I went to the beach Friday. All alone. I had to. I needed salt water and sand in the worst way. You see, I'm a Pisces (the sign of the Fish) and truly if ever anyone survives by water, it is I. I have no idea how I have survived so long living so far away from an actual body of water. In Texas and Florida it was ok. Even in Virginia it was bareable. But New York was hell. I mostly remember it as 4 years of deep, dark depression... in more than one way (but that's for another blog).
I made excellent time getting there, which is very odd. I go to Raleigh a fair amount. It always takes longer to get there than to get home. I call it the Theory of Going Downhill. Don't ask me why, but there are just some routes that take longer one way than the other. HEY - I DON'T MAKE UP THE RULES HERE, I JUST ABIDE BY THEM. ;p
Anyway. As I get closer and closer to the Causeway I start stretching my neck to see if I can see the blue; just catch a glimpse of the water. And then, there it is. It happens on each trip - every time. Everytime I see that blue water for the first time it literally takes my breath away. I have to stop and breathe again. The blueness? The smell? Something about it overwhelms my senses and my body can't handle it. My body stops its normal functioning and has to restart. It's like being home again. Back to where I belong. I wonder if it will still be there like I left it that last time; will it still be as blue, as beautiful, as fresh, as cold, as salty, as welcoming?
This time I went to Wrightsville Beach - the closest beach to Greensboro. Three and a half hours - give or take. Mostly give. Beach trips to the Outer Banks are not known for being quick to drive; well, let's face it. No beach trip is. Unless you do what I often did when I used to travel to be with the family on the Outer Banks when we used to go in the summers... I travelled at night. It was SO much easier - no traffic! But again, I digress.
I had everything planned out: 2 Gatorades, chips, turkey sandwich, Mounds mini-bars in my mini cooler, towels in one bag, kite and umbrella in separate bags, and then my tarp, books, sunscreen, brush, money, etc, in my backpack. I could carry it all with no problem. I later learned that two women (whom I met leaving the beach) saw me unloading my car with my stuff earlier in the day noted at the time how "well prepared and packed" I was. They stopped me and told me when we left the beach together! LOL It made me feel good. If only they could see my apartment during it's re-feng-shui period right now... they'd never believe I was the same girl!
I took the place of some people I passed on my way in that were leaving for the day (weirdos!). The wind was blowing pretty strong. It took me awhile to get everything set up. It must have been during that time that my back got burned. I always forget that while you're doing all that stuff your back is getting all that sun. BOY, did I feel it last night, and I'm feeling it today as well. My front looks like it wasn't even at the beach with me! What's that about??? WTF? Now I'm going to have to go out of my way up at my brother's house to get the front tanned. Oh well... The life of a sun goddess.
The last thing to go up was the kite. I LOVE my kite. It has fish and coral on it. And (don't be alarmed) it's got a lot of purple on it, too. I don't think it was 50 feet up and that wind was blowing like a bitch. I connected it to the D-ring on my kite weight (yes, I have a thing you dig a hole for and fill with wet sand and it secures your flying kite - if you're lucky - all day long if you want it to. Is that the coolest thing or what???) and it was blowing all over the place. I had to reel it in a bit, but there it stayed for all to see. It was awesome.
Something stung me my first time in. Not too bad, must have just been some floating stingers. Can't even feel it today. The waves were wonderful. It was cold. I kept my bikini on during the whole time in the water (hey - that's notable. It doesn't always stay on through some of those waves). I just wanted to go further and further out. The neat thing about North Carolina is that there is usually a sand bank for quite a ways out so if you can get through the breaking waves you can get to a place that is relatively peaceful and just stand and play in the water. But don't do this at sunrise or sunset. That's when the large animals (read as Sharks) are eating. And yes, they come in that close.
I left that place around 5:45 or so. I went to buy a new beach chair because all of mine had died heroic deaths in the line of duty. I found a cool one and headed back out to watch the sunset on a little stretch of beach further out on Wrightsville Beach. It was an "official" public beach with an outdoor shower and bathroooms. :) I only took the chair and my back pack this time, and I only wrote a little this time, unlike earlier in the afternoon when I had gotten quite a bit of writing in. I had been wanting to do some journaling and writing and thought the beach was a good place to start that. It was.
