Surviving

I've been reflecting on people referred to as "survivors" and the traits peculiar to them as opposed to others not necessarily labelled as survivors. Those people that exhibit a gift for going through life challenges that, on the surface, daunt others. Those individuals that live through things most of the population never have to deal with; who face difficulties that seem horrendous and come through them seemingly unscathed -- ready to face another day. What is their motivation to survive? Where does their will to overcome these challenges come from? Is it mere habit? Are they just old souls that don't know any better? Have they been reincarnated so many times that it's just all they know to do? Have they been given a special gift? Do they love life more than the rest of us? Do they have loved ones that couldn't live without them and they live for them? Or can they not live without their loved ones and they survive to live another day with them? What if they aren't really tied to anyone? What then? What do THEY survive for? Do they survive just to say they survived? Is it in the genes? Is it hard-wired into them? Maybe it runs in families, in certain types of personalities or in the birth order. Or in how many tragedies they have witnessed before the first life challenge presents itself... and they have had time to think about the nature of tragedy and how it unfolds.

Tragedy unfolds one simple moment at a time... it doesn't unfold all at once. Some moments are more horrific than others, some moments hurt more than others, but it only lasts for a moment, then it's over. Another moment starts and takes the last moment's place and it's not quite as bad... or it's worse and you laugh because you thought the last moment was so awful. You just have to hold on then it's over, and you can start again in the next moment. Maybe that's it; when you've seen enough tragedy -- when you've had so many challenges that you understand the nature of tragedy -- it becomes YOUR nature. You just figure it out. You know that moments don't last forever; only forever is forever.

Hello, It's Me...

If I were to describe my life to you now and compare it to my life of two years ago you might doubt it was the same person.  LOL  Many dreams have come true over these two years, many life experiences have taken place that naturally do in life, and then some experiences have altered my short term plans in a big way.  I'm at a point where I need to...  RE-ALIGN is the only word that is coming to me.  Huh...  I like that.  Re-align with the Universe.  OK.  That works for me.  I labeled my illness and resulting lobectomy and surgeries "Debi's Detour".  I think this can be the "Realignment".  Oops, gonna have to Google "re-align" and "realign".

I'm tired, I'm in pain, my brain fog is overwhelming right now (to the point of scary), and I have so much work to do to prepare for homelessness.  That's a lot of things to bring into alignment.

Yep.  I like that term.  I need to realign the negative perception I have about my recent experiences with the serenity I found through the trials of those experiences.  Through meditation, serious study and contemplation I was able to find my peaceful place; my "go to" place, my Nirvana if you will.  It happened during the process of the second surgery in February 2013.  I had an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to make it through that, and at some level I still believe my time is ticking by quicker than it was before - and that's one of the things I need to accept.  I have come to understand that I cannot get back to living without acknowledging that I am dying.  Several times I thought I had accepted death, and maybe I did.  Or maybe I just gave up...  I mean, when you're comatose the thinking process isn't very sharp.  I don't remember being aware of much during that time; I was in and out of consciousness.  I had an understanding, though, that I was going to die if Dr. Miller couldn't figure out what was wrong.  He did though, obviously, and I IMMEDIATELY moved on to the next (simultaneous) crisis in my life -- my divorce and the death of my Father.

A big positive recently; I have found a sister from one of my prior lives.  I was a mermaid [SHOCK! -- Alert the media!!!] in a prior life, but it was a life I lived very long ago, indeed.  I mean eons.  We were very close sisters.  Her name was Clarissa, mine was Emily.  The night we realized this was incredibly emotional, to say the least.  I'll blog about that another time.  It's just so validating when you recognize someone, and they recognize you, from one of their past lives and immediately knows who you are, what you are, and loves you.  I just kept saying, "I FOUND YOU!  I FOUND YOU!"  People thought we were nuts.  No.  I'm pretty sane.  Just "re-aligning", thank you.

Namaste, my friends,

Your Mermaid

The New Scuba Meetup

What's the next great thing that the Universe has in store for moi? Getting wet. Scuba, here I come. I had joined a scuba meetup and was really underwhelmed with them for different reasons. But Wednesday night there was another one I joined that was holding their monthly meeting just up the road a tad so I attended and was pleased with what I found.

First of all, there was a woman running the meeting. This is no small deal. Being a woman that was taught by Navy divers over 20 years ago I know how hard it is to break into the dive business. Most of the men in power still don't think women should be in the business of diving, and I remember how I had to do everything twice as good to get the same grade as the men.

