It seems, much to my amazement, that I have been the woman who men date right before they marry, then oddly stay in touch with, as if they regret moving on; or seem to wish they'd had the courage to keep dating me but something kept them from it. It's not always that cut and dried, and the circumstances don't always completely fit that mold. However, I seem to be the "alter-personality" or the "uber-woman" for many men I have known.
The pieces starting coming together as I began realizing that friends were catching up with me after my move to Florida. It's been kinda nice to talk to old friends because it feels good when when they want to know how I am. It is ALWAYS great to know that people are thinking of you. The thing that I have been able to put together though all this is the situation that most of these men are now in compared to where I currently am. And I make no real judgment here; I base this on the simple observation that actions and speech tend to be an accurate measurement of how happy people are. These men are married or attached to someone they: A) have cheated on with me (known or unknown to me), B) have discussed with me some sort of relationship problem they had or were having, C) were attached to when they had wondered aloud how it might have been had WE stayed together, D) any or all of the above.
I am divorced, single, and pretty happy with my life. I would like to find a significant other to add in, but I think that will happen when I am ready. And as much as I would like to be ready I don't think I am yet. I really don't think I am ready to trust again, much less give the love back in full measure the same way I want to receive it. Maybe I'll never be ready. Maybe it's just something that happens when you meet the right one. I just don't know. But I have strayed off the subject.
When these enlightening thoughts came to me this week I was completely overwhelmed. I was ashamed at the fact that no man, it seemed, would ever see me as more than a stop along the way. Then I took a second look. Is it maybe that I am too good to be true? Some guys have put it just that way to me. "So what are YOU doing here?" "So what's wrong with you that you're not taken?" "Why hasn't somebody snatched you up?" You know, insinuating that if you really were "all that" you would be married already; that there had to be some fundamental flaw because I seemed so perfect. I don't know. Maybe there is. I'm just me, so what do I know?
So which is it? Trash? Or Treasure? Is there something really wrong with me? Or do men have no guts to think that there might be the possibility of having the perfect friend, lover, or whatever it is they're searching for - that perfect companion - in me? Or has society finally made companionship obsolete? There's no need for it. With dating as it is these days - it's all done in groups anyway - who needs companions for life? We can all live alone and date in groups as we need to, then "couple off" as necessary for those biological things that people do.... Hey, I've thought about that myself. Why would I want to strap on another man to my life? There's safety in numbers. So to speak.
I guess the fact is that I want to be special to someone. I deserve it. I am an incredible person. I don't usually let people see that because I chat and talk and hide behind my jabber. I cover up my beauty with intellect and verbosity and talk of my illness in hopes of people finding me disgusting and shallow so I'll not have to deal with being vulnerable to anyone. Sometimes that backfires, like it did with the only man I really liked in Greensboro. Serves me right. I got out alive and he never saw through me - but everything became very clear to me. I learned a lot in that little petri-dish of an apartment of his.
So. I guess this is who I am. Posting this is probably one huge, gigantic mistake. Open ribs, spread them, cut open heart. Nah. This is what I'm here for. Somewhere in here is my mission. This curse for openness is the blessing for someone else. And maybe, in the fullness of time, back around as a blessing for me.
I love your spirit, honesty and ability to cast away the bullshit and expose the layers. I am not a prolific writer, highly educated by schools or from the finer side of life. But I can spot a good soul. Your a good soul. It simply means you have not been shown the right mate yet. I married several wrong mates because I didn't dig deep enough to see ME. When I finally did and stopped looking for others to fill me up, I found mr. almost perfect in my eyes. He's a good egg. Not perfect, not me but a damn good guy. He tries hard all the time and that makes me love him all the more.
ReplyDeleteYou are just finishing up what needs worked on in you. You have to be comfortable with your own self worth. It sounds like your right foot just stepped in front of your left. Brava!! I'm loving getting to know you. HUGS Tammy
"So. I guess this is who I am. Posting this is probably one huge, gigantic mistake."
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't think so. Nooop! Nada! You wouldn't be here regularly with us, sharing your inner self like this, unless you weren't totally comfortable with it and knowing that you have friends here, anonymous though we all are to you. Know this - you can be totally frank and open here, where perhaps you can't always be in your real life outside of blogland. And if, perchance, some blog troll might ever happen to wander in here (Mermaid Land) and give you a hard time then all you need do is delete and ban the bozo from your net home. Overtime we'll help you find and define clearly the woman that is you.