Walk on the Beach 11/14/10

The world always looks better after a trip to the beach, er, ocean. Well, call it what you will. They're kinda indivisible. Ever thought of that? If you go to the beach you go to the ocean, or at least a body of water. In Texas we had a lot of lakes that frequently were better called big mud puddles, but there was always a beach. I frequently camped on the beach and scuba dived in the big mud puddle attached to it. :) Very fond memories.

You can really tell the Snowbirds are back in Florida. There was a lot more trash on the beach tonight; most notably plastic bags that I picked up and threw away. The birds were pecking on them out of curiosity. Some humans are such pigs.

The sunset was gorgeous, of course, but I didn't see any dolphin feeding. The sand was so cold that by the time I had walked the width of the beach to reach the shore my toes were frozen! The water was a little warmer but not my much. I didn't time my walk very well. The time change still has me confused. By the time I got there it was later than I thought so I had to turn around before I reached the pier. But I still got some good thinking in, found 2 really great shells (some obsessions may never go away), found my sense of humor and left with serenity and peace. Life is never perfect, but all is well.

The Two-Day Filter

OK. Putting time and space inbetween "news" and "action" often helps one's perspective. It's been two days since I found out that I may be losing some income and may not be able to make ends meet each month. I've mulled it over and put it through the "outside the box" computer - or whatever that magic thing is that gets me out of these tight squeezes every time I'm in them.

Maybe living in a tent isn't the best "Plan A". I'd love to go back to work part time, but that brings problems all its own. It wouldn't bring in more money, and it might eventually lead to a whole lot less money. Of course, that's not the real problem. I don't think I COULD work. I don't have easy access to sumatriptan right now - and I would need that to work; my back is still a daily painful issue; and I might be putting my insurance in jeopardy and I can't afford to do that. In so many cases it is the government that keeps people on disability, not the individuals themselves. The system is set up so that it becomes impossible to get out of it if you have a chronic illness. Life just isn't black and white like the government would like for it to be... like so many people would like for it to be. Sure, I'd love it if life were clear cut and laid out perfectly but I learned long ago it isn't. I guess it's just another place I don't fit in. (Wow, I'm not in a good place this weekend.)

So -- I don't think going back to work is the answer. I had hoped to when I moved down here, and maybe sometime in the future I can, but not now. NEXT!

What about a roommate? Baaaaaaaaahaaahahahahaha!!!!!! I only want a roommate if he'll fuck my legs off three nights a week and on weekends. Oh, and he has to be a soulmate, too. NEXT.

Sell everything? God knows I'm trying. Well, OK, not very hard. I'm still in the middle of getting all my stuff to Florida. That's why a big part of me is so angry. I had everything where I wanted it here in the apartment and now I have to practically re-situate everything to accomodate the stuff that I really wanted to put there in the first place. Did you get that??? The stuff I really wanted all along was in Greensboro.

I'm looking back at this move and wondering how all this happened... Did I bring this all on myself? Should I have asked for help? You see, I will do just about anything to not feel like a victim. I spent far too much of my life feeling like a victim. So I do the opposite of being a victim - I blame myself for things that might not be my fault rather than blame someone else for things that happen to me. But it feels better to take responsibility for myself and then have it be on me than feel like a victim. Maybe that's why I have trouble asking for help. I don't want to be victimized ever again. And I figure if no one helps me then I'll be responsible for everything I do.

Hmmmm... there's something wrong with that logic. LOL Maybe a little over-reaction to being a victim, huh. Then, of course, there's that perceived reality that no one really cares enough to help me, anyway. That has certainly been proven a couple of times. Again, though, that is also an over-reaction to unforeseen circumstances where people couldn't show up due to various reasons. Well, that, and the incessant belittling from my Ex. [Thank you, Dr. Freud. We now return you to Debi's Blog.]

Bloody hell, where was I? I think I'm going to take this stupid money issue and table it, or better yet sink it during my walk at the beach tonight. If my days are numbered I want to enjoy them. Worrying about this shit isn't going to make it go away or put it off. I want to think about how wonderful it is that I live here at all... how grateful I am for everything I have, and that I don't have a headache today. I have food to eat, if not all my drugs, but fuck my drugs. Who needs them? :) I want to yell across the ocean that Aung San Suu is free - at least for the time being - and feel the gratitude in my bones. When I am cheering up my friends and family I never think of my problems. I would so much rather do that than worry about me. I don't know if that is the path to enlightenment or not. I hope so. It sure as hell makes me feel better, and it seems to make others feel better. However, I DO know that all the "Christians" in my life think I'm going to hell if I try to be "enlightened". But not to worry. I don't believe in hell. :) I DO believe that when we are negative bad things happen, and we must try to be as positive and kind as we can. But that is for another blog... I've got to get back to work on this seemingly impossible task of re-arranging my apartment. It'll get done. At some point.

First, Do No Harm

This was a bad day. It didn't start out that day, but it ended up as one, long adventure in pain.

My insurance, in it's God-Complex-As-Only-An-Insurance-Company-Can-Have, cut me off from the medication that resolves (medical jargon for "gets rid of") my migraines. Apparently due to cutbacks I am allowed 48 shots of sumatriptan each year now, and I have planned my headaches badly. Bad Debi. Bad, bad Debi. Actually, if you think about it, that's 4 shots a month. That's more than I usually use, so I'm not sure what's up with me this year. But the fact is I have cluster headaches, not normal migraines. That diagnosis has probably gotten lost in my paperwork because the sumatriptan now exists and has worked so well for me. OH, AND NO ONE HAS EVER COUNTED HOW MANY DOSES I'VE USED PER YEAR.

I used to live in fear of my migraines simply because I would be in pain for days on end, unable to move, vomiting up nothing, delirious, and alone. Depending on whether or not I was married at the time, I would get so sick that at some point I would drive my idiot self to the ER and either call a friend or take a Taxi home, or my husband would drop me off on his way to work and pick me up on his way home, or whenever. The only way to treat migraines before the late 1980's was pain meds and anti-nausea drugs. Then came Ergotamines. They helped somewhat, but still left you looking like a mummy and acting stupid as a stone.

I took part in the drug tests for sumatriptan. I know I took the actual drug, because within 20 minutes this wave of relief swept over me like I'd never felt before. It was amazing. Life as I had known it was changed forever. Of course, it took years for it to hit the market, but once it did, life was good. In fact, a doctor once asked me if I had a choice to get rid of my lupus or my migraines which would I choose? Without skipping a beat I responded that I'd gladly keep the lupus. This astounded the doctor, as well as me, considering that the lupus was a deadly disease and migraines were not. But I didn't live in fear of lupus; I did of migraines. And now I am back to that way of life because someone - NOT MY DOCTOR - thinks I've had enough sumatriptan this year. In fact, they are so bent on this position that they are willing to pay a hospital to give me the shot rather than have me give it to myself.

So I must play this game until January 1, 2011, though it's no game. It's my quality of life. I offer up, as an example, today's adventure. A 4-day migraine that I almost got rid of last night, but I just didn't quite get it done. So off to my first ER visit in Florida. All is going well. I'm meditating to ease the pain until the shot comes - which as we all know can be hours - and it was... about two. So a nurse walks in with THREE, count 'em, THREE shots when I only needed one: SUMATRIPTAN. She's got the sumatriptan, a pain injection, and an anti-nausea. I appreciated the thought, but the sumatriptan gets rid of all of those immediately so there's no need for the pain and the anti-nausea shot at all. I'm not sure why they were ordered by the doctor, unless this was his first time treating a migraine. Lucky me.

OK, back to my adventure. The problem started when the anti-nausea medicine the nurse is about to give me was one I am allergic to. OOPS. So I point this out and all of a sudden EVERYTHING CHANGED. The atmosphere in the room went thick. Her attitude went from nurse-like to attorney-ish. I asked her if she checked my chart first; I never got a response to that. She kept interrupting me. OOOOOOOOOO... that is a huge pet peeve of mine. I HATE being interrupted. It's rude, and you can't possibly communicate when someone keeps interrupting you. HUGE PET PEEVE. Thus, she doesn't hear most of what I say, and I'm so out of it from the pain that I can't remember most of what she said. LOL - Although, it wasn't funny at the time. I remember she said something like, "I never came close to your skin with that shot." HUH? Who brought my skin into this? Then, "Well, I don't actually have the shot with me." HUH? Then how could you have come close to my skin anyway? This was the way the conversation, er, lecture went. Then suddenly she says she's going to "waste" these three shots and go talk to the doctor. WHAT? She's got my sumatriptan in her hands and she's going to "WASTE" it? I've been in pain for FOUR DAYS, she's a foot away from me with the one thing that will get me out of pain and she's going to "WASTE" it? And that's exactly what she did. She walked over to the red box where you put used needles, put all the meds into the box and walked out.

I lost it. I didn't stop crying for the next 2 1/2 hours. I don't know why, I just couldn't. I stood at the door to my ER room crying those huge, guttural cries, gasping for breath, asking people to send my nurse in and no one would. The entire staff ignored me. I've actually had dreams like this. Being a frequent patient, when others have complete control over whether you are in pain or out of pain it is a desperately helpless feeling. It's difficult to maintain any dignity at all.

