Walk on the Beach 11/14/10

The world always looks better after a trip to the beach, er, ocean. Well, call it what you will. They're kinda indivisible. Ever thought of that? If you go to the beach you go to the ocean, or at least a body of water. In Texas we had a lot of lakes that frequently were better called big mud puddles, but there was always a beach. I frequently camped on the beach and scuba dived in the big mud puddle attached to it. :) Very fond memories.

You can really tell the Snowbirds are back in Florida. There was a lot more trash on the beach tonight; most notably plastic bags that I picked up and threw away. The birds were pecking on them out of curiosity. Some humans are such pigs.

The sunset was gorgeous, of course, but I didn't see any dolphin feeding. The sand was so cold that by the time I had walked the width of the beach to reach the shore my toes were frozen! The water was a little warmer but not my much. I didn't time my walk very well. The time change still has me confused. By the time I got there it was later than I thought so I had to turn around before I reached the pier. But I still got some good thinking in, found 2 really great shells (some obsessions may never go away), found my sense of humor and left with serenity and peace. Life is never perfect, but all is well.

The New Scuba Meetup

What's the next great thing that the Universe has in store for moi? Getting wet. Scuba, here I come. I had joined a scuba meetup and was really underwhelmed with them for different reasons. But Wednesday night there was another one I joined that was holding their monthly meeting just up the road a tad so I attended and was pleased with what I found.

First of all, there was a woman running the meeting. This is no small deal. Being a woman that was taught by Navy divers over 20 years ago I know how hard it is to break into the dive business. Most of the men in power still don't think women should be in the business of diving, and I remember how I had to do everything twice as good to get the same grade as the men.

Second, there were TONS of announcements about how many dives were coming up. This place and that place and here and there. I had NO idea where they were, but that's no surprise; the point is the opportunity is there for me to go and learn where they are. WOO HOO!!!

Third, there was an announcement about an archaeological dive class coming up that you can walk away with a certification as an Underwater Archaeologist Mapper (or some minor classification). Not bad for a couple day's work and $75 bucks. Think of the fun things I could do with that!!! And I just happen to have the refund from my Greensboro apartment eating a hole in my pocket waiting to be used for something special... I think I've found it! :D

Fourth, they had a speaker from a manufacturer that brought some really cool play toys to learn about and play with. Always fun.

Fifth, at the end of the meeting as I was introducing myself to the organizer and the other "important" people they began to understand I was an instructor. There was a sudden hush in the room and an exchange of looks. The organizer looks at me and says, "Are you looking for a job?" I'm like, "Huh?" LOL It turns out the co-organizer at another dive shop is looking for another instructor to help out. I'm dumbfounded. How is it that people doubt the Universe when stuff like this happens?

The reality of the situation is that I've been absent from instructing so long that I would have to take another IDC (Instructor Development Course) and IE (Instructor Exam) plus get my insurance back up to current. So (ballpark) we're talking about $3,000 give or take. I simply don't have that kind of money. BUT I could play divemaster for him, which covers almost the same responsibilities without the cost for about $130. Now THAT I could probably swing. It would hurt, but if you don't tell my creditors I won't either. :/

Diving is such a funny business... You pay all this money to volunteer to pay more money to dive. Nuts, isn't it. So, yes, I'd be paying money to be insured to be able to pay to fill my air tank and fill my gas tank to take trips to fill my air tank even MORE to help certify little tiny baby squids (what we call new students) so they don't die and can learn the wonder of scuba diving and help us save the oceans - because most of them become automatic ecologists. Did that make any sense? Eh....

I am THRILLED at finding this meetup. What an opportunity to get back in the water, work with students again, and - oh yes, spend more money I don't have. LOL Oh, wait though... there were a couple of really cute guys there, though. ;)

9/28/10, 2 AM Beach Time

The ocean was angry tonight. I am not often scared by the water; usually I find peace there. But tonight as I walked towards the beach it took my breath away. It was overwhelming, you could feel it in the air. I kept having to gulp in for air. It was like looking up at The Empire State Building and trying to not get dizzy.

The walk across the beach was longer than usual. I even walked quicker than usual because I was so mad. We were both really pissed - me and the ocean. I walked straight into the surf up to my shins and immediately noticed a problem. The sand under the surf was riddled with shells. That's just not normal at Clearwater Beach. The sand there is unbelievably fine, and it's that way pretty far out into the safe area. And you know how you can count the waves to see how many waves are inbetween the big ones? It's usually like 9 or 13 waves inbetween the big wave. Tonight the big waves were coming in every-other-one, then every three, alternating between the two. It was very odd. The surf got so rough I had to get out of it. Shells kept hitting my legs. So I backed out up to my ankles. The waves were so high I still got my shorts wet.