Second, there were TONS of announcements about how many dives were coming up. This place and that place and here and there. I had NO idea where they were, but that's no surprise; the point is the opportunity is there for me to go and learn where they are. WOO HOO!!!

Third, there was an announcement about an archaeological dive class coming up that you can walk away with a certification as an Underwater Archaeologist Mapper (or some minor classification). Not bad for a couple day's work and $75 bucks. Think of the fun things I could do with that!!! And I just happen to have the refund from my Greensboro apartment eating a hole in my pocket waiting to be used for something special... I think I've found it! :D

Fourth, they had a speaker from a manufacturer that brought some really cool play toys to learn about and play with. Always fun.

Fifth, at the end of the meeting as I was introducing myself to the organizer and the other "important" people they began to understand I was an instructor. There was a sudden hush in the room and an exchange of looks. The organizer looks at me and says, "Are you looking for a job?" I'm like, "Huh?" LOL It turns out the co-organizer at another dive shop is looking for another instructor to help out. I'm dumbfounded. How is it that people doubt the Universe when stuff like this happens?

The reality of the situation is that I've been absent from instructing so long that I would have to take another IDC (Instructor Development Course) and IE (Instructor Exam) plus get my insurance back up to current. So (ballpark) we're talking about $3,000 give or take. I simply don't have that kind of money. BUT I could play divemaster for him, which covers almost the same responsibilities without the cost for about $130. Now THAT I could probably swing. It would hurt, but if you don't tell my creditors I won't either. :/

Diving is such a funny business... You pay all this money to volunteer to pay more money to dive. Nuts, isn't it. So, yes, I'd be paying money to be insured to be able to pay to fill my air tank and fill my gas tank to take trips to fill my air tank even MORE to help certify little tiny baby squids (what we call new students) so they don't die and can learn the wonder of scuba diving and help us save the oceans - because most of them become automatic ecologists. Did that make any sense? Eh....

I am THRILLED at finding this meetup. What an opportunity to get back in the water, work with students again, and - oh yes, spend more money I don't have. LOL Oh, wait though... there were a couple of really cute guys there, though. ;)

Night Sky At Ocean's Edge

On Sunday I received an e-mail from a friend wanting to hear my interpretation of the beach at night. I knew immediately which evening I wanted to visualize for her. It may not make any sense to say it that way but that is exactly what I did in my mind. It was a memorable night for me and I explained it the best I could. I asked her if I could share it with you guys and she was good with that. Here it is, unedited, for what it's worth.

"Oh Jackie -

I'm so glad you're having a good day. This is a tough day for me. I was supposed to go kayaking this morning and I am having a lupus day. My joints and my skin are on fire - probably from the rain you are enjoying so much. :) That front that won't move and is sitting just offshore of the East coast is probably responsible. I was going to be able to see manatees for the first time. I am just devastated. Still, I know this occasionally happens to me even though I am really good at staying well and healing myself. I'll have another chance to kayak and see my manatees.

I can so easily tell you how incredible it is to stand in the surf at Clearwater Beach and look around. One night when I drove over about midnight it was a bit overcast and there were a lot of thunderheads in the sky. I walked into the surf up to my knees and just stood there. I love sitting on the beach and just listening, but if I am going to the beach for a reason - to clear my head, to figure out a problem, to lighten a mood, forget about some stupidity - I have to be in touch with the water. Since it was nighttime I didn't want to walk all the way into the water because you can't be seen, so I just waded in. As you may know, salt water is nature's anti-depressant. Decades ago all sanitariums and spas were at the beach because of the negative ions in the air and the salt water that was readily available. That's why many people still bathe with bath salts. The natural boost to the mood is unmistakable. As a Pisces I have always made my best decisions in the shower. LOL That's why I felt so compelled to move to Florida - water is my element.

So that night as I stood in the surf I looked up and noticed the clouds moving somewhat quicker than usual. They were slowly but surely beginning to form a huge circle around me. I mean a humongous, gigantic circle - probably 50 miles wide, with a kind of a void in the middle. They just magically started forming... an arc, a half-circle, then all around me; the bottom of the circle being right where I was standing on the beach. The sky was a dark, dark blue. The darkest blue I'd ever seen. The clouds were different shades of blue; from a light grayish blue all the way to white wisps. You could see the wisps because the lights from the hotels bounced off them and made them visible. Personally, I don't mind all the hotels on the beach. It makes it somewhat friendlier at times. I don't have a lot of friends yet, and I like being around people - even if I don't know them. Besides, if I want to go somewhere without hotels and people I can easily do that, too. There are plenty of beaches, turnouts, and hidden islands you can get to away from the lights and people. Have I mentioned how much I love Florida?