I've been in pain with my lupus for over half my life. OK, life sucks. But if I don't have to be in pain I have vowed not to be. Someone else can play Saviour, I'm going to get out of pain. The technology exists for me to be free of pain on occasion and I will take advantage of that freedom whenever I can. More and more the powers that be (the FDA, the government, I don't know who) has decided that pain meds are dangerous. All the scientific data has proven that pain meds are only a danger to people who are not in pain. The percentage of people in pain that get addicted is actually very low, despite the high profile headlines we see. It is only those who aren't really in pain that get addicted. People in true pain don't want the meds when they don't need them because they would rather live a normal life. Pain meds fuck you up. We don't want to feel fucked up. We want to feel NORMAL; and pain meds make us feel normal when we are in pain.

With sumatriptan for migraines pain meds are not necessary. The sumatriptan actually treats the cause of the pain (inflammation of the blood vessels in the brain) and thus the pain is immediately dissipated. Fun, huh. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO GET THE SHOT.

My migraine is still present and accounted for, and I've had the maximum dosage I can have of sumatriptan for the next 24 hours. I'm screwed. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow, but for tonight it's just another night of pain with no way out.

You MUST Listen To Your Soul

I am feeling overwhelming gratitude this minute - hell, this week. So many incredible things have happened this week; both bad and good, and in time they have shown their true colors and made clear what I needed to see.

I just arrived home from a dinner Meetup where I met wonderful, new people and, FOR THE FIRST TIME, saw old, familiar people that I'd seen at other meetups and recognized AND THEY RECOGNIZED ME! And just by being who I am I was able to make a newcomer feel as if she'd been there for years (I have a way of doing that - if I do say so myself). The people that recognized me were giving me a hard time, joking with me about being a dive instructor and a football fan. I felt like one of the group. It was wonderful.

After dinner we went to the first bar I went to when I first moved here: Ozona Blue. It has a swimming pool, a jacuzzi, and is right on the water. It's fucking amazing. There was live music tonight (as there was at the other place, but for some reason - which I don't care to detail at this time - we decided to go down the road a half mile and the equivalent of Key West to South Beach) and we drank and danced and had a great time. After everyone left I stayed and bathed in the moonlight - trying my best to get a moonburn on one of the lounge chairs listening to the band. I couldn't understand why someone, on a Friday night, would want to leave the company of a live band (who was pretty good), the quarter moon, the sound of the waves lapping at the boats tied up nearby, the glow of the pool, the service of the waiters in the cool breeze of a Florida evening. I just didn't get it. Search me. I have to get up early this morning, too, but SERIOUSLY! NOTHING is that important. If it is you don't have your priorities in order.

So when I finally peeled myself out of that lounge chair I meandered down 19 Alternate (which runs down the Gulf Coast) and stopped by (first) Edgewater to walk the pier and cry. I do this frequently; both walk the piers and cry. LOL I talk to the water and tell it my dreams and how soon I will see it. This time I could tell it it would be really soon. :) I'd found my scuba shop and I now knew it was going to be REALLY soon. I stopped to think about that for a moment... I've been here a bit over 2 months, and as impatient as I am I have found a scuba shop. That's bloody ridiculous. OH - I'M SORRY. I didn't find them - they found me. Well, pretty much.

Anyway, I dried my tears, got back in the car, and continued down 19 Alternate to Sunset Point - my street. Well, basically my street. I live right off of it - you probably can't find my street on a map to save your life. It DID take the U.S. Postal Service an entire MONTH to find me, after all. I pulled off at 19 and Sunset Point to a lookout on the Gulf and sat and looked at Clearwater Beach across the bay for a few minutes. I still can't believe I live here. I wake up every day to this ridiculous noise of Highway 19 - the deadliest road in Florida - a sound I have grown to love (how nuts is that???), I hear the whirl of my ceiling fan in the background (because it is now cool enough to leave the windows and doors open and cool the apartment with the fans only), I hear the birds, the frogs, the crickets, the occasional emergency siren, noisy neighbors, and endless other noise pollution and I know I am in paradise. Frankly, the apartment that I lived in in Greensboro which was situated in the middle of a protected National Park was FAR MORE QUIET than where I live now.

So why do I go to sleep and wake up knowing I am in the paradise I never want to leave for the rest of my life??? It makes me laugh! I can't smell the salt water from here, I can't see it from here, I can't smell fish from here, I have some palm trees around but no mangroves and CERTAINLY no manatees. But I am home. Wherever I am in this silly place, as long as I'm within spitting distance of the beach I'm home. And trust me, that "spitting distance" is getting shorter and shorter every day. LOL

The gratitude I am feeling is overwhelming and, at times, feels like one of those waves that will overtake you when you're in about waist deep. I get angry at times for staying in Greensboro for so long. I feel like I wasted so much time. I felt so lost and I felt like Greensboro was the center of the Universe and I was such a nobody. That is how I know that it was not very good for me. The center of the Universe should never feel like it is on Earth. It isn't. I now feel like I am balanced, and the Earth and the Universe are balanced around me. I believe THAT is what the world should feel like. When we begin to feel like we are the center of the Universe, or someone near to us is (like when your Father is dying) then we should realize that our world is out of balance; because - as stands to reason, it is.

I am still a bit peeved at Greensboro, but I will forgive. I always do. I simply couldn't get here any quicker. It wasn't within the realm of possibility. However, if you are reading this and you have any of the above-mentioned symptoms, or you feel the least bit unhappy where you are, GET THE FUCK OUT AND RUN TO THE PLACE THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. You will never be sorry you did. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

The New Scuba Meetup

What's the next great thing that the Universe has in store for moi? Getting wet. Scuba, here I come. I had joined a scuba meetup and was really underwhelmed with them for different reasons. But Wednesday night there was another one I joined that was holding their monthly meeting just up the road a tad so I attended and was pleased with what I found.

First of all, there was a woman running the meeting. This is no small deal. Being a woman that was taught by Navy divers over 20 years ago I know how hard it is to break into the dive business. Most of the men in power still don't think women should be in the business of diving, and I remember how I had to do everything twice as good to get the same grade as the men.

Second, there were TONS of announcements about how many dives were coming up. This place and that place and here and there. I had NO idea where they were, but that's no surprise; the point is the opportunity is there for me to go and learn where they are. WOO HOO!!!

Third, there was an announcement about an archaeological dive class coming up that you can walk away with a certification as an Underwater Archaeologist Mapper (or some minor classification). Not bad for a couple day's work and $75 bucks. Think of the fun things I could do with that!!! And I just happen to have the refund from my Greensboro apartment eating a hole in my pocket waiting to be used for something special... I think I've found it! :D

Fourth, they had a speaker from a manufacturer that brought some really cool play toys to learn about and play with. Always fun.

Fifth, at the end of the meeting as I was introducing myself to the organizer and the other "important" people they began to understand I was an instructor. There was a sudden hush in the room and an exchange of looks. The organizer looks at me and says, "Are you looking for a job?" I'm like, "Huh?" LOL It turns out the co-organizer at another dive shop is looking for another instructor to help out. I'm dumbfounded. How is it that people doubt the Universe when stuff like this happens?

The reality of the situation is that I've been absent from instructing so long that I would have to take another IDC (Instructor Development Course) and IE (Instructor Exam) plus get my insurance back up to current. So (ballpark) we're talking about $3,000 give or take. I simply don't have that kind of money. BUT I could play divemaster for him, which covers almost the same responsibilities without the cost for about $130. Now THAT I could probably swing. It would hurt, but if you don't tell my creditors I won't either. :/

Diving is such a funny business... You pay all this money to volunteer to pay more money to dive. Nuts, isn't it. So, yes, I'd be paying money to be insured to be able to pay to fill my air tank and fill my gas tank to take trips to fill my air tank even MORE to help certify little tiny baby squids (what we call new students) so they don't die and can learn the wonder of scuba diving and help us save the oceans - because most of them become automatic ecologists. Did that make any sense? Eh....

I am THRILLED at finding this meetup. What an opportunity to get back in the water, work with students again, and - oh yes, spend more money I don't have. LOL Oh, wait though... there were a couple of really cute guys there, though. ;)

Merry Me, Not Contrary

Oh what a wonderful day! The good news I got today has set me free. The sky was blue, the moon was AMAZING! - one of those little fingernail moons that was going down just as I was getting home from Tampa. It was white when I first saw it, and by the time I got home it was orange. SO BEAUTIFUL!

I want to pop a cork on some champagne! I have dodged a bullet so big I'm going to celebrate until - well, my whole life. Literally. I've been given a second chance to do things I thought I wouldn't get to do. My life just gets better and better. I don't know what I did to deserve the gifts I've been given, but I am grateful beyond what words can describe. I am envisioning things I dared not envision a year ago. I am practicing the Law of Attraction better than ever, and truly great things are going to happen in my life - hell, ARE happening in my life.

Now if I could just decide whether to get a cat or not. LOL

10/10/10 - Eighteen Years

...probably because I'm back in Florida.

You know what? It's all good. I just can't dwell on the negative. I'm too happy now. And that just makes me feel happier. :)

Dreams will come true. 50.

Bye-bye Boxes

I am such a happy camper! I have unloaded every single box from my move. OK, so it took me six weeks... I don't care. Besides, I went days on end without working on them. Life HAS to be more than unloading boxes. LOL

All that aside, it is so AWESOME to have them gone. I am still throwing things away, putting things in order, loading (other) boxes and putting them downstairs until I decide what to do with them (my personal storage unit is right underneath my apartment - I LOVE this apartment complex. They have a great setup and really thought through a lot of common problems that haunt apartment dwellers). It is so cool to see my hardwood floors and beautiful dark cocoa carpet. Who knew I'd like the browns and sandy colors in this place? I thought I'd have reservations about decorating with them, but they are fitting right in. LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!

