Daytime Robbery at Clearwater Beach

I went to the beach today. FINALLY! I got up late, mostly because I went to bed early. I got my Mom's china unpacked last night. OK, it's my china now, but you get the idea. There are so many friggin boxes in the place. I'm throwing out stuff but JUDAS PRIEST. Sorry, I digress.

So, beach day. I made a sandwich (peanut butter, and I always blend my peanut butter with honey before putting it back in the jar because the organic peanut butter is sometimes a little bitter), and packed several frozen Gatorades. I tracked down a towel or two (THAT took the longest!), picked up a Starbucks and headed West on Gulf-to-Bay. Weird that it's West and not East. LOL I got there, got wet, and noticed the water was actually COLD. I guess the rain last week cooled the water off. I actually got chilled later in the evening getting out of the water.

I hadn't eaten since I got up so I decided to get my sandwich out. I opened the zip bag and took a bite of the half I got out and noticed that I was surrounded by seagulls, and they were VERY interested in my food. Suddenly, from behind me a seagull grabbed my sandwich FROM MY HAND and flew off with it. RIGHT OUT OF MY BLOODY HAND! I got one bite and it was gone! I screamed... and I felt really silly for screaming. And even sillier for trying to eat a sandwich surrounded by dozens (YES, DOZENS) of seagulls. I didn't realize that one of those stupid rats with wings would actually walk up behind me and steal it from my hand. I probably should have thought of this, considering just this week I've seen a YouTube video of a seagull casually walking into a convenience store and stealing Doritos. What a dummy.

The entire rest of the afternoon and evening I had to put up with a "feathered friend" watching closely in case I ate anything else. He stood guard about 5 feet away. Sometimes sitting, sometimes standing. I gave him the evil eye all afternoon. I even told him how angry I was with him. He wouldn't leave. He casually looked over occasionally, pretending he was just hanging about as seagulls do. But I knew better. He had guilt written all over his little top feathers.

As the sun began to set I started seeing dark spots appear and disappear on the ocean. LOL I quickly realized it was a pod of dolphin heading South, no doubt looking for dinner. I asked the couple next to me if they saw them and they had. Then, unbelievably, I squealed with joy. I need to put "growing up" on my agenda. How embarrassing.

A Dad Visit

I had a Dad visit today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm crazy. I'm nuts. So go read the next blog on your list. Better yet, go read about Quantum Physics and catch up with the world. IT'S SCIENCE, NOT WITCHCRAFT OR MAKE BELIEVE. GOOGLE IT.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Kinda feels good for a change. LMAO That's funny stuff. I really hate being in a bad mood. It just feels good to get the feelings down on pap... well, in virtual world. I've had several meltdowns today; meltdowns like I had while moving. Big tears, no breathing, big heaves. I don't have a lot to be sad about, there's just a lot of gravity to the subject.

Just when I was thinking my most desperate thoughts Dad came and said it was going to be OK. What was coming was going to be exquisite and wonderful. (Where the hell did I get the word "exquisite"? I don't use that kind of language; that MUST have come from Dad.) That's how I tell it's him... stuff like that. I stopped crying and that's when I realized it was Dad. It's so weird; I simply can't come up with anymore tears. That "urge" to cry goes away. It's the damnedest thing. And "exquisite". I don't use that word. Ever. It's that stuff that makes me know it's not me "IMAGINING" that it's Dad, I KNOW it's Dad.

No, you don't have to believe. It's enough that I do. And I'm sure many of you have actually had similar experiences that you may or may not have shared with others. I share them because I totally believe, and it may give someone else the courage to share, too. The Universe is always watching out for me, and so is my Father.