The beach was deserted. Not a surprise - summer is over and season hasn't started yet. I'm glad there was no one there because I needed to yell at God - and I did. I was so angry tonight. I miss having someone to confide in, someone that loves me, someone to snuggle with, someone that knows the meaning of intimacy, a man that is grown-up. It may be a hard bill to fill but that's what I want. And because I don't have one yet - I thought I had married it but I was wrong - I get pissed. Then occasionally it gets SHOVED IN MY FACE. That always feels good. Brings all the hurt, anger, longing, oh hell, pick an adjective.

I think the ocean is angry because of the weather low sitting offshore. I know at times a hurricane that is 500 miles offshore can make the undertow really bad, so it stands to reason that a low could do that to the surf. I know what stirred me up, and with my trip to the beach and unloading on my blog I feel a bit better. Maybe both of us girls will be back to normal in a few days.

Night Sky At Ocean's Edge

On Sunday I received an e-mail from a friend wanting to hear my interpretation of the beach at night. I knew immediately which evening I wanted to visualize for her. It may not make any sense to say it that way but that is exactly what I did in my mind. It was a memorable night for me and I explained it the best I could. I asked her if I could share it with you guys and she was good with that. Here it is, unedited, for what it's worth.

"Oh Jackie -

I'm so glad you're having a good day. This is a tough day for me. I was supposed to go kayaking this morning and I am having a lupus day. My joints and my skin are on fire - probably from the rain you are enjoying so much. :) That front that won't move and is sitting just offshore of the East coast is probably responsible. I was going to be able to see manatees for the first time. I am just devastated. Still, I know this occasionally happens to me even though I am really good at staying well and healing myself. I'll have another chance to kayak and see my manatees.

I can so easily tell you how incredible it is to stand in the surf at Clearwater Beach and look around. One night when I drove over about midnight it was a bit overcast and there were a lot of thunderheads in the sky. I walked into the surf up to my knees and just stood there. I love sitting on the beach and just listening, but if I am going to the beach for a reason - to clear my head, to figure out a problem, to lighten a mood, forget about some stupidity - I have to be in touch with the water. Since it was nighttime I didn't want to walk all the way into the water because you can't be seen, so I just waded in. As you may know, salt water is nature's anti-depressant. Decades ago all sanitariums and spas were at the beach because of the negative ions in the air and the salt water that was readily available. That's why many people still bathe with bath salts. The natural boost to the mood is unmistakable. As a Pisces I have always made my best decisions in the shower. LOL That's why I felt so compelled to move to Florida - water is my element.

So that night as I stood in the surf I looked up and noticed the clouds moving somewhat quicker than usual. They were slowly but surely beginning to form a huge circle around me. I mean a humongous, gigantic circle - probably 50 miles wide, with a kind of a void in the middle. They just magically started forming... an arc, a half-circle, then all around me; the bottom of the circle being right where I was standing on the beach. The sky was a dark, dark blue. The darkest blue I'd ever seen. The clouds were different shades of blue; from a light grayish blue all the way to white wisps. You could see the wisps because the lights from the hotels bounced off them and made them visible. Personally, I don't mind all the hotels on the beach. It makes it somewhat friendlier at times. I don't have a lot of friends yet, and I like being around people - even if I don't know them. Besides, if I want to go somewhere without hotels and people I can easily do that, too. There are plenty of beaches, turnouts, and hidden islands you can get to away from the lights and people. Have I mentioned how much I love Florida?

So there I am, surrounded by water and boiling clouds. The clouds with their kaleidescope of colors were turning over and over in their circle, rolling within this ring, while the middle remained that dark, dark, bluish black. It spoke to me, almost audibly, that the Universe had things well in hand and all I really had to do was be prepared for the best things yet to come in my life. I don't know how long I stood there; 45 minutes? I was mesmerized and in awe of the show I was being given. I didn't have my camera (I now try to make sure I ALWAYS have my camera) (speaking of which have you checked out my photos on FB? I have finally posted some), so I don't have any pics of what those clouds looked like. But I promised myself I was going to remember exactly how those clouds looked and paint a picture of them. There was a meaning behind those clouds (to me, at least) and I wanted to remember them AND THE MEANING. I haven't painted the picture yet, but I will. I won't ever forget how they looked. The clouds never changed. They just continued to boil and turn over and over, keeping the "eye" open, kinda like a hurricane. It was amazing.

