The Two-Day Filter

OK. Putting time and space inbetween "news" and "action" often helps one's perspective. It's been two days since I found out that I may be losing some income and may not be able to make ends meet each month. I've mulled it over and put it through the "outside the box" computer - or whatever that magic thing is that gets me out of these tight squeezes every time I'm in them.

Maybe living in a tent isn't the best "Plan A". I'd love to go back to work part time, but that brings problems all its own. It wouldn't bring in more money, and it might eventually lead to a whole lot less money. Of course, that's not the real problem. I don't think I COULD work. I don't have easy access to sumatriptan right now - and I would need that to work; my back is still a daily painful issue; and I might be putting my insurance in jeopardy and I can't afford to do that. In so many cases it is the government that keeps people on disability, not the individuals themselves. The system is set up so that it becomes impossible to get out of it if you have a chronic illness. Life just isn't black and white like the government would like for it to be... like so many people would like for it to be. Sure, I'd love it if life were clear cut and laid out perfectly but I learned long ago it isn't. I guess it's just another place I don't fit in. (Wow, I'm not in a good place this weekend.)

So -- I don't think going back to work is the answer. I had hoped to when I moved down here, and maybe sometime in the future I can, but not now. NEXT!

What about a roommate? Baaaaaaaaahaaahahahahaha!!!!!! I only want a roommate if he'll fuck my legs off three nights a week and on weekends. Oh, and he has to be a soulmate, too. NEXT.

Sell everything? God knows I'm trying. Well, OK, not very hard. I'm still in the middle of getting all my stuff to Florida. That's why a big part of me is so angry. I had everything where I wanted it here in the apartment and now I have to practically re-situate everything to accomodate the stuff that I really wanted to put there in the first place. Did you get that??? The stuff I really wanted all along was in Greensboro.

I'm looking back at this move and wondering how all this happened... Did I bring this all on myself? Should I have asked for help? You see, I will do just about anything to not feel like a victim. I spent far too much of my life feeling like a victim. So I do the opposite of being a victim - I blame myself for things that might not be my fault rather than blame someone else for things that happen to me. But it feels better to take responsibility for myself and then have it be on me than feel like a victim. Maybe that's why I have trouble asking for help. I don't want to be victimized ever again. And I figure if no one helps me then I'll be responsible for everything I do.

Hmmmm... there's something wrong with that logic. LOL Maybe a little over-reaction to being a victim, huh. Then, of course, there's that perceived reality that no one really cares enough to help me, anyway. That has certainly been proven a couple of times. Again, though, that is also an over-reaction to unforeseen circumstances where people couldn't show up due to various reasons. Well, that, and the incessant belittling from my Ex. [Thank you, Dr. Freud. We now return you to Debi's Blog.]

Bloody hell, where was I? I think I'm going to take this stupid money issue and table it, or better yet sink it during my walk at the beach tonight. If my days are numbered I want to enjoy them. Worrying about this shit isn't going to make it go away or put it off. I want to think about how wonderful it is that I live here at all... how grateful I am for everything I have, and that I don't have a headache today. I have food to eat, if not all my drugs, but fuck my drugs. Who needs them? :) I want to yell across the ocean that Aung San Suu is free - at least for the time being - and feel the gratitude in my bones. When I am cheering up my friends and family I never think of my problems. I would so much rather do that than worry about me. I don't know if that is the path to enlightenment or not. I hope so. It sure as hell makes me feel better, and it seems to make others feel better. However, I DO know that all the "Christians" in my life think I'm going to hell if I try to be "enlightened". But not to worry. I don't believe in hell. :) I DO believe that when we are negative bad things happen, and we must try to be as positive and kind as we can. But that is for another blog... I've got to get back to work on this seemingly impossible task of re-arranging my apartment. It'll get done. At some point.