It's so funny. When I dream about Dad and other people are with us (other than the immediate family) we have to pretend that he didn't die and come back to life. Yes, folks, in my dreams my Dad died and came back to life and lives with us. I don't know if this is because of the message and the last thing he said to me and the gold aura I have, or because he turned into a guru for so many people as he died. They would literally sit at his feet and listen to him talk about life. And death. He was an amazing man and I was lucky to know him at all, much less have him for a Dad. I chose well. ;)

Today happens to be the 58th anniversary of my Dad and Mom's wedding. LOL Of course, we all know they didn't make it this far. In fact, as odd as this is, Mary and Dad were married longer than Mom and Dad were. However, I think there was a reason for that. Us three kids got to watch the continuation of a friendship that defied the odds. Mom and Dad held hands through my wedding. Momma and Tex would go visit Mary and Dad, and vice versa. They were all good friends and got along great. It's amazing what can happen when you decide to be an adult. I know, and I think my step-mom agrees, that my Mother became a Widow on the day my Dad died every bit as much as my step-mom did.

Did I mention I chose the best family? I am the luckiest girl in the world. And if anyone else says they are, they're lying.

Re-thought inevitable thoughts

Editor's note: Wow - it WAS a rough day yesterday. This post didn't even make sense. For your dining and dancing pleasure I have edited it and hope it comes together a little better. It's mostly for my benefit, but ca va (my small bit of conversational French, with the obligatory punctuation missing).

My first rough day... I know part of it is because I've gone without sunshine for a week! A big reason why I moved down here is because I have a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder which I inherited from my Father. I just don't do well without sunshine, and it's the rainy season here in sunny Florida. I mean, no less than 7 days of rain. I have literally begun to put my bathing suit on and it starts to pour. Or I hear the thunder (which occasionally I think is an accident over on Highway 19 - which if I were to throw a rock I could hit if I tried hard enough). There was actually a one-car accident last night (not far up from here) but I didn't hear it - thank goodness. For those of you that don't know, squealing tires and highway noises are an issue for me because I've been in two major accidents, both of which I was injured in, one of which totaled my car and activated the sleeping Lupus gene.

So, besides the lack of sun, I'm choosing to mourn a friend I left behind in Greensboro. Ha. A friend. Who knows. Nonetheless, someone I treasured in my heart. It's funny about leaving places; you usually get blamed for everything bad that happened in every relationship, group, work situation, etc., that you were a part of. My ears have been burning since I arrived. LOL I've been kept up-to-date on the gossip, unfortunately. And that, in itself, is a huge part of why I left that place - I couldn't get past how small a town it was, and how "small" so many of the people were. It was worse than high school, because I don't remember any of my friends being that catty. Unless it was me. I never want to assume that I was as nice as I think I was. Someone out there might think I was Genghis Khan. But I digress. Back to small people with small minds.

I don't want people in my business, and frankly, unless they are my very close friend I don't care about theirs. Talking about people behind their back can blow up in your face and hurt all sorts of people. We all do it, but some do it for reasons of working out a social problem with a person you hang out with (such as I do with a close girlfriend), and other do it with a hidden agenda in mind. That kind of gossip damages people and I've been one if the victims in the past. THEN, when I "get caught up" or asked about my sweet friend it makes it that much harder to disconnect. Yes, I want to stay in touch. I have had feelings for a long time now. But I don't know how healthy that is. All I know is I left that little "boro" for a plethora of reasons, all intertwined and valid and good. I wasn't running from anything, I made sure of that. But there's nothing wrong with one of the benefits of that move being putting some space between you and a relationship that has been hard to understand and deal with. It is difficult to decide whether to keep in touch with friends in a relationship that can be painful, or cut all ties and have your soul in pain for months.

Above all else I believe life is supposed to be easy; relatively simple. WE make it complicated. Ever since I found out I had lupus I have built my life around keeping it low maintenance and low stress. I can't expect to have all the answers about how to live down here yet. But I hadn't expected to still be in this pain AND be missing Dad this much right now. And this DAMN RAIN. Crap. I am still working on this. I have no words of wisdom right now.

Maybe my friend will still want to stay in touch. I just don't know. But until I know I must assume that because I have moved away it is all over and done. I am so sad about it. So sad. So sad.

Who Is This Woman?