By this time the tide was coming in and I shifted my gaze from the waves to the incredible anvil cloud to the left. When I turned around to see the sunset itself (that is the big drawback on an East Coast beach: you can't really watch the sunset over the ocean. A little thing called Geography gets in the way) I noticed an even bigger anvil cloud behind me. I watch a seagull try to get the better of some poor little live piece of seafood it had caught. Galant try but the seagull won, eventually.
I thought about life, what has been going on in mine, what will be, what won't be, why, and what I can do about it. And when I finally realized that the sky was a gorgeous shade of purple I had the awful feeling of knowing that it was nearly time for me to turn around and go home. I began to cry. I always cry when I leave the ocean or the beach. ALWAYS. I began to wonder: Why, if you cry such bitter, real, sad tears do you ever leave the beach at all? Why would you do that to yourself over and over again? When lovers cry when they leave each other they frequently decide to fix it and get married or live together or something. At least they frequently decide to live in the same city. Why have I not done this? I did give it a cursory look one time, but decided money would not allow it. I haven't revisited the topic recently.
I'm tired of leaving the one place that means so much to me that I cry when I'm not around it. It makes no logical (or emotional) sense - not if I have the power and the money to change it... which I guess is the big question. There was a house for sale on the end of Augusta (street? drive?) where I parked at the first beach. It was a fixer-upper, you could tell. But it was precious. Yellow, with a porch, right on the beach, but it wasn't on stilts. That's why it would be a fixer-upper. Ha! Get it? UPPER? LOL Oh, if I had the money. This would be the time to buy, too. Did I mention Pisces are dreamers, too? :) But I can do more than dream. I can attract it into my life. So - here I go.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Positives of Letting Go
I have found that when the Universe is trying to get a message to me - trying to get my attention - it hammers and hammers and hammers at me until it finally gets through my thick skull what it is trying to tell me. Sometimes it takes longer for me to get the message than others. Lately, I've really been trying to figure out why certain things have been happening in my life. I'm not saying this is the complete answer, but something happened today to make one thing perfectly clear - again: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS I HAVE TO LEARN IN THIS LIFETIME IS TO LET THINGS GO - ACCEPT LOSS AND MOVE ON.
Loss has been a constant companion in my life. That's why I'm so convinced it is a primary lesson for me. Letting go of some things is easy - even for me! LOL I'm talking about the other, rather harder things. Stuff like my health, my father, the nice things I have worked hard to buy for myself - like my cars (count 'em, TWO!), all of my front teeth (at the same time I lost one of my cars!... Good times...), feelings and emotions, jobs and careers, dreams and ideas, sharing of myself with others... I have to learn to let things go, but LET THEM GO WITH LOVE instead of anger and bad feelings. That is the hard part. To that end, I like the theory of the onion. It goes like this: every time you go through the process of letting go with love it gets easier - like peeling an onion. Each layer gets you closer to the center, and it gets easier to peel. And, I guess, less tears. {I don't know... I haven't tested this theory in real life... but I digress} The point is it DOES get easier the more you practice it.
Some of my losses have been so big that they have sent me into complete tailspins. The loss of my step-father (relatively recently) truly brought so many of my old loss issues to the surface that it took me months to get over. The good news is that it didn't take as long to get over my step-father's death as it did to get over my Dad's death. So I think the onion theory works. At least it has with me.
I guess what I have learned through it all is that each loss must be followed up with a new dream, a new idea or vivid and cherished memories that lessen the sting of losing the one you loved. Find any way at all to make the loss into something positive and remember that loss is an opportunity for new beginnings.
My father used to tell me any problem that well-rounded people over 40 experience is usually spiritual in nature. Said another way: The solution to your problem, my friend, lies in your spirituality. Spending too much money on all the wrong things? Turn to your spirituality; what does your soul tell you is making you spend your money so unwisely? What hole are you trying to fill that cannot really be filled with "things"? Unhappy at your job? What is Spirit trying to tell you about how you feel about your job? (Just a hunch: I doubt Spirit is trying to tell you that you work with turkeys. Messages from the Universe and your soul are very seldom so trivial.) Try as I might I have never been able to disprove this theory that my Dad gave me. Whatever problems I have faced since being over 40 I have been able to boil down to difficult spiritual decisions waiting to be made. Whether it had to do with moving, losing weight, money, not hanging out with certain friends as much, loving more, hating less, accepting more, resisting less, doing what I want rather than what others think I should, telling the truth no matter how much it hurt - especially to myself... whatever.
