Thoughts Upon Being Compared to a Three-Year-Old

During "The Incident" several weeks ago (some of you may recall this, others of you - just go with this, OK?) I was reminded of the possibility of having ovarian cancer. This possibility is something I am handling well and am applying the Law of Attraction to - better than I ever applied to any issue before (except maybe my move to Florida), so I consider it a NON-issue now. However, at the time, it was thrown in my face (figuratively, of course) and it horrified me. I became very upset and the witness at that time compared me to a three-year-old.

After some thought on this subject I have decided that I should take such a comparison as a compliment. If I EVER begin to cover up my feelings as much as some people I am acquainted with then I wish to be put out of my misery. I have worked hard to keep my feelings on the surface rather than stuff them deep into my psyche, never to be seen until they "unexpectedly" boil over in a tirade aimed at someone I love, rather than taken out on the person they should have been calmly expressed to at the time. That is how three year old are (not to mention well-adjusted adults); they are usually happy, they tell people what they want when they want it, they are honest and open, and they cry (or at least let their feelings out) when they are unhappy or have been done wrong.

Golly! Sounds pretty healthy to me.

The Shout Out

While sitting on Clearwater Beach after finding my new home I thought of so many people in my life that I am grateful for:

My family has been unwavering in the support for me while trying to make this dream come true. They may have thought I was crazy half the time, but they supported me nonetheless. NEVER underestimate how much validation means to people. Individuals have to make their own mistakes; validation with love and nurturing care helps people fulfill their dreams and helps soften the fall if they don't. End of lecture.

My countless, wonderful friends came to mind while I sat there in that soft, baby-powder sand. Taz, your shout out was first. The echo I heard in the Universe was deafening, and happy. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought of my (almost lifetime) friend Lynette, with whom I had actually been on that beach with before. I thought of my old life in Tampa, I thought of all the supportive people in Greensboro that wanted to see me succeed in my efforts to move to Florida, and all my friends on Facebook that have done nothing less than kept me afloat and my spirits up during this emotional and difficult time. No one is luckier than I am, and if they say they are they MUST be lying.

I thought of the people right there in Clearwater that worked so hard those few days to help me find my new apartment. Robby, and the girls at the complex, were welcoming and made the process much easier for me.

I thought of my Spiritual Adviser, I thought of my daily Universal thoughts that have helped me get through this, I thought of Socks... he would love the new place. And Dad would be so happy for me.

My phone and my car didn't break until I got back from Florida, and for that I am truly grateful. If that had happened while I was still in Florida it would have been a mess, and so would I. LOL Thankfully I got home and was able to handle fixing the phone with the help of a dear friend, and I got the car out to the dealership without having to use a tow truck. Will wonders never cease? :)

To be continued...

Another Attitude of Gratitude

I've been crazy busy, so the blog has suffered. But I must say I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to take a moment to share it.

Many pieces of bad news have been coming my way lately. I have let it all get to me, without adding my usual positive spin to it. I can forgive myself for this; I am human. When the world continually pelts you with negativity the only way of overcoming it is with positive energy, and I really got in a funk for awhile. Even as I was in Florida finding my new home the bad news kept coming. Only after I found my new place and made a beeline for the beach did I realize what was happening. Sometimes we are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Sitting there in my pink beach chair (they didn't have a purple one), watching the sunset (THINK ABOUT IT - THE GULF COAST OF FLORIDA IS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES YOU CAN WATCH THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES), taking in dip in the 90 degree water (90 degrees F!), I finally relaxed and realized that nothing of the past few months really mattered - not even the bad health news. I set out to move to Florida in March of this year and by mid-August I will be living there. Being there on Clearwater Beach every single problem in my world dissipated. Peace surrounded me and turmoil ceased. My shoulders left my ears and I found them down around my chest again. I was back to where I was supposed to be - near the water where my spirit lives. I get my energy from being outside near water. There has never been enough of that for me in most of the places I have lived. There have been a few, but not for a long time.

The apartment I will be living in is the farthest from the beach that I looked at, but c'est la vie. So what? It's still closer than I am right now! LOL The thing I find interesting is that before I went to Florida to look for apartments EVERYONE seemed to ask me what the worst case scenario was if I moved down there. My answer was always the same: At least I will have the beach. When I got to the beach that afternoon I realized THAT WAS EVERYTHING. It's not the minimum, it's everything. Silly me. If I am lucky enough to have anything else positive happen in my life it will be icing on the cake.

I have moved up my move date YET AGAIN. So I am VERY STRESSED, but the Universe will work this out somehow. My job is to do what I can and be ready. I live in gratitude and faith. I am happier than I have been for months, and it is because I know I am, yet again, on the right path. I have weak moments, but my gratitude returns. I guess that is gratitude for gratitude. :D LOL

7/7/10 - A Good Day

My work for the day is FINALLY done. I am exhausted. My head is full of numbers and my soul is full of gratitude. My heart if halfway between overjoyed and heavy. This move is going to happen.

On a day when one of the most unhappy women I have ever known posted a photo of me that she probably thought would piss me off I have the date for my trip to go to Florida and rent my apartment planned, all the money is lined up to do it, the date is set and my POD reserved to move. I gotta tell you, it's kinda scary. Still, it's the right thing for me. Someone asked me the other day what the worst case scenario is; overall, it would be staying in Greensboro - I guess. Second worst case scenario? Living in Florida close to the beach, knowing no one, and picking up tar balls every day. That is one of my two dreams come true (the living in Florida part). All in all that's not bad. And I bet doing that I could meet some people interested in keeping the environment protected, at least. Who knows? That would help more dreams come true....