Lily Pod arrived yesterday and was unloaded today. Thus, my house is full of familiar furniture and boxes. The boxes aren't familiar, just the furniture. I still have a lot of stuff to throw out, "pare down" being the more delicate term, and I can't wait to get started with that - seriously. Although the Judge in my divorce was pretty fair in awarding "things", I now feel that I just got stuck with stuff I didn't want bought by a man out of control in a marriage that was way past healthy. When I made my exit I replaced things, added some, kept some. Over the years as I have healed and realized what I want my life to be about I have decided to get rid of a lot of it. Now, all of a sudden, I can't seem to get rid of enough. I keep going back through the house in areas I swear I thought I was finished with discarding more and more "stuff". Some I intend to sell (like my entire set of china from when I was married), and some it going to Goodwill. Some isn't the worth the time it takes to throw out. I already have a blog in the works for a redux about what I can and can't live without, now that I have been living without most everything for about two weeks. It has been an interesting experience.

What I find most interesting about today - the day my house is again full of my "things" is that the old Debi would be immediately diving in; unloading boxes, filling cabinets, going through kitchen items and throwing out those things I don't want anymore. But what is this "New Debi" doing? This New Debi that has emerged from this spiritual growth period she's been through for the past couple of years? First, she took a nap. Always a good beginning. NEVER do anything when you're exhausted. The world seems like such an ugly place when you're tired. Second, I called a friend to let her know I was still alive and kicking and deliriously happy in Florida. Third? After I finish this blog (no, I'm not on my computer yet - I'm in the business center. Apparently the wheels of the cable company in this town turn V.E.R.Y. slowly) I'm headed out the door behind me to the the pool I am at this moment staring at. I thought of driving the 6 miles to the beach but I really do want to get some boxes unloaded this evening, so I don't want to take that much time today. From what I understand the beach will be there tomorrow, too. Or later tonight, even. It's a 24/7 attraction. I've even found my own little piece of beach I like. It's right by a kayak rental. :) But I digress.

Who is this new woman that isn't out of shear guilt tearing through boxes to make things absolutely perfect the first minute she can? Who is this woman who is putting her happiness first and letting things fall where they may? I sure hope she stays around. I'm not saying I'm going to let things go, or that I'm giving up perfection. But it used to be an either/or directive. It isn't anymore. There has to be a balance in my life now. No, there IS a balance in my life. Well, maybe "has" is an OK word. Because without that balance I go back to the Old Debi. And I never did like her that much. She was uptight, unhappy, and a whole lot of other "u's".

This blog really is my journal. Boy, do I have a lot of journalling to catch up on. I need my computer back.

OMG I missed you guys!

That may be an odd title my first blog back from my move but I have thought a lot about my friends, especially you guys - the ones I expect to help keep me honest, spiritually centered, and humble.

I am in my new apartment complex's business center that, until only moments ago, was quiet and calm. It is now a bit less than that because the TV (yes, there is a TV in the business center for the kids to watch, I guess, while their parents use the computers???) has just been switched on. However, a sweet little girl (with no parent in sight) asked if I wanted her to turn it down so I could concentrate and I told her that would be very nice. So at least I can still hear myself think.

So much has happened during this move. I moved about 7 times (I lost count) during my marriage to Michael. I did the moves alone because Michael was always already working at the new location (I think he did that on purpose - what do you think?) so I REALLY know how to do this schtick. I plan carefully, check and double-check with people. But this move has been a NIGHTMARE. Never have I had so many things go wrong, and so much unwanted, unsolicited advice from "friends" on what I should have done and what I could have done better (which, of course, I had already done anyway and was just too tired or didn't care enough to tell them that). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have come to the conclusion that most everyone I knew in Greensboro thought I was an idiot. All the more reason that I'm glad to be out of there. Never have I had more people call me a "friend" and disappear when the going got rough than when I was in Dallas and I got diagnosed with Lupus. Friends my ass. But, enough of that. Everyone knows friends disappear when you move. So be it. True friends are few and far between. It is a truly bright reflection on me that behavior of this type surprises me. I have been blessed with TRUE friendship because I give true friendship back. When people are honest with me about what is going on in their lives I suit up and show up if I am at all physically able. If I'm not physically able I think outside the box and get on the phone and make things happen. And, it is also true, that we don't want everyone to know how bad things are at times.