So there I am, surrounded by water and boiling clouds. The clouds with their kaleidescope of colors were turning over and over in their circle, rolling within this ring, while the middle remained that dark, dark, bluish black. It spoke to me, almost audibly, that the Universe had things well in hand and all I really had to do was be prepared for the best things yet to come in my life. I don't know how long I stood there; 45 minutes? I was mesmerized and in awe of the show I was being given. I didn't have my camera (I now try to make sure I ALWAYS have my camera) (speaking of which have you checked out my photos on FB? I have finally posted some), so I don't have any pics of what those clouds looked like. But I promised myself I was going to remember exactly how those clouds looked and paint a picture of them. There was a meaning behind those clouds (to me, at least) and I wanted to remember them AND THE MEANING. I haven't painted the picture yet, but I will. I won't ever forget how they looked. The clouds never changed. They just continued to boil and turn over and over, keeping the "eye" open, kinda like a hurricane. It was amazing.

Have you ever felt the sand down here? The beaches in Florida make the top 10 beaches in the world for a reason: The sand feels like baby powder under your feet. I remember the first time I walked on it. It was about 10 years ago... it was at night and the feeling is nothing short of orgasmic! It's like a foot massage, quite erotic. You can't quite make out the grains of sand, it's that soft. As you get further out in the surf it gets a bit rocky, but walking the beach is simply amazing. I think some people call it sugar sand. I like the baby power metaphor, personally.

I hope this gives you some idea of why I drive the 8 miles to beach at all hours of the night. It isn't always so dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. I get something from it each time. It puts life in perspective, kinda like seeing the mountains, or the desert. I wish more people realized what beauty and strength surrounded them. They might be more apt to live a better life if they realized they were really a gnat on the back of an incredible environmental chain.

All my best to you, dear friend. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you, and for letting me again feel the gratitude I have for being here. I have so many people that have helped me along the way to be able to have made this dream come true. Your support has impacted that dream and I thank you.

I may post this on my blog. It would be a good way to share with my other friends. I hope you wouldn't mind that. Let me know. I won't do that until I hear from you.

Take care -

Debi"

A Dad Visit

I had a Dad visit today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm crazy. I'm nuts. So go read the next blog on your list. Better yet, go read about Quantum Physics and catch up with the world. IT'S SCIENCE, NOT WITCHCRAFT OR MAKE BELIEVE. GOOGLE IT.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Kinda feels good for a change. LMAO That's funny stuff. I really hate being in a bad mood. It just feels good to get the feelings down on pap... well, in virtual world. I've had several meltdowns today; meltdowns like I had while moving. Big tears, no breathing, big heaves. I don't have a lot to be sad about, there's just a lot of gravity to the subject.

Just when I was thinking my most desperate thoughts Dad came and said it was going to be OK. What was coming was going to be exquisite and wonderful. (Where the hell did I get the word "exquisite"? I don't use that kind of language; that MUST have come from Dad.) That's how I tell it's him... stuff like that. I stopped crying and that's when I realized it was Dad. It's so weird; I simply can't come up with anymore tears. That "urge" to cry goes away. It's the damnedest thing. And "exquisite". I don't use that word. Ever. It's that stuff that makes me know it's not me "IMAGINING" that it's Dad, I KNOW it's Dad.

No, you don't have to believe. It's enough that I do. And I'm sure many of you have actually had similar experiences that you may or may not have shared with others. I share them because I totally believe, and it may give someone else the courage to share, too. The Universe is always watching out for me, and so is my Father.

It's so funny. When I dream about Dad and other people are with us (other than the immediate family) we have to pretend that he didn't die and come back to life. Yes, folks, in my dreams my Dad died and came back to life and lives with us. I don't know if this is because of the message and the last thing he said to me and the gold aura I have, or because he turned into a guru for so many people as he died. They would literally sit at his feet and listen to him talk about life. And death. He was an amazing man and I was lucky to know him at all, much less have him for a Dad. I chose well. ;)

Today happens to be the 58th anniversary of my Dad and Mom's wedding. LOL Of course, we all know they didn't make it this far. In fact, as odd as this is, Mary and Dad were married longer than Mom and Dad were. However, I think there was a reason for that. Us three kids got to watch the continuation of a friendship that defied the odds. Mom and Dad held hands through my wedding. Momma and Tex would go visit Mary and Dad, and vice versa. They were all good friends and got along great. It's amazing what can happen when you decide to be an adult. I know, and I think my step-mom agrees, that my Mother became a Widow on the day my Dad died every bit as much as my step-mom did.