I want to continue to remember to turn away hate and wrath and passive aggression with love and understanding - and a sense of humor about myself. I also hope that I meet some people with values that are a bit closer to mine than what I have found here. Oh UuuuuuNIVERSE - here's my order. Fulfill that, please. Completion date must be by August 18th, 2010. Thanks.

Between This and That, or The Full Monty of Humiliation

The Moon was gorgeous tonight on the way home. OH - on the way home from my Singles Meetup group. Meetup.com - Google it. It was kinda hanging on the horizon, barely orange at just under three quarters. I really should pay more attention to my driving than nature. I'm just sayin'.

At my Singles Meetup tonight I was talking to a friend - whom I'm POSITIVE doesn't read this blog - and he said I looked good and that he had been missing me. I was so touched to hear that, and I told him so - quite sincerely. I don't take kind words like that lightly. People don't often say things like that to me. He could tell by the way I responded to his compliment that something was up. So I told him of my "incident" of two weeks (?) ago. I was finally able to come to some clarity on it and find words to describe my feelings on exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It's like this:

I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic. There are these things I am so familiar with about myself that I just HATE! This little flaw here, that HUGE flaw there. This personality quirk, the fact that I am THIS way instead of THAT way... and that I'm relatively sure people think she is prettier than I am - which is OK, but....

As a rule I really don't care what people think about me. I have grown to believe that as long as I am happy with myself and not hurting others I think I'm probably doing what the Universe expects of me. Granted, I do hurt others at times but I try to correct those situations as soon as possible. HOWEVER, when someone brings your faults to your attention, one by one, listing them out in great detail it is certainly a bit painful - well, to me at least.

This is exactly what happened in my little incident. I received - allegedly by accident - an e-mail from a guy that knew me pretty well, I'd say. This e-mail was intended for a friend of his, but "somehow" I was copied on it. Now. I know men - and women - talk openly of their conquests and problems in relationships; some much more than others. But this particular e-mail wasn't just listing funny little things I do; it listed those HUGE, PERSONAL FLAWS that I LOATHE in myself, and beat myself up about on those bad, insecure days. And that I pray to GOD no one else notices, or if they do they quickly forget about because... because of whatever reason.

I'd list these horrible qualities out for you so you'd know just how betrayed and humiliated I felt after reading the e-mail, but if I did that then you'd know my worst faults, fears, and shortcomings. Or maybe you already know since, apparently, they are incredibly blatant and obvious to even the most foolish of men. But, in this case, that wasn't enough humiliation for me. Oh, no. I had to be compared to a woman who happens to be the Ex-wife of a man I had been FB's with (we've been over this, folks - Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies) (whom I'm ALSO sure doesn't read this blog). Guess who won the comparison? Welllllllll, it wasn't me.

Wow! A Cherry for my Sundae! That makes my humiliation complete. So at the very least, (1) a man I thought at least liked me and (2) a perfect stranger he was writing to, know my inner-most fears and shortcomings. The betrayal was almost as perfect as the breakup of my marriage. Almost.

The honest truth is that some of it - not all of it - was true. One thing that was true is that I am old. That's a scary thing to me sometimes. Men don't like "old". I love my life but I get lonely. I'm a people person and I miss intimacy with people - YES, men, but also women. I've made stupid mistakes - like following a sociopath around the country for 11 years - leaving bits and pieces of my life behind - because I thought he was semi-normal and that he loved me. OOPS! I'm really bad at picking men - OBVIOUSLY. And I talk way too much sometimes because I'm trying to find a connection with people. Fortunately for me I get lucky occasionally and find forgiving people that I connect with and they put up with my chatter. At other times I just get hurt. That's the cost of doing business when you refuse to change. What's that saying?... Dance as if no one is looking, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you've never loved before, Live as if it were your last day on Earth. Eh - it's something like that. I don't always manage to accomplish that but I believe the principle is a good and worthy one to strive for. AGAIN - not to worry about what others think.

As I concluded my story for my friend tonight I told him I thought I was a stronger individual than how I reacted to having my "inventory" presented to me on a silver platter. It brought me so far down to my knees I had to leave town. For almost a week. I am still crying myself to sleep at the reality of the situation. Why it cut so deeply I really don't quite understand. But I will. And then it will be OK.

Why would I post this blog? How stupid am I to let even more people know of my plight? Honestly? I don't know. What I DO know is that when I share I touch people. One of my best friends bought a house today in Las Vegas because she got in touch with how unhappy she has been here in Greensboro for awhile now. I feel like I helped her get to those feelings, and she does, too. I feel good about that. I've helped another friend come to that point, also, and he is looking to move to Albuquerque. I've helped people get diagnosed with illnesses when they have been scared or didn't know they needed to go to the doctor. When I share it helps people, and that is part of why I am here, I think. I simply don't think the Universe wants me to be in business for myself only. Else - why bother learning? What would it be for in the end if not to help others? So I take a chance on sharing the innermost things sometimes. And I get hurt. Sometimes. Or not. Sometimes. Life is a journey - not a destination. Sometimes this adventure gets messy, but it's still fun and I'm happy.