beach but I really do want to get some boxes unloaded this evening, so I don't want to take that much time today. From what I understand the beach will be there tomorrow, too. Or later tonight, even. It's a 24/7 attraction. I've even found my own little piece of beach I like. It's right by a kayak rental. :) But I digress.

Who is this new woman that isn't out of shear guilt tearing through boxes to make things absolutely perfect the first minute she can? Who is this woman who is putting her happiness first and letting things fall where they may? I sure hope she stays around. I'm not saying I'm going to let things go, or that I'm giving up perfection. But it used to be an either/or directive. It isn't anymore. There has to be a balance in my life now. No, there IS a balance in my life. Well, maybe "has" is an OK word. Because without that balance I go back to the Old Debi. And I never did like her that much. She was uptight, unhappy, and a whole lot of other "u's".

This blog really is my journal. Boy, do I have a lot of journalling to catch up on. I need my computer back.

Thoughts Upon Being Compared to a Three-Year-Old

During "The Incident" several weeks ago (some of you may recall this, others of you - just go with this, OK?) I was reminded of the possibility of having ovarian cancer. This possibility is something I am handling well and am applying the Law of Attraction to - better than I ever applied to any issue before (except maybe my move to Florida), so I consider it a NON-issue now. However, at the time, it was thrown in my face (figuratively, of course) and it horrified me. I became very upset and the witness at that time compared me to a three-year-old.

After some thought on this subject I have decided that I should take such a comparison as a compliment. If I EVER begin to cover up my feelings as much as some people I am acquainted with then I wish to be put out of my misery. I have worked hard to keep my feelings on the surface rather than stuff them deep into my psyche, never to be seen until they "unexpectedly" boil over in a tirade aimed at someone I love, rather than taken out on the person they should have been calmly expressed to at the time. That is how three year old are (not to mention well-adjusted adults); they are usually happy, they tell people what they want when they want it, they are honest and open, and they cry (or at least let their feelings out) when they are unhappy or have been done wrong.

Golly! Sounds pretty healthy to me.

The Shout Out

While sitting on Clearwater Beach after finding my new home I thought of so many people in my life that I am grateful for:

My family has been unwavering in the support for me while trying to make this dream come true. They may have thought I was crazy half the time, but they supported me nonetheless. NEVER underestimate how much validation means to people. Individuals have to make their own mistakes; validation with love and nurturing care helps people fulfill their dreams and helps soften the fall if they don't. End of lecture.

My countless, wonderful friends came to mind while I sat there in that soft, baby-powder sand. Taz, your shout out was first. The echo I heard in the Universe was deafening, and happy. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought of my (almost lifetime) friend Lynette, with whom I had actually been on that beach with before. I thought of my old life in Tampa, I thought of all the supportive people in Greensboro that wanted to see me succeed in my efforts to move to Florida, and all my friends on Facebook that have done nothing less than kept me afloat and my spirits up during this emotional and difficult time. No one is luckier than I am, and if they say they are they MUST be lying.

I thought of the people right there in Clearwater that worked so hard those few days to help me find my new apartment. Robby, and the girls at the complex, were welcoming and made the process much easier for me.

I thought of my Spiritual Adviser, I thought of my daily Universal thoughts that have helped me get through this, I thought of Socks... he would love the new place. And Dad would be so happy for me.

My phone and my car didn't break until I got back from Florida, and for that I am truly grateful. If that had happened while I was still in Florida it would have been a mess, and so would I. LOL Thankfully I got home and was able to handle fixing the phone with the help of a dear friend, and I got the car out to the dealership without having to use a tow truck. Will wonders never cease? :)

To be continued...

Another Attitude of Gratitude

I've been crazy busy, so the blog has suffered. But I must say I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to take a moment to share it.