Did I mention I chose the best family? I am the luckiest girl in the world. And if anyone else says they are, they're lying.

Peace Without Action and The Law of Attraction

I have always admired a man who was in the DVD "The Secret" named Michael Beckwith. For those of you familiar with the DVD but not his name, he is the black man with the long, lovely braided hair. He always seemed like a loving, gentle, peacemonger, and I usually like these kinds of people.

Today on Facebook his status was, "We are not here to set things right, but to see things righty..."

OK, first of all, I must point out that I believe there is a typo in this statement. The last word in this statement is "righty". For it to make any sense at all there should be an "L" in the last word to make the word "rightly". Otherwise, as one of the more clever readers commented, the only acceptable response to this status is "But what if you're a lefty?"

If you agree with me and think that Bechwith did, indeed, mean to add the "L" in the last word, then I am interested in your opinion of this statement. On the surface it seems to make some people feel warm all over. Most of the comments on the status seemed to be saying things like "Oh, isn't that a wonderful thought", and "Amen", and "Beautiful!", and "Thank you!", and other such positive things. I can only assume that these people are lemmings, or more like lambs to the slaughter. They seem to have no critical thinking skills.

MY first reaction was, "WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" One sole voice was commenting in the negative, asking why we would only accept things as good, or "rightly" and not choose to feed the hungry or clothe the naked when we see those that are suffering. That seems like a reasonable question and one I was about to ask myself. The comments below that began to absolutely boggle my mind. For instance:

• "We need to learn not to see these things, then they will weaken and disappear from our reality.
• We do that best by appreciating things that are good, and right, and true, and beautiful etc."
• "I *THINK it's a matter of what you focus on; if you see things right (as you want them to be) and act from there, then you'll create that. If you're focused on setting them right, then you're coming from a place of them being wrong, with judgement and continue to create those things too. That's what I got form it.."
• "There is no such thing as right or wrong until you make a judgement . . . if you see things as they truly are, you will know what actions are appropriate."
• "Western culture has a very profound belief that if we're not unhappy about something, we won't try to change it (job, living situation, relationship, etc.) We can see the perfection in all that Is and still choose to act out of that simply because we want things to be different, rather than coming from a place of judgment - and this is a very difficult distinction for a lot of us. People who are coming from judgment and unhappiness are often less effective - at the very least, they're contributing negative energy to the world/situation, and at the most, they may avoid the situation altogether because it's just "too upsetting." We CAN simply want things to be different and act out of that, without being judgmental or unhappy about the way they are first. A question to ask is, "what am I afraid it would mean" or "what am I afraid would(n't) happen if I weren't unhappy about this situation?" We feel sad about certain things happening because we believe that makes us better, more sensitive people. If I weren't upset about this happening then it would mean I didn't care. Can we get to a place where we just trust our caring, that we WILL act on whatever is important to us anyway, and if we don't act, no matter how much we feel we "should", it just isn't that important, no matter how much we feel it "should" be."

If I may, I will start with the first one.
Really? REALLY? Things are going to be disappear if we don't see them? Then it must be true that if I close my eyes you can't see me! Who knew childhood games would come true when we turned into adults???

We see things rightly when we see things as good, right, true and beautiful? Does that mean we can't act on them? Why? I'm confused.

I'm taking on two of these together. In my humble opinion both of these are ABSOLUTELY wrong. When I try to "fix" (I abhor that word - can we go with "improve"?) things I am coming from a place of love for the people/things/animals I am trying to help, not NECESSARILY from a place of others being wrong, or me being better than them. That would be a "judgment" for someone else to make. By the way - when you judge something as "good" you are most certainly making a judgment, just as if you judge it "in need of improvement" or "peaceful". Things may or may not be neutral until we judge it, but society gives us an unconscious measurement and, to my way of thinking, that is an inescapable fact of life. Many of us think outside of the box, but many things are simply looked at as black and white, good or bad.

I begin to understand the last post I quoted here because I begin to agree with some of it. However, these people she starts out talking about are people I simply cannot identify with. I just don't think that way. I am an Activist, an Adventurer; and as I would LIKE to always be motivated by love (GASP! Could I be human?) I don't always. I tend to angry at injustice and pain. Those are negative thoughts, and the Law of Attraction does state that those thoughts will bring me negative things. But what kind of person does it make me if I turn my back on a drowning victim? Do I not think the negative thoughts of fear just because I am afraid I will bring negative, fearful thoughts on myself? I honestly don't know the answer but I know which action I have to take in order to be able to live with myself the next day. That's just who I am.