The size of my laundry room is amazing! So much room for storage and run-over from the bathroom. The bathroom is big but only has one very small cabinet. I had to add a bookcase from IKEA - one that doesn't look like a bookcase but more like a "show-unit" - to have enough room for my "girlie" stuff. Obviously the space was designed by a man. LOL The odd thing is that there was PLENTY OF ROOM for a bookcase in the bathroom. Impressive, huh? The lines are clean and modern, and of course I decorated it in purple (and teal) and sea shells. :)

The kitchen is really looking good. My cobalt blue accessories, cobalt blue canisters, cobalt blue Kitchen-Aid mixer, black and purple grape hanging rack and accessories, and the other fruity/cobalt blue things looks fantastic. And I was able to forgo the cost of a rug by using my old bathroom rugs (which don't look old at all) for now. They look great on the hardwood floor.

The dining room is incomplete because the base to my dining room table is still up in storage in Greensboro. But the hutch with my dishes in it, the etagere with my special things, and the two huge purple dining room chairs are looking fantastic in there.

I still need to find places for all my books. I am alarmed by how old fashioned I am at times. I love books and don't really know how to give them up. I can't afford any of the new technology to replace them, and I'm not sure I would even if I could. I like the sturdiness of a book, and I don't want to stare at some kind of screen to read. That's not my idea of relaxation.

I am still missing one of my papasan chairs. It rests as the crown in my storage unit in G'boro. LOL I need to buy one more besides that one, so there is plenty still in progress.

The bedroom is the last room to be done. It's pretty much a mess still. But with my vow of celibacy it's no real big deal... it's not like anyone is going to see it anytime soon. LOL It is hard to find the clothes I want to wear, though. HA! The joke's on me!

I still have to tweak the feng shui around here and that will take some time, especially when all my pictures and quite a bit of my decor accessories are still in Greensboro. I need to get that started, though, because it will help iron out the life bumps I'm experiencing right now. Everytime I get the feng shui right in a corner of my "life" it improves. So that is high on my agenda.

It feels good to be free of those damn boxes. Mayhem has exited, order is eminent. I must remember though, as I recently told a friend of mine, "Life is a journey, not a destination." There will always be something to add, subtract, improve, throw away, give away... such is the adventure and excitement of growing and learning. I hope to never stop looking around and seeing what can change and improve.

The Sockaroon

I've got about 5 blogs I haven't been able to get my thoughts to gel on yet so they're not posted. This one, though, I'm gonna knock out in just a few minutes or so.

I am still getting books and knick-knacks and stuff in the bookcases. I'm hurting so badly... physically, I mean. Ugh. I can only work so fast right now and I can't possibly work on the apartment 24/7, though I'd like to. So here I am putting stuff up, and I saw a journal from several years back when I was living in DC. I was complaining about one thing or another, making a list of things that I knew to be the truth. The second item on the list was this:

"2) I have a very sweet kitty."

I immediately thought back to the time this was happening. My father died 11 months later so this was a very difficult time for me. I was helping Mary take care of Dad and living in a house in DC with 2 roommates; one of which was seriously certifiable. I was so broke that I didn't have enough money to buy food for Socks. So we split the food I ate. I was sure to buy things that he could eat, too. I lived in one bedroom and had kitchen privileges [OMG - the memories make me cringe...] and Socks and I seldom left the bedroom because it was so awful. When I left the house I had to lock him in the bedroom. Whenever I did have my door open he would sit on the bed, stare out my bedroom door, and guard me. He watched out for me, as I had watched out for him when I was married to Michael.

That cat and I were the best of friends. I talked to him constantly and he would talk back when he had something to say. He let me know by the tone of his meows what he needed, and he traveled with me to Oklahoma, between Greensboro and Dave's and Dad & Mary's house in the DC area, and even down to Alabama once. I cancelled an entire week of activities when he dislocated his hip (including a very important Women's convention in Charlotte) to nurse him back to being able to walk. He was my son in every sense of the word except biologically, and in a very real way my comrade in arms during my marriage.

I'm lonely. I miss having someone around to talk to, to entertain, and to entertain me. We would play "knock the thing off the bathroom counter". It cracked me up and he loved it. He would hide under tables and attack my ankles when I walked by. He LOVED headbutts. He enjoyed walking across the keyboard when I was typing. And at bedtime he would walk up to my computer chair late at night and sit and look up at me. I'd look down and he would say, "Mom, time to go to bed. I'm tired." Well, that's what his eyes would say. He had the sweetest eyes I ever saw.

I still cry - often. I loved that cat for 17 1/2 years. I got him AFTER I retired so I was with him night and day. And it's not like he went off to kindergarten and grade school and high school. I was with him day in - day out, 24/7. I would call him when I went on vacation and demand that Michael put the phone up to his ear so I could talk to him. OK, so I was a little neurotic. Sue me. He'd always talk back and his ears would perk up.

I want another cat but I don't know if I can take the pain of loving and losing again. Loving something - or someone - feels like nothing else on Earth. The highs are amazing. The lows are as low as humans get. It's putting yourself out there and knowing that at some point this person is going to let you down and hurt you. You have to be strong enough, and love that person enough, to be able to get through that... and then live to love them again. A great deal of my life has been about loss; 2 cars in car accidents, my health, my teeth, my ability to walk for awhile, my independence for awhile, my hair (now), my job, my ability to make money at all, my Dad, my Step-Dad... people really are taken back when I tell them some of the things I've been through. And I thought most people had been through this stuff. Silly me.

I don't know if I have it in me to love another cat. That cat may have been my soul mate - as cats go. And what if I do get another cat? Then I'm tied down again if I want to travel - and I LOVE to travel - not that I have the money to do that right now. I don't mind being alone, but right now I'm lonely. I need... patience, I guess. That's what everyone tells me, anyway. I've dated off and on since I moved to Greensboro, but only a handful of men - say 6. Six men in 6 years??? And only two of them I am still in touch with because they were the only two that measure up to my standards. Nothing to brag about, huh. Although I'm not in touch with all the men I would like to still be in touch with from, say DC, I'm still in touch with a lot of them. I am very proud of that fact. Somewhere in here is a nice person that quality people liked. I don't know what happened to her. But no one of any quality has come along lately. That, or I am not who I used to be. Maybe part of her died when Daddy did. I don't know. But men go running in the opposite direction after they get past my looks - or they seem to. I wish I knew what signal I was giving off that makes me so undesirable. I know it's me because if it wasn't I'd be dating someone. People don't go through dry spells like this without there being a reason. I am working on looking for that reason.

I am so very grateful that at least I am in Florida where I can live happily ever after by myself. I can run to the beach now, and the beach makes me happy. Like I've said before, if nothing else good ever happens to me again at least I have the beach.

My girlfriend Wen Li, from China - well, originally from China - who lives in Greensboro, Vegas, and Naples, FL right now (she's in real estate) is coming to see me on Saturday. I am very excited about it. She has the means to travel and I am lucky to be able to see her and have her so close at times (Naples is about 3 hours away). I gotta get back to work getting this place finished.

I have a lot of thinking still to do on the cat front. Yes, no, yes, no - I go back and forth. It would take money that I don't really have right now, so I wouldn't do it immediately. We'll see. All my friends think I should get one, though. Even Mom does.

All I know is that Sockaroonie is still with me sometimes. He visits, like Dad does, except Socks follows me around the house and curls up and sleeps with me. Dad doesn't do that. Dad floats.

9/28/10, 2 AM Beach Time

The ocean was angry tonight. I am not often scared by the water; usually I find peace there. But tonight as I walked towards the beach it took my breath away. It was overwhelming, you could feel it in the air. I kept having to gulp in for air. It was like looking up at The Empire State Building and trying to not get dizzy.

The walk across the beach was longer than usual. I even walked quicker than usual because I was so mad. We were both really pissed - me and the ocean. I walked straight into the surf up to my shins and immediately noticed a problem. The sand under the surf was riddled with shells. That's just not normal at Clearwater Beach. The sand there is unbelievably fine, and it's that way pretty far out into the safe area. And you know how you can count the waves to see how many waves are inbetween the big ones? It's usually like 9 or 13 waves inbetween the big wave. Tonight the big waves were coming in every-other-one, then every three, alternating between the two. It was very odd. The surf got so rough I had to get out of it. Shells kept hitting my legs. So I backed out up to my ankles. The waves were so high I still got my shorts wet.

The beach was deserted. Not a surprise - summer is over and season hasn't started yet. I'm glad there was no one there because I needed to yell at God - and I did. I was so angry tonight. I miss having someone to confide in, someone that loves me, someone to snuggle with, someone that knows the meaning of intimacy, a man that is grown-up. It may be a hard bill to fill but that's what I want. And because I don't have one yet - I thought I had married it but I was wrong - I get pissed. Then occasionally it gets SHOVED IN MY FACE. That always feels good. Brings all the hurt, anger, longing, oh hell, pick an adjective.

I think the ocean is angry because of the weather low sitting offshore. I know at times a hurricane that is 500 miles offshore can make the undertow really bad, so it stands to reason that a low could do that to the surf. I know what stirred me up, and with my trip to the beach and unloading on my blog I feel a bit better. Maybe both of us girls will be back to normal in a few days.