So it's not about the moving thing so much. It's really about Greensboro. It's this funny little town unto itself. As I talked about leaving town (and I think I referred to this in a prior blog) many people mentioned that they longed to get out of Greensboro, and many of the ones that mentioned it are now making plans to do just that. The South may be friendly but it is also a "clique". If you don't fit into that little "clique-ish" group you'd better be damn sure you're strong enough to fight them on your own, or get out. I fought it on my own for awhile, and found a group I fit with for a time, but life is about being happy, not about fighting a battle every time you go out in public. I knew a place where I would be happy because - save for a very troubled husband - I was deliriously happy there before.

GUESS WHAT? I am again happy! I haven't taken this shit-eating grin off my face since I got here. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday... that has to be expected I suppose. I still face several uphill battles, unfortunately. I am going to overcome them, but it will take some time and a lot of effort, and quite a bit of money. Those dumb movers didn't do their job correctly so I still have to figure out how to get about one quarter of my stuff to Florida, my cracked rib is MUCH better, thank you, I only have my storage unit in Greensboro until September 30th without paying more money, and many more issues. I will blog on all of it simply because it helps me come to terms with all of it. OH - and for my dear Loopies out there, the first woman I met at my first Singles Meetup has LUPUS! The Universe works in strange ways. And who cares about the guys that were there (they were all creeps anyway). I'm celibate now. Tune in next time! LOL

Love and Peace to you all.

Namaste

Thoughts Upon Being Compared to a Three-Year-Old

During "The Incident" several weeks ago (some of you may recall this, others of you - just go with this, OK?) I was reminded of the possibility of having ovarian cancer. This possibility is something I am handling well and am applying the Law of Attraction to - better than I ever applied to any issue before (except maybe my move to Florida), so I consider it a NON-issue now. However, at the time, it was thrown in my face (figuratively, of course) and it horrified me. I became very upset and the witness at that time compared me to a three-year-old.

After some thought on this subject I have decided that I should take such a comparison as a compliment. If I EVER begin to cover up my feelings as much as some people I am acquainted with then I wish to be put out of my misery. I have worked hard to keep my feelings on the surface rather than stuff them deep into my psyche, never to be seen until they "unexpectedly" boil over in a tirade aimed at someone I love, rather than taken out on the person they should have been calmly expressed to at the time. That is how three year old are (not to mention well-adjusted adults); they are usually happy, they tell people what they want when they want it, they are honest and open, and they cry (or at least let their feelings out) when they are unhappy or have been done wrong.

Golly! Sounds pretty healthy to me.

The Shout Out

While sitting on Clearwater Beach after finding my new home I thought of so many people in my life that I am grateful for:

My family has been unwavering in the support for me while trying to make this dream come true. They may have thought I was crazy half the time, but they supported me nonetheless. NEVER underestimate how much validation means to people. Individuals have to make their own mistakes; validation with love and nurturing care helps people fulfill their dreams and helps soften the fall if they don't. End of lecture.

My countless, wonderful friends came to mind while I sat there in that soft, baby-powder sand. Taz, your shout out was first. The echo I heard in the Universe was deafening, and happy. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought of my (almost lifetime) friend Lynette, with whom I had actually been on that beach with before. I thought of my old life in Tampa, I thought of all the supportive people in Greensboro that wanted to see me succeed in my efforts to move to Florida, and all my friends on Facebook that have done nothing less than kept me afloat and my spirits up during this emotional and difficult time. No one is luckier than I am, and if they say they are they MUST be lying.

I thought of the people right there in Clearwater that worked so hard those few days to help me find my new apartment. Robby, and the girls at the complex, were welcoming and made the process much easier for me.

I thought of my Spiritual Adviser, I thought of my daily Universal thoughts that have helped me get through this, I thought of Socks... he would love the new place. And Dad would be so happy for me.

My phone and my car didn't break until I got back from Florida, and for that I am truly grateful. If that had happened while I was still in Florida it would have been a mess, and so would I. LOL Thankfully I got home and was able to handle fixing the phone with the help of a dear friend, and I got the car out to the dealership without having to use a tow truck. Will wonders never cease? :)

To be continued...

