Between This and That, or The Full Monty of Humiliation

The Moon was gorgeous tonight on the way home. OH - on the way home from my Singles Meetup group. Meetup.com - Google it. It was kinda hanging on the horizon, barely orange at just under three quarters. I really should pay more attention to my driving than nature. I'm just sayin'.

At my Singles Meetup tonight I was talking to a friend - whom I'm POSITIVE doesn't read this blog - and he said I looked good and that he had been missing me. I was so touched to hear that, and I told him so - quite sincerely. I don't take kind words like that lightly. People don't often say things like that to me. He could tell by the way I responded to his compliment that something was up. So I told him of my "incident" of two weeks (?) ago. I was finally able to come to some clarity on it and find words to describe my feelings on exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It's like this:

I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic. There are these things I am so familiar with about myself that I just HATE! This little flaw here, that HUGE flaw there. This personality quirk, the fact that I am THIS way instead of THAT way... and that I'm relatively sure people think she is prettier than I am - which is OK, but....

As a rule I really don't care what people think about me. I have grown to believe that as long as I am happy with myself and not hurting others I think I'm probably doing what the Universe expects of me. Granted, I do hurt others at times but I try to correct those situations as soon as possible. HOWEVER, when someone brings your faults to your attention, one by one, listing them out in great detail it is certainly a bit painful - well, to me at least.

This is exactly what happened in my little incident. I received - allegedly by accident - an e-mail from a guy that knew me pretty well, I'd say. This e-mail was intended for a friend of his, but "somehow" I was copied on it. Now. I know men - and women - talk openly of their conquests and problems in relationships; some much more than others. But this particular e-mail wasn't just listing funny little things I do; it listed those HUGE, PERSONAL FLAWS that I LOATHE in myself, and beat myself up about on those bad, insecure days. And that I pray to GOD no one else notices, or if they do they quickly forget about because... because of whatever reason.

I'd list these horrible qualities out for you so you'd know just how betrayed and humiliated I felt after reading the e-mail, but if I did that then you'd know my worst faults, fears, and shortcomings. Or maybe you already know since, apparently, they are incredibly blatant and obvious to even the most foolish of men. But, in this case, that wasn't enough humiliation for me. Oh, no. I had to be compared to a woman who happens to be the Ex-wife of a man I had been FB's with (we've been over this, folks - Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies) (whom I'm ALSO sure doesn't read this blog). Guess who won the comparison? Welllllllll, it wasn't me.

Wow! A Cherry for my Sundae! That makes my humiliation complete. So at the very least, (1) a man I thought at least liked me and (2) a perfect stranger he was writing to, know my inner-most fears and shortcomings. The betrayal was almost as perfect as the breakup of my marriage. Almost.

The honest truth is that some of it - not all of it - was true. One thing that was true is that I am old. That's a scary thing to me sometimes. Men don't like "old". I love my life but I get lonely. I'm a people person and I miss intimacy with people - YES, men, but also women. I've made stupid mistakes - like following a sociopath around the country for 11 years - leaving bits and pieces of my life behind - because I thought he was semi-normal and that he loved me. OOPS! I'm really bad at picking men - OBVIOUSLY. And I talk way too much sometimes because I'm trying to find a connection with people. Fortunately for me I get lucky occasionally and find forgiving people that I connect with and they put up with my chatter. At other times I just get hurt. That's the cost of doing business when you refuse to change. What's that saying?... Dance as if no one is looking, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you've never loved before, Live as if it were your last day on Earth. Eh - it's something like that. I don't always manage to accomplish that but I believe the principle is a good and worthy one to strive for. AGAIN - not to worry about what others think.

As I concluded my story for my friend tonight I told him I thought I was a stronger individual than how I reacted to having my "inventory" presented to me on a silver platter. It brought me so far down to my knees I had to leave town. For almost a week. I am still crying myself to sleep at the reality of the situation. Why it cut so deeply I really don't quite understand. But I will. And then it will be OK.

Why would I post this blog? How stupid am I to let even more people know of my plight? Honestly? I don't know. What I DO know is that when I share I touch people. One of my best friends bought a house today in Las Vegas because she got in touch with how unhappy she has been here in Greensboro for awhile now. I feel like I helped her get to those feelings, and she does, too. I feel good about that. I've helped another friend come to that point, also, and he is looking to move to Albuquerque. I've helped people get diagnosed with illnesses when they have been scared or didn't know they needed to go to the doctor. When I share it helps people, and that is part of why I am here, I think. I simply don't think the Universe wants me to be in business for myself only. Else - why bother learning? What would it be for in the end if not to help others? So I take a chance on sharing the innermost things sometimes. And I get hurt. Sometimes. Or not. Sometimes. Life is a journey - not a destination. Sometimes this adventure gets messy, but it's still fun and I'm happy.