Night Sky At Ocean's Edge

On Sunday I received an e-mail from a friend wanting to hear my interpretation of the beach at night. I knew immediately which evening I wanted to visualize for her. It may not make any sense to say it that way but that is exactly what I did in my mind. It was a memorable night for me and I explained it the best I could. I asked her if I could share it with you guys and she was good with that. Here it is, unedited, for what it's worth.

"Oh Jackie -

I'm so glad you're having a good day. This is a tough day for me. I was supposed to go kayaking this morning and I am having a lupus day. My joints and my skin are on fire - probably from the rain you are enjoying so much. :) That front that won't move and is sitting just offshore of the East coast is probably responsible. I was going to be able to see manatees for the first time. I am just devastated. Still, I know this occasionally happens to me even though I am really good at staying well and healing myself. I'll have another chance to kayak and see my manatees.

I can so easily tell you how incredible it is to stand in the surf at Clearwater Beach and look around. One night when I drove over about midnight it was a bit overcast and there were a lot of thunderheads in the sky. I walked into the surf up to my knees and just stood there. I love sitting on the beach and just listening, but if I am going to the beach for a reason - to clear my head, to figure out a problem, to lighten a mood, forget about some stupidity - I have to be in touch with the water. Since it was nighttime I didn't want to walk all the way into the water because you can't be seen, so I just waded in. As you may know, salt water is nature's anti-depressant. Decades ago all sanitariums and spas were at the beach because of the negative ions in the air and the salt water that was readily available. That's why many people still bathe with bath salts. The natural boost to the mood is unmistakable. As a Pisces I have always made my best decisions in the shower. LOL That's why I felt so compelled to move to Florida - water is my element.

So that night as I stood in the surf I looked up and noticed the clouds moving somewhat quicker than usual. They were slowly but surely beginning to form a huge circle around me. I mean a humongous, gigantic circle - probably 50 miles wide, with a kind of a void in the middle. They just magically started forming... an arc, a half-circle, then all around me; the bottom of the circle being right where I was standing on the beach. The sky was a dark, dark blue. The darkest blue I'd ever seen. The clouds were different shades of blue; from a light grayish blue all the way to white wisps. You could see the wisps because the lights from the hotels bounced off them and made them visible. Personally, I don't mind all the hotels on the beach. It makes it somewhat friendlier at times. I don't have a lot of friends yet, and I like being around people - even if I don't know them. Besides, if I want to go somewhere without hotels and people I can easily do that, too. There are plenty of beaches, turnouts, and hidden islands you can get to away from the lights and people. Have I mentioned how much I love Florida?

So there I am, surrounded by water and boiling clouds. The clouds with their kaleidescope of colors were turning over and over in their circle, rolling within this ring, while the middle remained that dark, dark, bluish black. It spoke to me, almost audibly, that the Universe had things well in hand and all I really had to do was be prepared for the best things yet to come in my life. I don't know how long I stood there; 45 minutes? I was mesmerized and in awe of the show I was being given. I didn't have my camera (I now try to make sure I ALWAYS have my camera) (speaking of which have you checked out my photos on FB? I have finally posted some), so I don't have any pics of what those clouds looked like. But I promised myself I was going to remember exactly how those clouds looked and paint a picture of them. There was a meaning behind those clouds (to me, at least) and I wanted to remember them AND THE MEANING. I haven't painted the picture yet, but I will. I won't ever forget how they looked. The clouds never changed. They just continued to boil and turn over and over, keeping the "eye" open, kinda like a hurricane. It was amazing.

Have you ever felt the sand down here? The beaches in Florida make the top 10 beaches in the world for a reason: The sand feels like baby powder under your feet. I remember the first time I walked on it. It was about 10 years ago... it was at night and the feeling is nothing short of orgasmic! It's like a foot massage, quite erotic. You can't quite make out the grains of sand, it's that soft. As you get further out in the surf it gets a bit rocky, but walking the beach is simply amazing. I think some people call it sugar sand. I like the baby power metaphor, personally.

I hope this gives you some idea of why I drive the 8 miles to beach at all hours of the night. It isn't always so dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. I get something from it each time. It puts life in perspective, kinda like seeing the mountains, or the desert. I wish more people realized what beauty and strength surrounded them. They might be more apt to live a better life if they realized they were really a gnat on the back of an incredible environmental chain.

All my best to you, dear friend. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you, and for letting me again feel the gratitude I have for being here. I have so many people that have helped me along the way to be able to have made this dream come true. Your support has impacted that dream and I thank you.

I may post this on my blog. It would be a good way to share with my other friends. I hope you wouldn't mind that. Let me know. I won't do that until I hear from you.

Take care -

Debi"

This Is Me

Gradually over the past several days it has come to me. And for the first time in my life I am seeing something clearer than I have ever seen it before. The Woman I am. The Woman in me. Suddenly I see the role I have played in many of the men's lives up to now and it is startling to me.

It seems, much to my amazement, that I have been the woman who men date right before they marry, then oddly stay in touch with, as if they regret moving on; or seem to wish they'd had the courage to keep dating me but something kept them from it. It's not always that cut and dried, and the circumstances don't always completely fit that mold. However, I seem to be the "alter-personality" or the "uber-woman" for many men I have known.

The pieces starting coming together as I began realizing that friends were catching up with me after my move to Florida. It's been kinda nice to talk to old friends because it feels good when when they want to know how I am. It is ALWAYS great to know that people are thinking of you. The thing that I have been able to put together though all this is the situation that most of these men are now in compared to where I currently am. And I make no real judgment here; I base this on the simple observation that actions and speech tend to be an accurate measurement of how happy people are. These men are married or attached to someone they: A) have cheated on with me (known or unknown to me), B) have discussed with me some sort of relationship problem they had or were having, C) were attached to when they had wondered aloud how it might have been had WE stayed together, D) any or all of the above.

I am divorced, single, and pretty happy with my life. I would like to find a significant other to add in, but I think that will happen when I am ready. And as much as I would like to be ready I don't think I am yet. I really don't think I am ready to trust again, much less give the love back in full measure the same way I want to receive it. Maybe I'll never be ready. Maybe it's just something that happens when you meet the right one. I just don't know. But I have strayed off the subject.

When these enlightening thoughts came to me this week I was completely overwhelmed. I was ashamed at the fact that no man, it seemed, would ever see me as more than a stop along the way. Then I took a second look. Is it maybe that I am too good to be true? Some guys have put it just that way to me. "So what are YOU doing here?" "So what's wrong with you that you're not taken?" "Why hasn't somebody snatched you up?" You know, insinuating that if you really were "all that" you would be married already; that there had to be some fundamental flaw because I seemed so perfect. I don't know. Maybe there is. I'm just me, so what do I know?

So which is it? Trash? Or Treasure? Is there something really wrong with me? Or do men have no guts to think that there might be the possibility of having the perfect friend, lover, or whatever it is they're searching for - that perfect companion - in me? Or has society finally made companionship obsolete? There's no need for it. With dating as it is these days - it's all done in groups anyway - who needs companions for life? We can all live alone and date in groups as we need to, then "couple off" as necessary for those biological things that people do.... Hey, I've thought about that myself. Why would I want to strap on another man to my life? There's safety in numbers. So to speak.

I guess the fact is that I want to be special to someone. I deserve it. I am an incredible person. I don't usually let people see that because I chat and talk and hide behind my jabber. I cover up my beauty with intellect and verbosity and talk of my illness in hopes of people finding me disgusting and shallow so I'll not have to deal with being vulnerable to anyone. Sometimes that backfires, like it did with the only man I really liked in Greensboro. Serves me right. I got out alive and he never saw through me - but everything became very clear to me. I learned a lot in that little petri-dish of an apartment of his.

So. I guess this is who I am. Posting this is probably one huge, gigantic mistake. Open ribs, spread them, cut open heart. Nah. This is what I'm here for. Somewhere in here is my mission. This curse for openness is the blessing for someone else. And maybe, in the fullness of time, back around as a blessing for me.

Typical Debi Fashion

In typical Debi fashion lately I seem to be paying more attention to other people's lives than mine. Maybe this is a defense mechanism for me. It is a little too painful right now to deal with some of my reality. The loneliness (not being alone, being lonely), how badly I'm feeling physically (although with all the sleep I got last week I am feeling better), feeling so grumpy - which I think is a direct product of not having anyone to verbally talk to, being surrounded by boxes and not having the things I need to unpack them completely due to the idiocy of the guys that loaded Lily Pod, living without things like silverware, a dining room table, MY BREADMAKER! (WHO KNEW?)... All these things are making me want to run from my reality, so I look for things to run to. Fortunately, or not, I have an entire other world on Facebook, so I hang out there. That enables me (the operative term being "enables") to ignore my current plight and help others with their problems and delight in their joys. I'm not saying my feelings aren't genuine when sharing them with my friends on Facebook; they most certainly are. I think, though, that I should probably be addressing my problem of going to Greensboro and collecting the rest of my belongings, and attending my Meetups more frequently to get me out of the house rather than escaping onto Facebook to get away from my reality. Escape from reality too often is a bad thing - for me, at least.

Daytime Robbery at Clearwater Beach

I went to the beach today. FINALLY! I got up late, mostly because I went to bed early. I got my Mom's china unpacked last night. OK, it's my china now, but you get the idea. There are so many friggin boxes in the place. I'm throwing out stuff but JUDAS PRIEST. Sorry, I digress.

So, beach day. I made a sandwich (peanut butter, and I always blend my peanut butter with honey before putting it back in the jar because the organic peanut butter is sometimes a little bitter), and packed several frozen Gatorades. I tracked down a towel or two (THAT took the longest!), picked up a Starbucks and headed West on Gulf-to-Bay. Weird that it's West and not East. LOL I got there, got wet, and noticed the water was actually COLD. I guess the rain last week cooled the water off. I actually got chilled later in the evening getting out of the water.

