Editor's note: Wow - it WAS a rough day yesterday. This post didn't even make sense. For your dining and dancing pleasure I have edited it and hope it comes together a little better. It's mostly for my benefit, but ca va (my small bit of conversational French, with the obligatory punctuation missing).
So, besides the lack of sun, I'm choosing to mourn a friend I left behind in Greensboro. Ha. A friend. Who knows. Nonetheless, someone I treasured in my heart. It's funny about leaving places; you usually get blamed for everything bad that happened in every relationship, group, work situation, etc., that you were a part of. My ears have been burning since I arrived. LOL I've been kept up-to-date on the gossip, unfortunately. And that, in itself, is a huge part of why I left that place - I couldn't get past how small a town it was, and how "small" so many of the people were. It was worse than high school, because I don't remember any of my friends being that catty. Unless it was me. I never want to assume that I was as nice as I think I was. Someone out there might think I was Genghis Khan. But I digress. Back to small people with small minds.
I don't want people in my business, and frankly, unless they are my very close friend I don't care about theirs. Talking about people behind their back can blow up in your face and hurt all sorts of people. We all do it, but some do it for reasons of working out a social problem with a person you hang out with (such as I do with a close girlfriend), and other do it with a hidden agenda in mind. That kind of gossip damages people and I've been one if the victims in the past. THEN, when I "get caught up" or asked about my sweet friend it makes it that much harder to disconnect. Yes, I want to stay in touch. I have had feelings for a long time now. But I don't know how healthy that is. All I know is I left that little "boro" for a plethora of reasons, all intertwined and valid and good. I wasn't running from anything, I made sure of that. But there's nothing wrong with one of the benefits of that move being putting some space between you and a relationship that has been hard to understand and deal with. It is difficult to decide whether to keep in touch with friends in a relationship that can be painful, or cut all ties and have your soul in pain for months.
Above all else I believe life is supposed to be easy; relatively simple. WE make it complicated. Ever since I found out I had lupus I have built my life around keeping it low maintenance and low stress. I can't expect to have all the answers about how to live down here yet. But I hadn't expected to still be in this pain AND be missing Dad this much right now. And this DAMN RAIN. Crap. I am still working on this. I have no words of wisdom right now.
Maybe my friend will still want to stay in touch. I just don't know. But until I know I must assume that because I have moved away it is all over and done. I am so sad about it. So sad. So sad.
As you said we have that vicous circle of gossip we are in or create. then have the other side of that. How someone else interprets what's said. And at times someone embellishes on that! I have recently been in that very situation. How is is that some of the friends you love the most are the ones that will be the one to take what ws or was not actually said and twist it from what was actually said? When I have taken the time to try & inform and or correct the person upset by what they took Into their brain, I'm the one to be blamed or completely disallowed the opportunity to give explanation of facts (as I know them, mind you) I get obsessed with repairing the injured friendship, pouring more into it, I ever got out of it onthe first place. You may be much like me in that you think that you can just walk away from an injured friendship, but it consumes you
ReplyDeleteinwhat was said or done that caused the problem in the first place. Probably something they don't think twice about, yet I dwell on it.
Oh wow... "interpretation" is a big part of the problem so often. But if you attempt to straighten out the situation you sound "defensive", and if you don't people continue to have the wrong impression. What to do? All I know to do is hold your head high and let your behavior speak for itself. As to why "good friends" wouldn't think twice about an injured friendship... we all have different "buttons" that get pushed with different issues, I suppose. And I know that for me I take some things far too personally than I should, a big part of why I vent here in my blog. Am I getting any better, dear friends? :/
ReplyDeleteOh god should I play the violin for you Debi?
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous -
ReplyDeleteThis blog is about my heart and soul. It is my journal. If you have no respect for people who lay out their lives so that others can also grow from my pain then you have no place here. I appreciate input but not sarcasm. Sarcasm is a weakness I have used in the past during difficult situations. I now try to only use it for humor, not for harm. All that being said, NO! - please don't ever play the violins for me. Everything I do I want to take full responsibility for because I'm human and I make mistakes. I also have a very unique way of looking at life (if you are a regular reader of this blog then you know this by now) and I appreciate the opportunity to share my way of thinking with others. That is the only way we will become more tolerant of other people because I, too, need to understand where others are coming from. Additionally, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I come from a family that loves me and I have friends that love me - some I have never met - and they live all over the globe. So thanks, but no thanks on the violins. I'll take my challenges and deal with them in my own way. I don't require that anyone approve of the way I live although, apparently, many do.