Have you ever felt the sand down here? The beaches in Florida make the top 10 beaches in the world for a reason: The sand feels like baby powder under your feet. I remember the first time I walked on it. It was about 10 years ago... it was at night and the feeling is nothing short of orgasmic! It's like a foot massage, quite erotic. You can't quite make out the grains of sand, it's that soft. As you get further out in the surf it gets a bit rocky, but walking the beach is simply amazing. I think some people call it sugar sand. I like the baby power metaphor, personally.

I hope this gives you some idea of why I drive the 8 miles to beach at all hours of the night. It isn't always so dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. I get something from it each time. It puts life in perspective, kinda like seeing the mountains, or the desert. I wish more people realized what beauty and strength surrounded them. They might be more apt to live a better life if they realized they were really a gnat on the back of an incredible environmental chain.

All my best to you, dear friend. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you, and for letting me again feel the gratitude I have for being here. I have so many people that have helped me along the way to be able to have made this dream come true. Your support has impacted that dream and I thank you.

I may post this on my blog. It would be a good way to share with my other friends. I hope you wouldn't mind that. Let me know. I won't do that until I hear from you.

Take care -

Debi"

Daytime Robbery at Clearwater Beach

I went to the beach today. FINALLY! I got up late, mostly because I went to bed early. I got my Mom's china unpacked last night. OK, it's my china now, but you get the idea. There are so many friggin boxes in the place. I'm throwing out stuff but JUDAS PRIEST. Sorry, I digress.

So, beach day. I made a sandwich (peanut butter, and I always blend my peanut butter with honey before putting it back in the jar because the organic peanut butter is sometimes a little bitter), and packed several frozen Gatorades. I tracked down a towel or two (THAT took the longest!), picked up a Starbucks and headed West on Gulf-to-Bay. Weird that it's West and not East. LOL I got there, got wet, and noticed the water was actually COLD. I guess the rain last week cooled the water off. I actually got chilled later in the evening getting out of the water.

I hadn't eaten since I got up so I decided to get my sandwich out. I opened the zip bag and took a bite of the half I got out and noticed that I was surrounded by seagulls, and they were VERY interested in my food. Suddenly, from behind me a seagull grabbed my sandwich FROM MY HAND and flew off with it. RIGHT OUT OF MY BLOODY HAND! I got one bite and it was gone! I screamed... and I felt really silly for screaming. And even sillier for trying to eat a sandwich surrounded by dozens (YES, DOZENS) of seagulls. I didn't realize that one of those stupid rats with wings would actually walk up behind me and steal it from my hand. I probably should have thought of this, considering just this week I've seen a YouTube video of a seagull casually walking into a convenience store and stealing Doritos. What a dummy.

The entire rest of the afternoon and evening I had to put up with a "feathered friend" watching closely in case I ate anything else. He stood guard about 5 feet away. Sometimes sitting, sometimes standing. I gave him the evil eye all afternoon. I even told him how angry I was with him. He wouldn't leave. He casually looked over occasionally, pretending he was just hanging about as seagulls do. But I knew better. He had guilt written all over his little top feathers.

As the sun began to set I started seeing dark spots appear and disappear on the ocean. LOL I quickly realized it was a pod of dolphin heading South, no doubt looking for dinner. I asked the couple next to me if they saw them and they had. Then, unbelievably, I squealed with joy. I need to put "growing up" on my agenda. How embarrassing.

The Shout Out

While sitting on Clearwater Beach after finding my new home I thought of so many people in my life that I am grateful for:

My family has been unwavering in the support for me while trying to make this dream come true. They may have thought I was crazy half the time, but they supported me nonetheless. NEVER underestimate how much validation means to people. Individuals have to make their own mistakes; validation with love and nurturing care helps people fulfill their dreams and helps soften the fall if they don't. End of lecture.

My countless, wonderful friends came to mind while I sat there in that soft, baby-powder sand. Taz, your shout out was first. The echo I heard in the Universe was deafening, and happy. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought of my (almost lifetime) friend Lynette, with whom I had actually been on that beach with before. I thought of my old life in Tampa, I thought of all the supportive people in Greensboro that wanted to see me succeed in my efforts to move to Florida, and all my friends on Facebook that have done nothing less than kept me afloat and my spirits up during this emotional and difficult time. No one is luckier than I am, and if they say they are they MUST be lying.