I hadn't eaten since I got up so I decided to get my sandwich out. I opened the zip bag and took a bite of the half I got out and noticed that I was surrounded by seagulls, and they were VERY interested in my food. Suddenly, from behind me a seagull grabbed my sandwich FROM MY HAND and flew off with it. RIGHT OUT OF MY BLOODY HAND! I got one bite and it was gone! I screamed... and I felt really silly for screaming. And even sillier for trying to eat a sandwich surrounded by dozens (YES, DOZENS) of seagulls. I didn't realize that one of those stupid rats with wings would actually walk up behind me and steal it from my hand. I probably should have thought of this, considering just this week I've seen a YouTube video of a seagull casually walking into a convenience store and stealing Doritos. What a dummy.

The entire rest of the afternoon and evening I had to put up with a "feathered friend" watching closely in case I ate anything else. He stood guard about 5 feet away. Sometimes sitting, sometimes standing. I gave him the evil eye all afternoon. I even told him how angry I was with him. He wouldn't leave. He casually looked over occasionally, pretending he was just hanging about as seagulls do. But I knew better. He had guilt written all over his little top feathers.

As the sun began to set I started seeing dark spots appear and disappear on the ocean. LOL I quickly realized it was a pod of dolphin heading South, no doubt looking for dinner. I asked the couple next to me if they saw them and they had. Then, unbelievably, I squealed with joy. I need to put "growing up" on my agenda. How embarrassing.

A Dad Visit

I had a Dad visit today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm crazy. I'm nuts. So go read the next blog on your list. Better yet, go read about Quantum Physics and catch up with the world. IT'S SCIENCE, NOT WITCHCRAFT OR MAKE BELIEVE. GOOGLE IT.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood. Kinda feels good for a change. LMAO That's funny stuff. I really hate being in a bad mood. It just feels good to get the feelings down on pap... well, in virtual world. I've had several meltdowns today; meltdowns like I had while moving. Big tears, no breathing, big heaves. I don't have a lot to be sad about, there's just a lot of gravity to the subject.

Just when I was thinking my most desperate thoughts Dad came and said it was going to be OK. What was coming was going to be exquisite and wonderful. (Where the hell did I get the word "exquisite"? I don't use that kind of language; that MUST have come from Dad.) That's how I tell it's him... stuff like that. I stopped crying and that's when I realized it was Dad. It's so weird; I simply can't come up with anymore tears. That "urge" to cry goes away. It's the damnedest thing. And "exquisite". I don't use that word. Ever. It's that stuff that makes me know it's not me "IMAGINING" that it's Dad, I KNOW it's Dad.

No, you don't have to believe. It's enough that I do. And I'm sure many of you have actually had similar experiences that you may or may not have shared with others. I share them because I totally believe, and it may give someone else the courage to share, too. The Universe is always watching out for me, and so is my Father.

It's so funny. When I dream about Dad and other people are with us (other than the immediate family) we have to pretend that he didn't die and come back to life. Yes, folks, in my dreams my Dad died and came back to life and lives with us. I don't know if this is because of the message and the last thing he said to me and the gold aura I have, or because he turned into a guru for so many people as he died. They would literally sit at his feet and listen to him talk about life. And death. He was an amazing man and I was lucky to know him at all, much less have him for a Dad. I chose well. ;)

Today happens to be the 58th anniversary of my Dad and Mom's wedding. LOL Of course, we all know they didn't make it this far. In fact, as odd as this is, Mary and Dad were married longer than Mom and Dad were. However, I think there was a reason for that. Us three kids got to watch the continuation of a friendship that defied the odds. Mom and Dad held hands through my wedding. Momma and Tex would go visit Mary and Dad, and vice versa. They were all good friends and got along great. It's amazing what can happen when you decide to be an adult. I know, and I think my step-mom agrees, that my Mother became a Widow on the day my Dad died every bit as much as my step-mom did.

Did I mention I chose the best family? I am the luckiest girl in the world. And if anyone else says they are, they're lying.

Re-thought inevitable thoughts

Editor's note: Wow - it WAS a rough day yesterday. This post didn't even make sense. For your dining and dancing pleasure I have edited it and hope it comes together a little better. It's mostly for my benefit, but ca va (my small bit of conversational French, with the obligatory punctuation missing).

My first rough day... I know part of it is because I've gone without sunshine for a week! A big reason why I moved down here is because I have a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder which I inherited from my Father. I just don't do well without sunshine, and it's the rainy season here in sunny Florida. I mean, no less than 7 days of rain. I have literally begun to put my bathing suit on and it starts to pour. Or I hear the thunder (which occasionally I think is an accident over on Highway 19 - which if I were to throw a rock I could hit if I tried hard enough). There was actually a one-car accident last night (not far up from here) but I didn't hear it - thank goodness. For those of you that don't know, squealing tires and highway noises are an issue for me because I've been in two major accidents, both of which I was injured in, one of which totaled my car and activated the sleeping Lupus gene.

So, besides the lack of sun, I'm choosing to mourn a friend I left behind in Greensboro. Ha. A friend. Who knows. Nonetheless, someone I treasured in my heart. It's funny about leaving places; you usually get blamed for everything bad that happened in every relationship, group, work situation, etc., that you were a part of. My ears have been burning since I arrived. LOL I've been kept up-to-date on the gossip, unfortunately. And that, in itself, is a huge part of why I left that place - I couldn't get past how small a town it was, and how "small" so many of the people were. It was worse than high school, because I don't remember any of my friends being that catty. Unless it was me. I never want to assume that I was as nice as I think I was. Someone out there might think I was Genghis Khan. But I digress. Back to small people with small minds.

I don't want people in my business, and frankly, unless they are my very close friend I don't care about theirs. Talking about people behind their back can blow up in your face and hurt all sorts of people. We all do it, but some do it for reasons of working out a social problem with a person you hang out with (such as I do with a close girlfriend), and other do it with a hidden agenda in mind. That kind of gossip damages people and I've been one if the victims in the past. THEN, when I "get caught up" or asked about my sweet friend it makes it that much harder to disconnect. Yes, I want to stay in touch. I have had feelings for a long time now. But I don't know how healthy that is. All I know is I left that little "boro" for a plethora of reasons, all intertwined and valid and good. I wasn't running from anything, I made sure of that. But there's nothing wrong with one of the benefits of that move being putting some space between you and a relationship that has been hard to understand and deal with. It is difficult to decide whether to keep in touch with friends in a relationship that can be painful, or cut all ties and have your soul in pain for months.

Above all else I believe life is supposed to be easy; relatively simple. WE make it complicated. Ever since I found out I had lupus I have built my life around keeping it low maintenance and low stress. I can't expect to have all the answers about how to live down here yet. But I hadn't expected to still be in this pain AND be missing Dad this much right now. And this DAMN RAIN. Crap. I am still working on this. I have no words of wisdom right now.

Maybe my friend will still want to stay in touch. I just don't know. But until I know I must assume that because I have moved away it is all over and done. I am so sad about it. So sad. So sad.

Who Is This Woman?

Lily Pod arrived yesterday and was unloaded today. Thus, my house is full of familiar furniture and boxes. The boxes aren't familiar, just the furniture. I still have a lot of stuff to throw out, "pare down" being the more delicate term, and I can't wait to get started with that - seriously. Although the Judge in my divorce was pretty fair in awarding "things", I now feel that I just got stuck with stuff I didn't want bought by a man out of control in a marriage that was way past healthy. When I made my exit I replaced things, added some, kept some. Over the years as I have healed and realized what I want my life to be about I have decided to get rid of a lot of it. Now, all of a sudden, I can't seem to get rid of enough. I keep going back through the house in areas I swear I thought I was finished with discarding more and more "stuff". Some I intend to sell (like my entire set of china from when I was married), and some it going to Goodwill. Some isn't the worth the time it takes to throw out. I already have a blog in the works for a redux about what I can and can't live without, now that I have been living without most everything for about two weeks. It has been an interesting experience.

What I find most interesting about today - the day my house is again full of my "things" is that the old Debi would be immediately diving in; unloading boxes, filling cabinets, going through kitchen items and throwing out those things I don't want anymore. But what is this "New Debi" doing? This New Debi that has emerged from this spiritual growth period she's been through for the past couple of years? First, she took a nap. Always a good beginning. NEVER do anything when you're exhausted. The world seems like such an ugly place when you're tired. Second, I called a friend to let her know I was still alive and kicking and deliriously happy in Florida. Third? After I finish this blog (no, I'm not on my computer yet - I'm in the business center. Apparently the wheels of the cable company in this town turn V.E.R.Y. slowly) I'm headed out the door behind me to the the pool I am at this moment staring at. I thought of driving the 6 miles to the beach but I really do want to get some boxes unloaded this evening, so I don't want to take that much time today. From what I understand the beach will be there tomorrow, too. Or later tonight, even. It's a 24/7 attraction. I've even found my own little piece of beach I like. It's right by a kayak rental. :) But I digress.

Who is this new woman that isn't out of shear guilt tearing through boxes to make things absolutely perfect the first minute she can? Who is this woman who is putting her happiness first and letting things fall where they may? I sure hope she stays around. I'm not saying I'm going to let things go, or that I'm giving up perfection. But it used to be an either/or directive. It isn't anymore. There has to be a balance in my life now. No, there IS a balance in my life. Well, maybe "has" is an OK word. Because without that balance I go back to the Old Debi. And I never did like her that much. She was uptight, unhappy, and a whole lot of other "u's".