There is always a positive waiting to be found. The more you look for them the easier it is to find them. Coming from a place of gratitude always helps. The first trick, however, is listening to the Universe and hearing what it is trying to tell you. Only then can we live in harmony with all that is around us and quit slamming our head into that proverbial brick wall. Sometimes that pounding in our head drowns out the clear voice of our soul and the Universe.
Loss has been a constant companion in my life. That's why I'm so convinced it is a primary lesson for me. Letting go of some things is easy - even for me! LOL I'm talking about the other, rather harder things. Stuff like my health, my father, the nice things I have worked hard to buy for myself - like my cars (count 'em, TWO!), all of my front teeth (at the same time I lost one of my cars!... Good times...), feelings and emotions, jobs and careers, dreams and ideas, sharing of myself with others... I have to learn to let things go, but LET THEM GO WITH LOVE instead of anger and bad feelings. That is the hard part. To that end, I like the theory of the onion. It goes like this: every time you go through the process of letting go with love it gets easier - like peeling an onion. Each layer gets you closer to the center, and it gets easier to peel. And, I guess, less tears. {I don't know... I haven't tested this theory in real life... but I digress} The point is it DOES get easier the more you practice it.
Some of my losses have been so big that they have sent me into complete tailspins. The loss of my step-father (relatively recently) truly brought so many of my old loss issues to the surface that it took me months to get over. The good news is that it didn't take as long to get over my step-father's death as it did to get over my Dad's death. So I think the onion theory works. At least it has with me.
I guess what I have learned through it all is that each loss must be followed up with a new dream, a new idea or vivid and cherished memories that lessen the sting of losing the one you loved. Find any way at all to make the loss into something positive and remember that loss is an opportunity for new beginnings.
My father used to tell me any problem that well-rounded people over 40 experience is usually spiritual in nature. Said another way: The solution to your problem, my friend, lies in your spirituality. Spending too much money on all the wrong things? Turn to your spirituality; what does your soul tell you is making you spend your money so unwisely? What hole are you trying to fill that cannot really be filled with "things"? Unhappy at your job? What is Spirit trying to tell you about how you feel about your job? (Just a hunch: I doubt Spirit is trying to tell you that you work with turkeys. Messages from the Universe and your soul are very seldom so trivial.) Try as I might I have never been able to disprove this theory that my Dad gave me. Whatever problems I have faced since being over 40 I have been able to boil down to difficult spiritual decisions waiting to be made. Whether it had to do with moving, losing weight, money, not hanging out with certain friends as much, loving more, hating less, accepting more, resisting less, doing what I want rather than what others think I should, telling the truth no matter how much it hurt - especially to myself... whatever.
There is always a positive waiting to be found. The more you look for them the easier it is to find them. Coming from a place of gratitude always helps. The first trick, however, is listening to the Universe and hearing what it is trying to tell you. Only then can we live in harmony with all that is around us and quit slamming our head into that proverbial brick wall. Sometimes that pounding in our head drowns out the clear voice of our soul and the Universe.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
If Wishes Were Fishes
Many of us have probably been at a place where we never thought we'd find ourselves. Well, here I am. I never thought I'd be this far along in life and not have a mate or a friend I could call to do something with on a gloriously beautiful Saturday.
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. I have many. Most of them live out of town, however. I followed my Ex-husband halfway across the United States foolishly thinking that was the thing to do. Isn't loyalty a part of marriage? Especially when I didn't work or have a career of my own at the time. It took me years to wake up to the fact that loyalty should only be a part of it when loyalty is present and equal on both parties' sides. He wasn't really following a dream, he was running from bad decisions and behavior. Alcoholism will make one do that.