I thought of the people right there in Clearwater that worked so hard those few days to help me find my new apartment. Robby, and the girls at the complex, were welcoming and made the process much easier for me.

I thought of my Spiritual Adviser, I thought of my daily Universal thoughts that have helped me get through this, I thought of Socks... he would love the new place. And Dad would be so happy for me.

My phone and my car didn't break until I got back from Florida, and for that I am truly grateful. If that had happened while I was still in Florida it would have been a mess, and so would I. LOL Thankfully I got home and was able to handle fixing the phone with the help of a dear friend, and I got the car out to the dealership without having to use a tow truck. Will wonders never cease? :)

To be continued...

Another Attitude of Gratitude

I've been crazy busy, so the blog has suffered. But I must say I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to take a moment to share it.

Many pieces of bad news have been coming my way lately. I have let it all get to me, without adding my usual positive spin to it. I can forgive myself for this; I am human. When the world continually pelts you with negativity the only way of overcoming it is with positive energy, and I really got in a funk for awhile. Even as I was in Florida finding my new home the bad news kept coming. Only after I found my new place and made a beeline for the beach did I realize what was happening. Sometimes we are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Sitting there in my pink beach chair (they didn't have a purple one), watching the sunset (THINK ABOUT IT - THE GULF COAST OF FLORIDA IS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES YOU CAN WATCH THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES), taking in dip in the 90 degree water (90 degrees F!), I finally relaxed and realized that nothing of the past few months really mattered - not even the bad health news. I set out to move to Florida in March of this year and by mid-August I will be living there. Being there on Clearwater Beach every single problem in my world dissipated. Peace surrounded me and turmoil ceased. My shoulders left my ears and I found them down around my chest again. I was back to where I was supposed to be - near the water where my spirit lives. I get my energy from being outside near water. There has never been enough of that for me in most of the places I have lived. There have been a few, but not for a long time.

The apartment I will be living in is the farthest from the beach that I looked at, but c'est la vie. So what? It's still closer than I am right now! LOL The thing I find interesting is that before I went to Florida to look for apartments EVERYONE seemed to ask me what the worst case scenario was if I moved down there. My answer was always the same: At least I will have the beach. When I got to the beach that afternoon I realized THAT WAS EVERYTHING. It's not the minimum, it's everything. Silly me. If I am lucky enough to have anything else positive happen in my life it will be icing on the cake.

I have moved up my move date YET AGAIN. So I am VERY STRESSED, but the Universe will work this out somehow. My job is to do what I can and be ready. I live in gratitude and faith. I am happier than I have been for months, and it is because I know I am, yet again, on the right path. I have weak moments, but my gratitude returns. I guess that is gratitude for gratitude. :D LOL

My Trip to the Beach

I went to the beach Friday. All alone. I had to. I needed salt water and sand in the worst way. You see, I'm a Pisces (the sign of the Fish) and truly if ever anyone survives by water, it is I. I have no idea how I have survived so long living so far away from an actual body of water. In Texas and Florida it was ok. Even in Virginia it was bareable. But New York was hell. I mostly remember it as 4 years of deep, dark depression... in more than one way (but that's for another blog).

I made excellent time getting there, which is very odd. I go to Raleigh a fair amount. It always takes longer to get there than to get home. I call it the Theory of Going Downhill. Don't ask me why, but there are just some routes that take longer one way than the other. HEY - I DON'T MAKE UP THE RULES HERE, I JUST ABIDE BY THEM. ;p

Anyway. As I get closer and closer to the Causeway I start stretching my neck to see if I can see the blue; just catch a glimpse of the water. And then, there it is. It happens on each trip - every time. Everytime I see that blue water for the first time it literally takes my breath away. I have to stop and breathe again. The blueness? The smell? Something about it overwhelms my senses and my body can't handle it. My body stops its normal functioning and has to restart. It's like being home again. Back to where I belong. I wonder if it will still be there like I left it that last time; will it still be as blue, as beautiful, as fresh, as cold, as salty, as welcoming?

This time I went to Wrightsville Beach - the closest beach to Greensboro. Three and a half hours - give or take. Mostly give. Beach trips to the Outer Banks are not known for being quick to drive; well, let's face it. No beach trip is. Unless you do what I often did when I used to travel to be with the family on the Outer Banks when we used to go in the summers... I travelled at night. It was SO much easier - no traffic! But again, I digress.