This blog really is my journal. Boy, do I have a lot of journalling to catch up on. I need my computer back.

OMG I missed you guys!

That may be an odd title my first blog back from my move but I have thought a lot about my friends, especially you guys - the ones I expect to help keep me honest, spiritually centered, and humble.

I am in my new apartment complex's business center that, until only moments ago, was quiet and calm. It is now a bit less than that because the TV (yes, there is a TV in the business center for the kids to watch, I guess, while their parents use the computers???) has just been switched on. However, a sweet little girl (with no parent in sight) asked if I wanted her to turn it down so I could concentrate and I told her that would be very nice. So at least I can still hear myself think.

So much has happened during this move. I moved about 7 times (I lost count) during my marriage to Michael. I did the moves alone because Michael was always already working at the new location (I think he did that on purpose - what do you think?) so I REALLY know how to do this schtick. I plan carefully, check and double-check with people. But this move has been a NIGHTMARE. Never have I had so many things go wrong, and so much unwanted, unsolicited advice from "friends" on what I should have done and what I could have done better (which, of course, I had already done anyway and was just too tired or didn't care enough to tell them that). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have come to the conclusion that most everyone I knew in Greensboro thought I was an idiot. All the more reason that I'm glad to be out of there. Never have I had more people call me a "friend" and disappear when the going got rough than when I was in Dallas and I got diagnosed with Lupus. Friends my ass. But, enough of that. Everyone knows friends disappear when you move. So be it. True friends are few and far between. It is a truly bright reflection on me that behavior of this type surprises me. I have been blessed with TRUE friendship because I give true friendship back. When people are honest with me about what is going on in their lives I suit up and show up if I am at all physically able. If I'm not physically able I think outside the box and get on the phone and make things happen. And, it is also true, that we don't want everyone to know how bad things are at times.

So it's not about the moving thing so much. It's really about Greensboro. It's this funny little town unto itself. As I talked about leaving town (and I think I referred to this in a prior blog) many people mentioned that they longed to get out of Greensboro, and many of the ones that mentioned it are now making plans to do just that. The South may be friendly but it is also a "clique". If you don't fit into that little "clique-ish" group you'd better be damn sure you're strong enough to fight them on your own, or get out. I fought it on my own for awhile, and found a group I fit with for a time, but life is about being happy, not about fighting a battle every time you go out in public. I knew a place where I would be happy because - save for a very troubled husband - I was deliriously happy there before.

GUESS WHAT? I am again happy! I haven't taken this shit-eating grin off my face since I got here. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday... that has to be expected I suppose. I still face several uphill battles, unfortunately. I am going to overcome them, but it will take some time and a lot of effort, and quite a bit of money. Those dumb movers didn't do their job correctly so I still have to figure out how to get about one quarter of my stuff to Florida, my cracked rib is MUCH better, thank you, I only have my storage unit in Greensboro until September 30th without paying more money, and many more issues. I will blog on all of it simply because it helps me come to terms with all of it. OH - and for my dear Loopies out there, the first woman I met at my first Singles Meetup has LUPUS! The Universe works in strange ways. And who cares about the guys that were there (they were all creeps anyway). I'm celibate now. Tune in next time! LOL

Love and Peace to you all.

Namaste

Thoughts Upon Being Compared to a Three-Year-Old

During "The Incident" several weeks ago (some of you may recall this, others of you - just go with this, OK?) I was reminded of the possibility of having ovarian cancer. This possibility is something I am handling well and am applying the Law of Attraction to - better than I ever applied to any issue before (except maybe my move to Florida), so I consider it a NON-issue now. However, at the time, it was thrown in my face (figuratively, of course) and it horrified me. I became very upset and the witness at that time compared me to a three-year-old.

After some thought on this subject I have decided that I should take such a comparison as a compliment. If I EVER begin to cover up my feelings as much as some people I am acquainted with then I wish to be put out of my misery. I have worked hard to keep my feelings on the surface rather than stuff them deep into my psyche, never to be seen until they "unexpectedly" boil over in a tirade aimed at someone I love, rather than taken out on the person they should have been calmly expressed to at the time. That is how three year old are (not to mention well-adjusted adults); they are usually happy, they tell people what they want when they want it, they are honest and open, and they cry (or at least let their feelings out) when they are unhappy or have been done wrong.

Golly! Sounds pretty healthy to me.

The Shout Out

While sitting on Clearwater Beach after finding my new home I thought of so many people in my life that I am grateful for:

My family has been unwavering in the support for me while trying to make this dream come true. They may have thought I was crazy half the time, but they supported me nonetheless. NEVER underestimate how much validation means to people. Individuals have to make their own mistakes; validation with love and nurturing care helps people fulfill their dreams and helps soften the fall if they don't. End of lecture.

My countless, wonderful friends came to mind while I sat there in that soft, baby-powder sand. Taz, your shout out was first. The echo I heard in the Universe was deafening, and happy. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought of my (almost lifetime) friend Lynette, with whom I had actually been on that beach with before. I thought of my old life in Tampa, I thought of all the supportive people in Greensboro that wanted to see me succeed in my efforts to move to Florida, and all my friends on Facebook that have done nothing less than kept me afloat and my spirits up during this emotional and difficult time. No one is luckier than I am, and if they say they are they MUST be lying.

I thought of the people right there in Clearwater that worked so hard those few days to help me find my new apartment. Robby, and the girls at the complex, were welcoming and made the process much easier for me.

I thought of my Spiritual Adviser, I thought of my daily Universal thoughts that have helped me get through this, I thought of Socks... he would love the new place. And Dad would be so happy for me.

My phone and my car didn't break until I got back from Florida, and for that I am truly grateful. If that had happened while I was still in Florida it would have been a mess, and so would I. LOL Thankfully I got home and was able to handle fixing the phone with the help of a dear friend, and I got the car out to the dealership without having to use a tow truck. Will wonders never cease? :)

To be continued...

Another Attitude of Gratitude

I've been crazy busy, so the blog has suffered. But I must say I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to take a moment to share it.

Many pieces of bad news have been coming my way lately. I have let it all get to me, without adding my usual positive spin to it. I can forgive myself for this; I am human. When the world continually pelts you with negativity the only way of overcoming it is with positive energy, and I really got in a funk for awhile. Even as I was in Florida finding my new home the bad news kept coming. Only after I found my new place and made a beeline for the beach did I realize what was happening. Sometimes we are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Sitting there in my pink beach chair (they didn't have a purple one), watching the sunset (THINK ABOUT IT - THE GULF COAST OF FLORIDA IS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES YOU CAN WATCH THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES), taking in dip in the 90 degree water (90 degrees F!), I finally relaxed and realized that nothing of the past few months really mattered - not even the bad health news. I set out to move to Florida in March of this year and by mid-August I will be living there. Being there on Clearwater Beach every single problem in my world dissipated. Peace surrounded me and turmoil ceased. My shoulders left my ears and I found them down around my chest again. I was back to where I was supposed to be - near the water where my spirit lives. I get my energy from being outside near water. There has never been enough of that for me in most of the places I have lived. There have been a few, but not for a long time.

The apartment I will be living in is the farthest from the beach that I looked at, but c'est la vie. So what? It's still closer than I am right now! LOL The thing I find interesting is that before I went to Florida to look for apartments EVERYONE seemed to ask me what the worst case scenario was if I moved down there. My answer was always the same: At least I will have the beach. When I got to the beach that afternoon I realized THAT WAS EVERYTHING. It's not the minimum, it's everything. Silly me. If I am lucky enough to have anything else positive happen in my life it will be icing on the cake.

I have moved up my move date YET AGAIN. So I am VERY STRESSED, but the Universe will work this out somehow. My job is to do what I can and be ready. I live in gratitude and faith. I am happier than I have been for months, and it is because I know I am, yet again, on the right path. I have weak moments, but my gratitude returns. I guess that is gratitude for gratitude. :D LOL

7/7/10 - A Good Day

My work for the day is FINALLY done. I am exhausted. My head is full of numbers and my soul is full of gratitude. My heart if halfway between overjoyed and heavy. This move is going to happen.

On a day when one of the most unhappy women I have ever known posted a photo of me that she probably thought would piss me off I have the date for my trip to go to Florida and rent my apartment planned, all the money is lined up to do it, the date is set and my POD reserved to move. I gotta tell you, it's kinda scary. Still, it's the right thing for me. Someone asked me the other day what the worst case scenario is; overall, it would be staying in Greensboro - I guess. Second worst case scenario? Living in Florida close to the beach, knowing no one, and picking up tar balls every day. That is one of my two dreams come true (the living in Florida part). All in all that's not bad. And I bet doing that I could meet some people interested in keeping the environment protected, at least. Who knows? That would help more dreams come true....

I want to continue to remember to turn away hate and wrath and passive aggression with love and understanding - and a sense of humor about myself. I also hope that I meet some people with values that are a bit closer to mine than what I have found here. Oh UuuuuuNIVERSE - here's my order. Fulfill that, please. Completion date must be by August 18th, 2010. Thanks.

Between This and That, or The Full Monty of Humiliation

The Moon was gorgeous tonight on the way home. OH - on the way home from my Singles Meetup group. Meetup.com - Google it. It was kinda hanging on the horizon, barely orange at just under three quarters. I really should pay more attention to my driving than nature. I'm just sayin'.