So my friends are literally scattered up and down the East Coast and in Texas and Oklahoma. Thanks to the internet and Facebook I can stay in touch with them. And thanks to Lupus (yes, I am grateful for all things because there are no mistakes in the Universe) I can travel to see them when time and money permit. But that still leaves me here in little ol' Greensboro, North Carolina. Pretty much alone with nothing to do on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
Again, I must qualify that statement. I know of about a dozen men that would love to get together and have carnal knowledge of me. Hey - I love sex more than any girl I know (right now) but I need more than just a role in the hay for it to do much for me. OK, that's a HUGE lie. The truth is I'm trying to live closer to my spiritual core. And I can't do that and have random sex with random men that just want to randomly have my body - no matter how randomly I want it. I use to think it was "spontaneous". Spontaneity has nothing to do with it. It's just random. Men, I think, are built for it. Women - not so much. We have those hormones that tie us to people and things. They are what make us "Not Men". They are what make some of us wish we were lesbians. But that is for another blog.
Truth be told there might be one or two people (read as women) I could call to go do something with today but I know they are either busy or out of town. As I get more involved in these "Meetups" that I am joining I am meeting more and different people that I can do things with outside of the Meetups. But it takes a long time to cultivate a friendship when people have such busy lives of their own. I think most people assume I work. Well, why wouldn't they assume that? I look normal and seem intelligent. Very few people know of my history with lupus (as far as I know). Which is fine - I don't necessarily want to announce it at meetings. People treat you differently sometimes. They avoid you like the plague or they treat you like you're dying. Right now I just get treated normally, which is nice. :)
So, as usual, I am left to my own devices on the beautiful, sunny, birds chirping Saturday. I won't dwell on how lonely I am. I'll do errands, walk, do my back exercises, continue on the feng shui of the apartment, and miss going to the beach because I thought I needed the sleep today. Turns out I really didn't get that much extra sleep. It just isn't happening these days. Thanks, Dr. John. ASSHOLE. It's probably time I head to the DC area to see the Bro and the Nieces. Get away from here awhile and play with them and in the pool. I can always get in trouble up there. :D
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. I have many. Most of them live out of town, however. I followed my Ex-husband halfway across the United States foolishly thinking that was the thing to do. Isn't loyalty a part of marriage? Especially when I didn't work or have a career of my own at the time. It took me years to wake up to the fact that loyalty should only be a part of it when loyalty is present and equal on both parties' sides. He wasn't really following a dream, he was running from bad decisions and behavior. Alcoholism will make one do that.
So my friends are literally scattered up and down the East Coast and in Texas and Oklahoma. Thanks to the internet and Facebook I can stay in touch with them. And thanks to Lupus (yes, I am grateful for all things because there are no mistakes in the Universe) I can travel to see them when time and money permit. But that still leaves me here in little ol' Greensboro, North Carolina. Pretty much alone with nothing to do on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
Again, I must qualify that statement. I know of about a dozen men that would love to get together and have carnal knowledge of me. Hey - I love sex more than any girl I know (right now) but I need more than just a role in the hay for it to do much for me. OK, that's a HUGE lie. The truth is I'm trying to live closer to my spiritual core. And I can't do that and have random sex with random men that just want to randomly have my body - no matter how randomly I want it. I use to think it was "spontaneous". Spontaneity has nothing to do with it. It's just random. Men, I think, are built for it. Women - not so much. We have those hormones that tie us to people and things. They are what make us "Not Men". They are what make some of us wish we were lesbians. But that is for another blog.
Truth be told there might be one or two people (read as women) I could call to go do something with today but I know they are either busy or out of town. As I get more involved in these "Meetups" that I am joining I am meeting more and different people that I can do things with outside of the Meetups. But it takes a long time to cultivate a friendship when people have such busy lives of their own. I think most people assume I work. Well, why wouldn't they assume that? I look normal and seem intelligent. Very few people know of my history with lupus (as far as I know). Which is fine - I don't necessarily want to announce it at meetings. People treat you differently sometimes. They avoid you like the plague or they treat you like you're dying. Right now I just get treated normally, which is nice. :)
So, as usual, I am left to my own devices on the beautiful, sunny, birds chirping Saturday. I won't dwell on how lonely I am. I'll do errands, walk, do my back exercises, continue on the feng shui of the apartment, and miss going to the beach because I thought I needed the sleep today. Turns out I really didn't get that much extra sleep. It just isn't happening these days. Thanks, Dr. John. ASSHOLE. It's probably time I head to the DC area to see the Bro and the Nieces. Get away from here awhile and play with them and in the pool. I can always get in trouble up there. :D
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