I had everything planned out: 2 Gatorades, chips, turkey sandwich, Mounds mini-bars in my mini cooler, towels in one bag, kite and umbrella in separate bags, and then my tarp, books, sunscreen, brush, money, etc, in my backpack. I could carry it all with no problem. I later learned that two women (whom I met leaving the beach) saw me unloading my car with my stuff earlier in the day noted at the time how "well prepared and packed" I was. They stopped me and told me when we left the beach together! LOL It made me feel good. If only they could see my apartment during it's re-feng-shui period right now... they'd never believe I was the same girl!

I took the place of some people I passed on my way in that were leaving for the day (weirdos!). The wind was blowing pretty strong. It took me awhile to get everything set up. It must have been during that time that my back got burned. I always forget that while you're doing all that stuff your back is getting all that sun. BOY, did I feel it last night, and I'm feeling it today as well. My front looks like it wasn't even at the beach with me! What's that about??? WTF? Now I'm going to have to go out of my way up at my brother's house to get the front tanned. Oh well... The life of a sun goddess.

The last thing to go up was the kite. I LOVE my kite. It has fish and coral on it. And (don't be alarmed) it's got a lot of purple on it, too. I don't think it was 50 feet up and that wind was blowing like a bitch. I connected it to the D-ring on my kite weight (yes, I have a thing you dig a hole for and fill with wet sand and it secures your flying kite - if you're lucky - all day long if you want it to. Is that the coolest thing or what???) and it was blowing all over the place. I had to reel it in a bit, but there it stayed for all to see. It was awesome.

Something stung me my first time in. Not too bad, must have just been some floating stingers. Can't even feel it today. The waves were wonderful. It was cold. I kept my bikini on during the whole time in the water (hey - that's notable. It doesn't always stay on through some of those waves). I just wanted to go further and further out. The neat thing about North Carolina is that there is usually a sand bank for quite a ways out so if you can get through the breaking waves you can get to a place that is relatively peaceful and just stand and play in the water. But don't do this at sunrise or sunset. That's when the large animals (read as Sharks) are eating. And yes, they come in that close.

I left that place around 5:45 or so. I went to buy a new beach chair because all of mine had died heroic deaths in the line of duty. I found a cool one and headed back out to watch the sunset on a little stretch of beach further out on Wrightsville Beach. It was an "official" public beach with an outdoor shower and bathroooms. :) I only took the chair and my back pack this time, and I only wrote a little this time, unlike earlier in the afternoon when I had gotten quite a bit of writing in. I had been wanting to do some journaling and writing and thought the beach was a good place to start that. It was.

By this time the tide was coming in and I shifted my gaze from the waves to the incredible anvil cloud to the left. When I turned around to see the sunset itself (that is the big drawback on an East Coast beach: you can't really watch the sunset over the ocean. A little thing called Geography gets in the way) I noticed an even bigger anvil cloud behind me. I watch a seagull try to get the better of some poor little live piece of seafood it had caught. Galant try but the seagull won, eventually.

I thought about life, what has been going on in mine, what will be, what won't be, why, and what I can do about it. And when I finally realized that the sky was a gorgeous shade of purple I had the awful feeling of knowing that it was nearly time for me to turn around and go home. I began to cry. I always cry when I leave the ocean or the beach. ALWAYS. I began to wonder: Why, if you cry such bitter, real, sad tears do you ever leave the beach at all? Why would you do that to yourself over and over again? When lovers cry when they leave each other they frequently decide to fix it and get married or live together or something. At least they frequently decide to live in the same city. Why have I not done this? I did give it a cursory look one time, but decided money would not allow it. I haven't revisited the topic recently.

I'm tired of leaving the one place that means so much to me that I cry when I'm not around it. It makes no logical (or emotional) sense - not if I have the power and the money to change it... which I guess is the big question. There was a house for sale on the end of Augusta (street? drive?) where I parked at the first beach. It was a fixer-upper, you could tell. But it was precious. Yellow, with a porch, right on the beach, but it wasn't on stilts. That's why it would be a fixer-upper. Ha! Get it? UPPER? LOL Oh, if I had the money. This would be the time to buy, too. Did I mention Pisces are dreamers, too? :) But I can do more than dream. I can attract it into my life. So - here I go.