I will, however, try my damnedest to accept who you are. Tolerance in this world is at such a premium that it must be practiced at all costs. You don't have to like the person, but tolerance and acceptance is almost required. Try to improve things? Yes, but anger and negativity? No; I agree. Not if we can help it.

Do I practice what I preach? Oh hell no - not always. ;) But I'm getting better at it.

If Religious Conservatives are correct, then what are they so afraid of?

I recently saw "Religulous", the enlightening documentary by Bill Maher, with a friend. I have always been one to ask questions of teachers, authority, and idiots. I come by it naturally; I had scientists and teachers for parents. For some odd reason, though, conservative right-wing religious devotees get very angry when you question their beliefs. If they are the only way to salvation then what makes them so insecure about people challenging their beliefs?

I don't really believe in religion. I am spiritual and I believe religion, more often than not, is used at the highest levels as a tax dodge and a cult - mostly as a way to keep power over the people and gain money. As a lover of human beings I simply cannot condone that kind of tyrannical behavior. Don't get me wrong, the PEOPLE of the Church have done countless good deeds, but the evil that has been done in the name of religion may, indeed, if weighed in total, negate all the positives.

I think there are many paths to God, but I also think there is only one God. He has a heck of a lot of names and faces, though. ;) In an instance I know of personally, for one agnostic God took the form of a door knob. This person was able to use that form as a vehicle for their higher power and successfully stopped drinking - now sober for over 20 years. That person no longer uses the door knob as their higher power, but they are a Unitarian Universalist. How's THAT for a path to God? :D

I have been lucky enough in my life to have four parents. Two with Ph.D.s and two with Masters degrees, all teachers and scientists. So I have a requirement of my beliefs that they be scientifically provable and accurate. For the last 2 years of my Dad's life all he talked about was dark matter (which had just been discovered) and quantum physics (which was just being openly talked about). Black matter and quantum physics changed science all together. So because of my Father I have studied quantum physics a lot. I also do a lot of meditating and use CD's from a place called The Monroe Institute, a non-profit organization that I have quite a history with. As a quick background: Buddhist monks go there and learn meditation skills in one week that the old monks say took them a lifetime to learn. It is truly an amazing place doing good work for the world (it's stated goal).

I think this background safely leads me to the place where I can state what my beliefs about God are without being taken as an idiot - for lack of a better term. I guess I don't see God with a personality. Why would God have a personality? God is love. If we really understand the Universe God is in us, around us, and to use the terms already used by a man that PROBABLY believes the same way I do, "...The Force surrounds us, penetrates us..." Yes, when I heard those words in Star Wars I was dumbfounded. George Lucas, when I was the young age of 17, had just hit upon my vision of God. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Even back then I knew what I believed but was afraid to say it. Now that I have the education, vocabulary, and understanding I can say that my beliefs marry spirituality and quantum physics. That is an impossible concept for some people to get their head around, but it is sheer logic and perfection for me. All miracles can be scientifically proven through quantum physics. ALL OF THEM. I've even done some myself. I have had systemic lupus for over 20 years. There is no more measurement of Lupus in my blood. I spent many years healing myself. I changed my DNA. Many doctors will tell you that I just went into remission. I say I healed myself. YOU choose YOUR miracle, I'll choose mine. I still have bad days, I still have symptoms, I still have lupus problems. But for YEARS I had no measurable lupus in my blood. I can give you other examples of "miracles" that are explainable. I believe in quantum physics AND miracles, because they are one and the same thing. I also believe in God.

A lot of people will think this is blasphemy. I don't. I think this is praising the amazingness of the Universe - whom I see as God. I have educated myself and learned and done amazing things through the Universe that God has given us. What is more "God-like" than that? I love people with all my heart as much as humanly possibly. I try to be "Christ-like" instead of "Christian" because I have little respects for Christians. As a whole they seem to be hypocrites. I believe that Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad, Mary Magdalene, and COUNTLESS other men and women were incredibly gifted disciples of God. We are ALL sons and daughters of God.

Shit like this can get me killed, and that makes me very sad. I believe there needs to be more tolerance in this world. I'm a peace monger, much like Jesus and John Lennon were (two big influences in my life). I'd better go make sure my address isn't in the info on my Facebook Wall. If you got this far, thanks for reading. :) Namaste.