At my Singles Meetup tonight I was talking to a friend - whom I'm POSITIVE doesn't read this blog - and he said I looked good and that he had been missing me. I was so touched to hear that, and I told him so - quite sincerely. I don't take kind words like that lightly. People don't often say things like that to me. He could tell by the way I responded to his compliment that something was up. So I told him of my "incident" of two weeks (?) ago. I was finally able to come to some clarity on it and find words to describe my feelings on exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It's like this:

I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic. There are these things I am so familiar with about myself that I just HATE! This little flaw here, that HUGE flaw there. This personality quirk, the fact that I am THIS way instead of THAT way... and that I'm relatively sure people think she is prettier than I am - which is OK, but....

As a rule I really don't care what people think about me. I have grown to believe that as long as I am happy with myself and not hurting others I think I'm probably doing what the Universe expects of me. Granted, I do hurt others at times but I try to correct those situations as soon as possible. HOWEVER, when someone brings your faults to your attention, one by one, listing them out in great detail it is certainly a bit painful - well, to me at least.

This is exactly what happened in my little incident. I received - allegedly by accident - an e-mail from a guy that knew me pretty well, I'd say. This e-mail was intended for a friend of his, but "somehow" I was copied on it. Now. I know men - and women - talk openly of their conquests and problems in relationships; some much more than others. But this particular e-mail wasn't just listing funny little things I do; it listed those HUGE, PERSONAL FLAWS that I LOATHE in myself, and beat myself up about on those bad, insecure days. And that I pray to GOD no one else notices, or if they do they quickly forget about because... because of whatever reason.

I'd list these horrible qualities out for you so you'd know just how betrayed and humiliated I felt after reading the e-mail, but if I did that then you'd know my worst faults, fears, and shortcomings. Or maybe you already know since, apparently, they are incredibly blatant and obvious to even the most foolish of men. But, in this case, that wasn't enough humiliation for me. Oh, no. I had to be compared to a woman who happens to be the Ex-wife of a man I had been FB's with (we've been over this, folks - Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies) (whom I'm ALSO sure doesn't read this blog). Guess who won the comparison? Welllllllll, it wasn't me.

Wow! A Cherry for my Sundae! That makes my humiliation complete. So at the very least, (1) a man I thought at least liked me and (2) a perfect stranger he was writing to, know my inner-most fears and shortcomings. The betrayal was almost as perfect as the breakup of my marriage. Almost.

The honest truth is that some of it - not all of it - was true. One thing that was true is that I am old. That's a scary thing to me sometimes. Men don't like "old". I love my life but I get lonely. I'm a people person and I miss intimacy with people - YES, men, but also women. I've made stupid mistakes - like following a sociopath around the country for 11 years - leaving bits and pieces of my life behind - because I thought he was semi-normal and that he loved me. OOPS! I'm really bad at picking men - OBVIOUSLY. And I talk way too much sometimes because I'm trying to find a connection with people. Fortunately for me I get lucky occasionally and find forgiving people that I connect with and they put up with my chatter. At other times I just get hurt. That's the cost of doing business when you refuse to change. What's that saying?... Dance as if no one is looking, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you've never loved before, Live as if it were your last day on Earth. Eh - it's something like that. I don't always manage to accomplish that but I believe the principle is a good and worthy one to strive for. AGAIN - not to worry about what others think.

As I concluded my story for my friend tonight I told him I thought I was a stronger individual than how I reacted to having my "inventory" presented to me on a silver platter. It brought me so far down to my knees I had to leave town. For almost a week. I am still crying myself to sleep at the reality of the situation. Why it cut so deeply I really don't quite understand. But I will. And then it will be OK.

Why would I post this blog? How stupid am I to let even more people know of my plight? Honestly? I don't know. What I DO know is that when I share I touch people. One of my best friends bought a house today in Las Vegas because she got in touch with how unhappy she has been here in Greensboro for awhile now. I feel like I helped her get to those feelings, and she does, too. I feel good about that. I've helped another friend come to that point, also, and he is looking to move to Albuquerque. I've helped people get diagnosed with illnesses when they have been scared or didn't know they needed to go to the doctor. When I share it helps people, and that is part of why I am here, I think. I simply don't think the Universe wants me to be in business for myself only. Else - why bother learning? What would it be for in the end if not to help others? So I take a chance on sharing the innermost things sometimes. And I get hurt. Sometimes. Or not. Sometimes. Life is a journey - not a destination. Sometimes this adventure gets messy, but it's still fun and I'm happy.

Peace Without Action and The Law of Attraction

I have always admired a man who was in the DVD "The Secret" named Michael Beckwith. For those of you familiar with the DVD but not his name, he is the black man with the long, lovely braided hair. He always seemed like a loving, gentle, peacemonger, and I usually like these kinds of people.

Today on Facebook his status was, "We are not here to set things right, but to see things righty..."

OK, first of all, I must point out that I believe there is a typo in this statement. The last word in this statement is "righty". For it to make any sense at all there should be an "L" in the last word to make the word "rightly". Otherwise, as one of the more clever readers commented, the only acceptable response to this status is "But what if you're a lefty?"

If you agree with me and think that Bechwith did, indeed, mean to add the "L" in the last word, then I am interested in your opinion of this statement. On the surface it seems to make some people feel warm all over. Most of the comments on the status seemed to be saying things like "Oh, isn't that a wonderful thought", and "Amen", and "Beautiful!", and "Thank you!", and other such positive things. I can only assume that these people are lemmings, or more like lambs to the slaughter. They seem to have no critical thinking skills.

MY first reaction was, "WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" One sole voice was commenting in the negative, asking why we would only accept things as good, or "rightly" and not choose to feed the hungry or clothe the naked when we see those that are suffering. That seems like a reasonable question and one I was about to ask myself. The comments below that began to absolutely boggle my mind. For instance:

• "We need to learn not to see these things, then they will weaken and disappear from our reality.
• We do that best by appreciating things that are good, and right, and true, and beautiful etc."
• "I *THINK it's a matter of what you focus on; if you see things right (as you want them to be) and act from there, then you'll create that. If you're focused on setting them right, then you're coming from a place of them being wrong, with judgement and continue to create those things too. That's what I got form it.."
• "There is no such thing as right or wrong until you make a judgement . . . if you see things as they truly are, you will know what actions are appropriate."
• "Western culture has a very profound belief that if we're not unhappy about something, we won't try to change it (job, living situation, relationship, etc.) We can see the perfection in all that Is and still choose to act out of that simply because we want things to be different, rather than coming from a place of judgment - and this is a very difficult distinction for a lot of us. People who are coming from judgment and unhappiness are often less effective - at the very least, they're contributing negative energy to the world/situation, and at the most, they may avoid the situation altogether because it's just "too upsetting." We CAN simply want things to be different and act out of that, without being judgmental or unhappy about the way they are first. A question to ask is, "what am I afraid it would mean" or "what am I afraid would(n't) happen if I weren't unhappy about this situation?" We feel sad about certain things happening because we believe that makes us better, more sensitive people. If I weren't upset about this happening then it would mean I didn't care. Can we get to a place where we just trust our caring, that we WILL act on whatever is important to us anyway, and if we don't act, no matter how much we feel we "should", it just isn't that important, no matter how much we feel it "should" be."

If I may, I will start with the first one.
Really? REALLY? Things are going to be disappear if we don't see them? Then it must be true that if I close my eyes you can't see me! Who knew childhood games would come true when we turned into adults???

We see things rightly when we see things as good, right, true and beautiful? Does that mean we can't act on them? Why? I'm confused.

I'm taking on two of these together. In my humble opinion both of these are ABSOLUTELY wrong. When I try to "fix" (I abhor that word - can we go with "improve"?) things I am coming from a place of love for the people/things/animals I am trying to help, not NECESSARILY from a place of others being wrong, or me being better than them. That would be a "judgment" for someone else to make. By the way - when you judge something as "good" you are most certainly making a judgment, just as if you judge it "in need of improvement" or "peaceful". Things may or may not be neutral until we judge it, but society gives us an unconscious measurement and, to my way of thinking, that is an inescapable fact of life. Many of us think outside of the box, but many things are simply looked at as black and white, good or bad.

I begin to understand the last post I quoted here because I begin to agree with some of it. However, these people she starts out talking about are people I simply cannot identify with. I just don't think that way. I am an Activist, an Adventurer; and as I would LIKE to always be motivated by love (GASP! Could I be human?) I don't always. I tend to angry at injustice and pain. Those are negative thoughts, and the Law of Attraction does state that those thoughts will bring me negative things. But what kind of person does it make me if I turn my back on a drowning victim? Do I not think the negative thoughts of fear just because I am afraid I will bring negative, fearful thoughts on myself? I honestly don't know the answer but I know which action I have to take in order to be able to live with myself the next day. That's just who I am.

I will, however, try my damnedest to accept who you are. Tolerance in this world is at such a premium that it must be practiced at all costs. You don't have to like the person, but tolerance and acceptance is almost required. Try to improve things? Yes, but anger and negativity? No; I agree. Not if we can help it.

Do I practice what I preach? Oh hell no - not always. ;) But I'm getting better at it.

Women, History, Men, and Happiness

Geez - has it been that long since I blogged?

I'm so self-absorbed. The move; my recent VERY DISTURBING-UNCOMFORTABLE-UPSETTING incident; staying with my hugely 8 1/2-month pregnant cousin for longer than intended - by choice, of course... One had a lot to do with the other, actually.