Another Attitude of Gratitude

I've been crazy busy, so the blog has suffered. But I must say I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to take a moment to share it.

Many pieces of bad news have been coming my way lately. I have let it all get to me, without adding my usual positive spin to it. I can forgive myself for this; I am human. When the world continually pelts you with negativity the only way of overcoming it is with positive energy, and I really got in a funk for awhile. Even as I was in Florida finding my new home the bad news kept coming. Only after I found my new place and made a beeline for the beach did I realize what was happening. Sometimes we are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Sitting there in my pink beach chair (they didn't have a purple one), watching the sunset (THINK ABOUT IT - THE GULF COAST OF FLORIDA IS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES YOU CAN WATCH THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES), taking in dip in the 90 degree water (90 degrees F!), I finally relaxed and realized that nothing of the past few months really mattered - not even the bad health news. I set out to move to Florida in March of this year and by mid-August I will be living there. Being there on Clearwater Beach every single problem in my world dissipated. Peace surrounded me and turmoil ceased. My shoulders left my ears and I found them down around my chest again. I was back to where I was supposed to be - near the water where my spirit lives. I get my energy from being outside near water. There has never been enough of that for me in most of the places I have lived. There have been a few, but not for a long time.

The apartment I will be living in is the farthest from the beach that I looked at, but c'est la vie. So what? It's still closer than I am right now! LOL The thing I find interesting is that before I went to Florida to look for apartments EVERYONE seemed to ask me what the worst case scenario was if I moved down there. My answer was always the same: At least I will have the beach. When I got to the beach that afternoon I realized THAT WAS EVERYTHING. It's not the minimum, it's everything. Silly me. If I am lucky enough to have anything else positive happen in my life it will be icing on the cake.

I have moved up my move date YET AGAIN. So I am VERY STRESSED, but the Universe will work this out somehow. My job is to do what I can and be ready. I live in gratitude and faith. I am happier than I have been for months, and it is because I know I am, yet again, on the right path. I have weak moments, but my gratitude returns. I guess that is gratitude for gratitude. :D LOL

7/7/10 - A Good Day

My work for the day is FINALLY done. I am exhausted. My head is full of numbers and my soul is full of gratitude. My heart if halfway between overjoyed and heavy. This move is going to happen.

On a day when one of the most unhappy women I have ever known posted a photo of me that she probably thought would piss me off I have the date for my trip to go to Florida and rent my apartment planned, all the money is lined up to do it, the date is set and my POD reserved to move. I gotta tell you, it's kinda scary. Still, it's the right thing for me. Someone asked me the other day what the worst case scenario is; overall, it would be staying in Greensboro - I guess. Second worst case scenario? Living in Florida close to the beach, knowing no one, and picking up tar balls every day. That is one of my two dreams come true (the living in Florida part). All in all that's not bad. And I bet doing that I could meet some people interested in keeping the environment protected, at least. Who knows? That would help more dreams come true....

I want to continue to remember to turn away hate and wrath and passive aggression with love and understanding - and a sense of humor about myself. I also hope that I meet some people with values that are a bit closer to mine than what I have found here. Oh UuuuuuNIVERSE - here's my order. Fulfill that, please. Completion date must be by August 18th, 2010. Thanks.

Between This and That, or The Full Monty of Humiliation

The Moon was gorgeous tonight on the way home. OH - on the way home from my Singles Meetup group. Meetup.com - Google it. It was kinda hanging on the horizon, barely orange at just under three quarters. I really should pay more attention to my driving than nature. I'm just sayin'.

At my Singles Meetup tonight I was talking to a friend - whom I'm POSITIVE doesn't read this blog - and he said I looked good and that he had been missing me. I was so touched to hear that, and I told him so - quite sincerely. I don't take kind words like that lightly. People don't often say things like that to me. He could tell by the way I responded to his compliment that something was up. So I told him of my "incident" of two weeks (?) ago. I was finally able to come to some clarity on it and find words to describe my feelings on exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It's like this:

I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic. There are these things I am so familiar with about myself that I just HATE! This little flaw here, that HUGE flaw there. This personality quirk, the fact that I am THIS way instead of THAT way... and that I'm relatively sure people think she is prettier than I am - which is OK, but....