Many pieces of bad news have been coming my way lately. I have let it all get to me, without adding my usual positive spin to it. I can forgive myself for this; I am human. When the world continually pelts you with negativity the only way of overcoming it is with positive energy, and I really got in a funk for awhile. Even as I was in Florida finding my new home the bad news kept coming. Only after I found my new place and made a beeline for the beach did I realize what was happening. Sometimes we are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Sitting there in my pink beach chair (they didn't have a purple one), watching the sunset (THINK ABOUT IT - THE GULF COAST OF FLORIDA IS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES YOU CAN WATCH THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES), taking in dip in the 90 degree water (90 degrees F!), I finally relaxed and realized that nothing of the past few months really mattered - not even the bad health news. I set out to move to Florida in March of this year and by mid-August I will be living there. Being there on Clearwater Beach every single problem in my world dissipated. Peace surrounded me and turmoil ceased. My shoulders left my ears and I found them down around my chest again. I was back to where I was supposed to be - near the water where my spirit lives. I get my energy from being outside near water. There has never been enough of that for me in most of the places I have lived. There have been a few, but not for a long time.

The apartment I will be living in is the farthest from the beach that I looked at, but c'est la vie. So what? It's still closer than I am right now! LOL The thing I find interesting is that before I went to Florida to look for apartments EVERYONE seemed to ask me what the worst case scenario was if I moved down there. My answer was always the same: At least I will have the beach. When I got to the beach that afternoon I realized THAT WAS EVERYTHING. It's not the minimum, it's everything. Silly me. If I am lucky enough to have anything else positive happen in my life it will be icing on the cake.

I have moved up my move date YET AGAIN. So I am VERY STRESSED, but the Universe will work this out somehow. My job is to do what I can and be ready. I live in gratitude and faith. I am happier than I have been for months, and it is because I know I am, yet again, on the right path. I have weak moments, but my gratitude returns. I guess that is gratitude for gratitude. :D LOL

7/7/10 - A Good Day

My work for the day is FINALLY done. I am exhausted. My head is full of numbers and my soul is full of gratitude. My heart if halfway between overjoyed and heavy. This move is going to happen.

On a day when one of the most unhappy women I have ever known posted a photo of me that she probably thought would piss me off I have the date for my trip to go to Florida and rent my apartment planned, all the money is lined up to do it, the date is set and my POD reserved to move. I gotta tell you, it's kinda scary. Still, it's the right thing for me. Someone asked me the other day what the worst case scenario is; overall, it would be staying in Greensboro - I guess. Second worst case scenario? Living in Florida close to the beach, knowing no one, and picking up tar balls every day. That is one of my two dreams come true (the living in Florida part). All in all that's not bad. And I bet doing that I could meet some people interested in keeping the environment protected, at least. Who knows? That would help more dreams come true....

I want to continue to remember to turn away hate and wrath and passive aggression with love and understanding - and a sense of humor about myself. I also hope that I meet some people with values that are a bit closer to mine than what I have found here. Oh UuuuuuNIVERSE - here's my order. Fulfill that, please. Completion date must be by August 18th, 2010. Thanks.

Between This and That, or The Full Monty of Humiliation

The Moon was gorgeous tonight on the way home. OH - on the way home from my Singles Meetup group. Meetup.com - Google it. It was kinda hanging on the horizon, barely orange at just under three quarters. I really should pay more attention to my driving than nature. I'm just sayin'.

At my Singles Meetup tonight I was talking to a friend - whom I'm POSITIVE doesn't read this blog - and he said I looked good and that he had been missing me. I was so touched to hear that, and I told him so - quite sincerely. I don't take kind words like that lightly. People don't often say things like that to me. He could tell by the way I responded to his compliment that something was up. So I told him of my "incident" of two weeks (?) ago. I was finally able to come to some clarity on it and find words to describe my feelings on exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It's like this:

I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic. There are these things I am so familiar with about myself that I just HATE! This little flaw here, that HUGE flaw there. This personality quirk, the fact that I am THIS way instead of THAT way... and that I'm relatively sure people think she is prettier than I am - which is OK, but....