You see, I have been almost completely friendless in Greensboro. It's been a beautiful place to live, and fulfilling in several ways, but not in the area of relationships. Most of the women I have met have been hypocrites or simple back-stabbers. Back-stabbers are almost better than hypocrites simply because at least you know where you stand with them. I never undervalue knowing where I stand with people.

JUDAS PRIEST, THOUGH! Some of these women act so insecure and passive/aggressive! WTF! They treat me like I'm the enemy. And I think that is what they think I am! I'm the competition. For WHAT I don't have a clue. Men? No. I didn't join the damn Meetup to meet men. I joined it to meet FRIENDS and have people to go do stuff with. It is bad form to date within such a small social group. That's kinda like pissing where you eat; biting the hand that feeds you; cutting off your nose to spite your face... Nah... I've gone off the deep end with the metaphors. Literary Festival concluded.

I've been so grateful for that Meetup, though. It has given me a reason to leave the house, other than the beach and doing laundry. I've seen movies I'd have never seen, eaten at restaurants I'd have never tried, and met several quality people I absolutely HAVE to stay in touch with after I move. And when push comes to shove I have no reason to complain. I am blessed beyond all reason. Some of these folks will never know joy, love, and personal empowerment like I do. They are just wonderful, sincere humans being who they are. I am proud to say I am finally down to earth enough to have learned to appreciate them for who they are. I think there may have been a time when I couldn't have done that, I don't know. But I can now and I am a better person for it.

It's this lack of girlfriends, though, that sent me running back to my cousin's house this week, luckily to find out that she is a true girlfriend in the real sense. The devastation of the thing that happened Thursday made me see I needed to get out of town and do some thinking to get my head on straight. It was SO the right thing to do! We had a wonderful time doing stuff - and not doing stuff. Loved being around a baby belly again; made me think of Anne and Rachael - Rachael being the little baby I (slightly) helped into the world on July 11th OH SO MANY years ago, and Anne being her single mother. Such wonderful memories for a woman who can't have children to be able to look back on. Pretty cool, huh? :) And to find out that I, for the first time since living in Dallas 20 years ago, had a place I could run away to and have a friend on the other end. It's so important to have that in life. Research shows it actually shortens your life without that kind of support. I'm so lucky.

That's it for tonight. GOD! I love to write. I also love to talk, damn it. I talk WAY TOO MUCH. Especially when I see my certain FB (Friend with Benefits is the PG version - Fuck Buddy is the real definition). He makes me nervous because I'm sure he doesn't like me. He's just putting up with me to have sex (it's true, isn't it?), and so I cover up my nerves by talking CONSTANTLY. YADA YADA YADA, OMG what an idiot I sound like. Chatty Cathy like I just surfaced from a dive. (I talk incessantly when I finish a dive... adrenaline rush, no doubt - talking to fish is exciting! I should know - I am one!) Anywho, where was I headed with this rant? Oh yeah... self-loathing. Tell you what, we'll skip that tonight. Mr. FB may never know who I REALLY am when I'm REALLY being myself, but I'm not going to make it worse tonight by beating myself up about it.

Nighty-night.

If Religious Conservatives are correct, then what are they so afraid of?

I recently saw "Religulous", the enlightening documentary by Bill Maher, with a friend. I have always been one to ask questions of teachers, authority, and idiots. I come by it naturally; I had scientists and teachers for parents. For some odd reason, though, conservative right-wing religious devotees get very angry when you question their beliefs. If they are the only way to salvation then what makes them so insecure about people challenging their beliefs?

I don't really believe in religion. I am spiritual and I believe religion, more often than not, is used at the highest levels as a tax dodge and a cult - mostly as a way to keep power over the people and gain money. As a lover of human beings I simply cannot condone that kind of tyrannical behavior. Don't get me wrong, the PEOPLE of the Church have done countless good deeds, but the evil that has been done in the name of religion may, indeed, if weighed in total, negate all the positives.

I think there are many paths to God, but I also think there is only one God. He has a heck of a lot of names and faces, though. ;) In an instance I know of personally, for one agnostic God took the form of a door knob. This person was able to use that form as a vehicle for their higher power and successfully stopped drinking - now sober for over 20 years. That person no longer uses the door knob as their higher power, but they are a Unitarian Universalist. How's THAT for a path to God? :D

I have been lucky enough in my life to have four parents. Two with Ph.D.s and two with Masters degrees, all teachers and scientists. So I have a requirement of my beliefs that they be scientifically provable and accurate. For the last 2 years of my Dad's life all he talked about was dark matter (which had just been discovered) and quantum physics (which was just being openly talked about). Black matter and quantum physics changed science all together. So because of my Father I have studied quantum physics a lot. I also do a lot of meditating and use CD's from a place called The Monroe Institute, a non-profit organization that I have quite a history with. As a quick background: Buddhist monks go there and learn meditation skills in one week that the old monks say took them a lifetime to learn. It is truly an amazing place doing good work for the world (it's stated goal).

I think this background safely leads me to the place where I can state what my beliefs about God are without being taken as an idiot - for lack of a better term. I guess I don't see God with a personality. Why would God have a personality? God is love. If we really understand the Universe God is in us, around us, and to use the terms already used by a man that PROBABLY believes the same way I do, "...The Force surrounds us, penetrates us..." Yes, when I heard those words in Star Wars I was dumbfounded. George Lucas, when I was the young age of 17, had just hit upon my vision of God. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Even back then I knew what I believed but was afraid to say it. Now that I have the education, vocabulary, and understanding I can say that my beliefs marry spirituality and quantum physics. That is an impossible concept for some people to get their head around, but it is sheer logic and perfection for me. All miracles can be scientifically proven through quantum physics. ALL OF THEM. I've even done some myself. I have had systemic lupus for over 20 years. There is no more measurement of Lupus in my blood. I spent many years healing myself. I changed my DNA. Many doctors will tell you that I just went into remission. I say I healed myself. YOU choose YOUR miracle, I'll choose mine. I still have bad days, I still have symptoms, I still have lupus problems. But for YEARS I had no measurable lupus in my blood. I can give you other examples of "miracles" that are explainable. I believe in quantum physics AND miracles, because they are one and the same thing. I also believe in God.

A lot of people will think this is blasphemy. I don't. I think this is praising the amazingness of the Universe - whom I see as God. I have educated myself and learned and done amazing things through the Universe that God has given us. What is more "God-like" than that? I love people with all my heart as much as humanly possibly. I try to be "Christ-like" instead of "Christian" because I have little respects for Christians. As a whole they seem to be hypocrites. I believe that Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad, Mary Magdalene, and COUNTLESS other men and women were incredibly gifted disciples of God. We are ALL sons and daughters of God.

Shit like this can get me killed, and that makes me very sad. I believe there needs to be more tolerance in this world. I'm a peace monger, much like Jesus and John Lennon were (two big influences in my life). I'd better go make sure my address isn't in the info on my Facebook Wall. If you got this far, thanks for reading. :) Namaste.

Herding Geese

Greensboro is FULL of Canadian Geese. I don't know why. We have TONS of ponds, lakes, green parks... I guess a lot of American cities have Canadian Geese, though. That's fine. I'd do a Google search for you to site the statistics if it weren't O-dark:30 in the morning. But I have to tell you about these damn geese.

After spending lots of money fixing my car so I can drive to Florida next month to rent an apartment (WOO HOO!!!) I was driving down what is arguably the busiest street in Greensboro. [Dallas friends and other big city dwellers: I know how ridiculous that statement is, but give it your best shot at the jokes.] Anywho - all that aside - there are still dangerous vehicles bearing down on you at 50 mph or more wanting to get where they're going and be there 10 minutes ago.

So here I am on my way to my friend's house to watch a movie when I come over a hill and see several cars going MUCH slower than normal on the other side of this 7-lane highway. Then I notice the problem: There are about TWELVE CANADIAN GEESE AND THEIR SMALL OFFSPRING in the center turn lane, all huddled together; TWO OF THE BABIES are actually on a sit down strike - resting in the middle of this busy highway. I slam on my (new and improved) brakes, but only because there was absolutely no one at all behind me in any of the three possible lanes they could have been in. The Universe, being on my side as usual, had me in the center lane. I hit my emergency flashers, got out of my car, leaving my car door open, checked for traffic behind me again (NOTHING AT ALL COMING YET! - HOW COOL WAS THAT?!) and proceeded to start yelling at the geese to get going. I ran over to get behind them and started herding geese. I was yelling at them as if they understood me - which most animals usually do (I communicate very well with animals). I started flailing my arms about like a monkey... the whole time checking for traffic. As the geese were approaching about half way across, here comes the traffic from over the hill. As they come over the hill they are seeing my black Honda in the middle lane, door open, flashers on, and geese being herded across the road by a mad woman. I'm just hoping there wasn't a photographer for the local paper in the backup.

A few of the cars barely slowed down and used the turning (center) lane to pass and be on their way (ASSHOLES). Most of them, however, respected what was going on and slowed to let the damn geese get across the road. Why did the geese cross the road? I don't know. I forgot to ask in my haste. Besides, they were mad at me for hurrying them across. One even snapped at me. I told him I didn't care; he just needed to get going. Nice guys never get any respect.

When all but one was on the curb, I ran back to my car and sped (and I do mean PEELED) off.

As I got to my car door, though, one woman rolled down her window and yelled, "THANK YOU!" to me. Cool.