Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Honest vs. Idiocy
So far, no one is following this particular blog. Therefore I feel like it's almost a journal for me. I've practically been using it that way. I know, that can be a dangerous thing on the internet; and that easily segues into my topic for this particular entry.
It has come to my attention - after much thought and meditation - that for a good part of my life what I was taking for honesty on my part was probably closer to idiocy. How did I come to that conclusion? I was trying to think back to what motivated me to say some things I did over the weekend. Saying stupid things off the top of your head is one thing. But I think there is usually some part of us that says these things for some hidden reason. We may or may not be aware of that motivation at the time, but if what you said sticks with you like a dry peanut butter sandwich then it may need analyzing.
I was brought up in a way that led me to think I needed to be COMPLETELY honest with everyone. I took the meaning of honesty to be "full disclosure". For instance: if I couldn't do something that someone asked me to do or if I had to back out of something I had promised to do I had to give them a reason as to why I couldn't do it. Call it guilt that was installed in childhood, or shame that existed in my family of origin, but that is how I was brought up. Over the years I have come to believe that guilt is mostly a useless emotion and shame is something that should only be used in small quantities. And I have worked very hard to keep it that way.
So when I reflect on what my motivation was to share the REASONS as to why I couldn't do something I think the biggest reason was that I felt an obligation to be there for people, because their opinion of me was the most important thing to me. I no longer feel that way. One of the rules I live by is, "It's none of my business what other people think of me." It is so much easier to live life that way. I am free to be me and I am much happier. I'm a better person and I have found that people that "disapprove of me" are actually people I don't really want to be friends with anyway. So I get to skip the wasted energy I used to spend on trying to "win them over" as friends. {Just so there is no misunderstanding here, I'm always courteous and respectful, but friendship is another thing entirely.}
But there are other motivations behind sharing things with people (what I used to call "being honest") that are probably colossally bad reasons to do so. Such as:
- wanting to let them know that you know something about them that they didn't know you knew
- wanting to appear "important" in some way
- wanting to appear as a person worthy of their "sympathy"
- wanting to appear in a positive light to impress whomever it is
I like to call this "one-upmanship". Frankly, it is bragging. This isn't honesty, this is simple self-destructiveness. It almost always blows up in your face and makes you look like a selfish, idiotic goon. Ladies and Gentlemen: may I introduce: ME! How many times have I done this and then IMMEDIATELY known it was a mistake? Every time? Probably. And when someone has done it to me I criticize them and (most likely) call them an idiot (in my head). I have no right to judge them, but I seem to have an obsession to judge myself. I guess that is how I try to become a better person - by realizing the behavior and changing it.
The long and the short of this is that I may have ruined what was a really lovely friendship I had enjoyed with all my heart and soul with a really nice guy. I put him (and me) in a terrible position and if he gives it much thought he'll probably feel very awkward at seeing me again, and possibly choose to step out of my life. That is an awful high price to pay for a lesson learned.
Ouch. :(
It has come to my attention - after much thought and meditation - that for a good part of my life what I was taking for honesty on my part was probably closer to idiocy. How did I come to that conclusion? I was trying to think back to what motivated me to say some things I did over the weekend. Saying stupid things off the top of your head is one thing. But I think there is usually some part of us that says these things for some hidden reason. We may or may not be aware of that motivation at the time, but if what you said sticks with you like a dry peanut butter sandwich then it may need analyzing.
I was brought up in a way that led me to think I needed to be COMPLETELY honest with everyone. I took the meaning of honesty to be "full disclosure". For instance: if I couldn't do something that someone asked me to do or if I had to back out of something I had promised to do I had to give them a reason as to why I couldn't do it. Call it guilt that was installed in childhood, or shame that existed in my family of origin, but that is how I was brought up. Over the years I have come to believe that guilt is mostly a useless emotion and shame is something that should only be used in small quantities. And I have worked very hard to keep it that way.
So when I reflect on what my motivation was to share the REASONS as to why I couldn't do something I think the biggest reason was that I felt an obligation to be there for people, because their opinion of me was the most important thing to me. I no longer feel that way. One of the rules I live by is, "It's none of my business what other people think of me." It is so much easier to live life that way. I am free to be me and I am much happier. I'm a better person and I have found that people that "disapprove of me" are actually people I don't really want to be friends with anyway. So I get to skip the wasted energy I used to spend on trying to "win them over" as friends. {Just so there is no misunderstanding here, I'm always courteous and respectful, but friendship is another thing entirely.}
But there are other motivations behind sharing things with people (what I used to call "being honest") that are probably colossally bad reasons to do so. Such as:
- wanting to let them know that you know something about them that they didn't know you knew
- wanting to appear "important" in some way
- wanting to appear as a person worthy of their "sympathy"
- wanting to appear in a positive light to impress whomever it is
I like to call this "one-upmanship". Frankly, it is bragging. This isn't honesty, this is simple self-destructiveness. It almost always blows up in your face and makes you look like a selfish, idiotic goon. Ladies and Gentlemen: may I introduce: ME! How many times have I done this and then IMMEDIATELY known it was a mistake? Every time? Probably. And when someone has done it to me I criticize them and (most likely) call them an idiot (in my head). I have no right to judge them, but I seem to have an obsession to judge myself. I guess that is how I try to become a better person - by realizing the behavior and changing it.
The long and the short of this is that I may have ruined what was a really lovely friendship I had enjoyed with all my heart and soul with a really nice guy. I put him (and me) in a terrible position and if he gives it much thought he'll probably feel very awkward at seeing me again, and possibly choose to step out of my life. That is an awful high price to pay for a lesson learned.
Ouch. :(
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