As a rule I really don't care what people think about me. I have grown to believe that as long as I am happy with myself and not hurting others I think I'm probably doing what the Universe expects of me. Granted, I do hurt others at times but I try to correct those situations as soon as possible. HOWEVER, when someone brings your faults to your attention, one by one, listing them out in great detail it is certainly a bit painful - well, to me at least.

This is exactly what happened in my little incident. I received - allegedly by accident - an e-mail from a guy that knew me pretty well, I'd say. This e-mail was intended for a friend of his, but "somehow" I was copied on it. Now. I know men - and women - talk openly of their conquests and problems in relationships; some much more than others. But this particular e-mail wasn't just listing funny little things I do; it listed those HUGE, PERSONAL FLAWS that I LOATHE in myself, and beat myself up about on those bad, insecure days. And that I pray to GOD no one else notices, or if they do they quickly forget about because... because of whatever reason.

I'd list these horrible qualities out for you so you'd know just how betrayed and humiliated I felt after reading the e-mail, but if I did that then you'd know my worst faults, fears, and shortcomings. Or maybe you already know since, apparently, they are incredibly blatant and obvious to even the most foolish of men. But, in this case, that wasn't enough humiliation for me. Oh, no. I had to be compared to a woman who happens to be the Ex-wife of a man I had been FB's with (we've been over this, folks - Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies) (whom I'm ALSO sure doesn't read this blog). Guess who won the comparison? Welllllllll, it wasn't me.

Wow! A Cherry for my Sundae! That makes my humiliation complete. So at the very least, (1) a man I thought at least liked me and (2) a perfect stranger he was writing to, know my inner-most fears and shortcomings. The betrayal was almost as perfect as the breakup of my marriage. Almost.

The honest truth is that some of it - not all of it - was true. One thing that was true is that I am old. That's a scary thing to me sometimes. Men don't like "old". I love my life but I get lonely. I'm a people person and I miss intimacy with people - YES, men, but also women. I've made stupid mistakes - like following a sociopath around the country for 11 years - leaving bits and pieces of my life behind - because I thought he was semi-normal and that he loved me. OOPS! I'm really bad at picking men - OBVIOUSLY. And I talk way too much sometimes because I'm trying to find a connection with people. Fortunately for me I get lucky occasionally and find forgiving people that I connect with and they put up with my chatter. At other times I just get hurt. That's the cost of doing business when you refuse to change. What's that saying?... Dance as if no one is looking, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you've never loved before, Live as if it were your last day on Earth. Eh - it's something like that. I don't always manage to accomplish that but I believe the principle is a good and worthy one to strive for. AGAIN - not to worry about what others think.

As I concluded my story for my friend tonight I told him I thought I was a stronger individual than how I reacted to having my "inventory" presented to me on a silver platter. It brought me so far down to my knees I had to leave town. For almost a week. I am still crying myself to sleep at the reality of the situation. Why it cut so deeply I really don't quite understand. But I will. And then it will be OK.

Why would I post this blog? How stupid am I to let even more people know of my plight? Honestly? I don't know. What I DO know is that when I share I touch people. One of my best friends bought a house today in Las Vegas because she got in touch with how unhappy she has been here in Greensboro for awhile now. I feel like I helped her get to those feelings, and she does, too. I feel good about that. I've helped another friend come to that point, also, and he is looking to move to Albuquerque. I've helped people get diagnosed with illnesses when they have been scared or didn't know they needed to go to the doctor. When I share it helps people, and that is part of why I am here, I think. I simply don't think the Universe wants me to be in business for myself only. Else - why bother learning? What would it be for in the end if not to help others? So I take a chance on sharing the innermost things sometimes. And I get hurt. Sometimes. Or not. Sometimes. Life is a journey - not a destination. Sometimes this adventure gets messy, but it's still fun and I'm happy.

Women, History, Men, and Happiness

Geez - has it been that long since I blogged?