As a rule I really don't care what people think about me. I have grown to believe that as long as I am happy with myself and not hurting others I think I'm probably doing what the Universe expects of me. Granted, I do hurt others at times but I try to correct those situations as soon as possible. HOWEVER, when someone brings your faults to your attention, one by one, listing them out in great detail it is certainly a bit painful - well, to me at least.

This is exactly what happened in my little incident. I received - allegedly by accident - an e-mail from a guy that knew me pretty well, I'd say. This e-mail was intended for a friend of his, but "somehow" I was copied on it. Now. I know men - and women - talk openly of their conquests and problems in relationships; some much more than others. But this particular e-mail wasn't just listing funny little things I do; it listed those HUGE, PERSONAL FLAWS that I LOATHE in myself, and beat myself up about on those bad, insecure days. And that I pray to GOD no one else notices, or if they do they quickly forget about because... because of whatever reason.

I'd list these horrible qualities out for you so you'd know just how betrayed and humiliated I felt after reading the e-mail, but if I did that then you'd know my worst faults, fears, and shortcomings. Or maybe you already know since, apparently, they are incredibly blatant and obvious to even the most foolish of men. But, in this case, that wasn't enough humiliation for me. Oh, no. I had to be compared to a woman who happens to be the Ex-wife of a man I had been FB's with (we've been over this, folks - Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies) (whom I'm ALSO sure doesn't read this blog). Guess who won the comparison? Welllllllll, it wasn't me.

Wow! A Cherry for my Sundae! That makes my humiliation complete. So at the very least, (1) a man I thought at least liked me and (2) a perfect stranger he was writing to, know my inner-most fears and shortcomings. The betrayal was almost as perfect as the breakup of my marriage. Almost.

The honest truth is that some of it - not all of it - was true. One thing that was true is that I am old. That's a scary thing to me sometimes. Men don't like "old". I love my life but I get lonely. I'm a people person and I miss intimacy with people - YES, men, but also women. I've made stupid mistakes - like following a sociopath around the country for 11 years - leaving bits and pieces of my life behind - because I thought he was semi-normal and that he loved me. OOPS! I'm really bad at picking men - OBVIOUSLY. And I talk way too much sometimes because I'm trying to find a connection with people. Fortunately for me I get lucky occasionally and find forgiving people that I connect with and they put up with my chatter. At other times I just get hurt. That's the cost of doing business when you refuse to change. What's that saying?... Dance as if no one is looking, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you've never loved before, Live as if it were your last day on Earth. Eh - it's something like that. I don't always manage to accomplish that but I believe the principle is a good and worthy one to strive for. AGAIN - not to worry about what others think.

As I concluded my story for my friend tonight I told him I thought I was a stronger individual than how I reacted to having my "inventory" presented to me on a silver platter. It brought me so far down to my knees I had to leave town. For almost a week. I am still crying myself to sleep at the reality of the situation. Why it cut so deeply I really don't quite understand. But I will. And then it will be OK.

Why would I post this blog? How stupid am I to let even more people know of my plight? Honestly? I don't know. What I DO know is that when I share I touch people. One of my best friends bought a house today in Las Vegas because she got in touch with how unhappy she has been here in Greensboro for awhile now. I feel like I helped her get to those feelings, and she does, too. I feel good about that. I've helped another friend come to that point, also, and he is looking to move to Albuquerque. I've helped people get diagnosed with illnesses when they have been scared or didn't know they needed to go to the doctor. When I share it helps people, and that is part of why I am here, I think. I simply don't think the Universe wants me to be in business for myself only. Else - why bother learning? What would it be for in the end if not to help others? So I take a chance on sharing the innermost things sometimes. And I get hurt. Sometimes. Or not. Sometimes. Life is a journey - not a destination. Sometimes this adventure gets messy, but it's still fun and I'm happy.