I'm so self-absorbed. The move; my recent VERY DISTURBING-UNCOMFORTABLE-UPSETTING incident; staying with my hugely 8 1/2-month pregnant cousin for longer than intended - by choice, of course... One had a lot to do with the other, actually.

You see, I have been almost completely friendless in Greensboro. It's been a beautiful place to live, and fulfilling in several ways, but not in the area of relationships. Most of the women I have met have been hypocrites or simple back-stabbers. Back-stabbers are almost better than hypocrites simply because at least you know where you stand with them. I never undervalue knowing where I stand with people.

JUDAS PRIEST, THOUGH! Some of these women act so insecure and passive/aggressive! WTF! They treat me like I'm the enemy. And I think that is what they think I am! I'm the competition. For WHAT I don't have a clue. Men? No. I didn't join the damn Meetup to meet men. I joined it to meet FRIENDS and have people to go do stuff with. It is bad form to date within such a small social group. That's kinda like pissing where you eat; biting the hand that feeds you; cutting off your nose to spite your face... Nah... I've gone off the deep end with the metaphors. Literary Festival concluded.

I've been so grateful for that Meetup, though. It has given me a reason to leave the house, other than the beach and doing laundry. I've seen movies I'd have never seen, eaten at restaurants I'd have never tried, and met several quality people I absolutely HAVE to stay in touch with after I move. And when push comes to shove I have no reason to complain. I am blessed beyond all reason. Some of these folks will never know joy, love, and personal empowerment like I do. They are just wonderful, sincere humans being who they are. I am proud to say I am finally down to earth enough to have learned to appreciate them for who they are. I think there may have been a time when I couldn't have done that, I don't know. But I can now and I am a better person for it.

It's this lack of girlfriends, though, that sent me running back to my cousin's house this week, luckily to find out that she is a true girlfriend in the real sense. The devastation of the thing that happened Thursday made me see I needed to get out of town and do some thinking to get my head on straight. It was SO the right thing to do! We had a wonderful time doing stuff - and not doing stuff. Loved being around a baby belly again; made me think of Anne and Rachael - Rachael being the little baby I (slightly) helped into the world on July 11th OH SO MANY years ago, and Anne being her single mother. Such wonderful memories for a woman who can't have children to be able to look back on. Pretty cool, huh? :) And to find out that I, for the first time since living in Dallas 20 years ago, had a place I could run away to and have a friend on the other end. It's so important to have that in life. Research shows it actually shortens your life without that kind of support. I'm so lucky.

That's it for tonight. GOD! I love to write. I also love to talk, damn it. I talk WAY TOO MUCH. Especially when I see my certain FB (Friend with Benefits is the PG version - Fuck Buddy is the real definition). He makes me nervous because I'm sure he doesn't like me. He's just putting up with me to have sex (it's true, isn't it?), and so I cover up my nerves by talking CONSTANTLY. YADA YADA YADA, OMG what an idiot I sound like. Chatty Cathy like I just surfaced from a dive. (I talk incessantly when I finish a dive... adrenaline rush, no doubt - talking to fish is exciting! I should know - I am one!) Anywho, where was I headed with this rant? Oh yeah... self-loathing. Tell you what, we'll skip that tonight. Mr. FB may never know who I REALLY am when I'm REALLY being myself, but I'm not going to make it worse tonight by beating myself up about it.

Nighty-night.

What can I live without?

This pending move to Florida is changing my perspective on a lot of things. The entire time I have lived in this particular apartment I have been downsizing. My Feng Shui project motivated me to get rid of clothes, knick-knacks that no longer held any meaning, many kitchen gadgets, books, records, tapes, linens, SCADS of things. My move to Florida has encouraged me to take another look at what I don't use anymore.

I sat on the couch last night and looked around and started pointing out things I haven't used since I moved in here. My cassette player, more knick-knacks, one of my file cabinets, some of my placemats and napkins, candles, some dishes and cookware... so many things that I can easily live without. And having lost all the weight I have I can surely get rid of more clothes.

The book, "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a good read to get in the mood to purge belongings. The wife of Charles Lindbergh, and the mother of one of the most famous kidnapped babies in the world... talk about someone who had to get used to "living without" something! Loss and abandonment have always been two of my big issues. They still are, in many ways. But how great it is when I can sit down and look around and make a list of things I am going to get rid of. "Things" are not going to make me safe, or happy, or whatever it is I think I need to be. If I lose my "things" I am not going to die, or become less of a person - although there are those that think I will. As long as I love myself, validate myself, and stand up for myself I don't need much else. If I do all those things for myself there won't be any holes in my soul that I will need to fill with "stuff". The hole will be filled by the love I give myself.

What can I live without? Almost anything. Hell - almost everything! I will still want people in my life; people are a big part of what life is about. We're talking about THINGS, here. STUFF. America is stuck on consumption. I can't help but think if America were more spiritual (not religious) we would be such a better nation. But this is crossing into another subject, and another blog for another time.

Honest vs. Idiocy

So far, no one is following this particular blog. Therefore I feel like it's almost a journal for me. I've practically been using it that way. I know, that can be a dangerous thing on the internet; and that easily segues into my topic for this particular entry.

It has come to my attention - after much thought and meditation - that for a good part of my life what I was taking for honesty on my part was probably closer to idiocy. How did I come to that conclusion? I was trying to think back to what motivated me to say some things I did over the weekend. Saying stupid things off the top of your head is one thing. But I think there is usually some part of us that says these things for some hidden reason. We may or may not be aware of that motivation at the time, but if what you said sticks with you like a dry peanut butter sandwich then it may need analyzing.

I was brought up in a way that led me to think I needed to be COMPLETELY honest with everyone. I took the meaning of honesty to be "full disclosure". For instance: if I couldn't do something that someone asked me to do or if I had to back out of something I had promised to do I had to give them a reason as to why I couldn't do it. Call it guilt that was installed in childhood, or shame that existed in my family of origin, but that is how I was brought up. Over the years I have come to believe that guilt is mostly a useless emotion and shame is something that should only be used in small quantities. And I have worked very hard to keep it that way.

So when I reflect on what my motivation was to share the REASONS as to why I couldn't do something I think the biggest reason was that I felt an obligation to be there for people, because their opinion of me was the most important thing to me. I no longer feel that way. One of the rules I live by is, "It's none of my business what other people think of me." It is so much easier to live life that way. I am free to be me and I am much happier. I'm a better person and I have found that people that "disapprove of me" are actually people I don't really want to be friends with anyway. So I get to skip the wasted energy I used to spend on trying to "win them over" as friends. {Just so there is no misunderstanding here, I'm always courteous and respectful, but friendship is another thing entirely.}

But there are other motivations behind sharing things with people (what I used to call "being honest") that are probably colossally bad reasons to do so. Such as:

- wanting to let them know that you know something about them that they didn't know you knew
- wanting to appear "important" in some way
- wanting to appear as a person worthy of their "sympathy"
- wanting to appear in a positive light to impress whomever it is

I like to call this "one-upmanship". Frankly, it is bragging. This isn't honesty, this is simple self-destructiveness. It almost always blows up in your face and makes you look like a selfish, idiotic goon. Ladies and Gentlemen: may I introduce: ME! How many times have I done this and then IMMEDIATELY known it was a mistake? Every time? Probably. And when someone has done it to me I criticize them and (most likely) call them an idiot (in my head). I have no right to judge them, but I seem to have an obsession to judge myself. I guess that is how I try to become a better person - by realizing the behavior and changing it.

The long and the short of this is that I may have ruined what was a really lovely friendship I had enjoyed with all my heart and soul with a really nice guy. I put him (and me) in a terrible position and if he gives it much thought he'll probably feel very awkward at seeing me again, and possibly choose to step out of my life. That is an awful high price to pay for a lesson learned.

Ouch. :(