First, a word from our sponsor:
I am CRAZY busy doing stuff so I can move to Florida. I have the numbers crunched and I know how much money I am short from getting there. I know where the money is coming from, I have the places lined up that I need to take things to for selling them, I have apartments chosen to see, I have the logistics in temporary order, I have the car lined up for repair... things are moving along. This is all to illustrate to all my lovely followers (LOL) why I have not blogged lately. I am busy making the important plans to make these blogs even more useful to human- and animal-kind. The oil slick approaches Tampa Bay even as I write this. My manatees are in eminent danger, and time is at a premium. I am making haste. Now - to today's blog, compliments of someone else.
A dear friend of mine sent this to me from a friend of his. I think it will make for a great blog today, since I don't seem to find the time or energy to blog today.
Enjoy!
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As Americans we sometimes tend to over-complicate things, instituting a needlessly complex solution to what is in reality a simple problem. Case in point...
The Airport Solution - So simple!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but instead will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling. Additionally, this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift and appropriate. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers -- we now have a seat available on flight number..."
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Guest Blogger - My Very First!
A friend of mine from Facebook, and a fellow lupus sufferer, wrote an inspiring, passionate, humble, beautiful... well, why don't I let you read it for yourself. Thank you, Norma Jeane Smith, for letting me share your thoughts on my blog.
"I do not ever want to take away from anyone suffering from cancer. It is a serious disease...but has the potential of being cured. To me...and I mean NO offense...I feel that Lupus is a little like cancer...without any cure. It has a potential remission...but not a potential cure. It is frustrating, hurtful, and horribly disgusting how dismissive people can be until you die from it. I have never, as a nurse, seen so little regard for a disease, that mistakenly attacks and destroys its own body, no rhyme or reason or method to its madness. It attacks an organ, or several in most of our cases...like it attacks a virus. It hurts us until there is nothing left...everyday. As destructive as the disease is, people that doubt the seriousness of Lupus should try and spend a moment in the shoes of the one they doubt. Lupus sufferers should not have to prove the suffering...do not want it...nor should they have to have a visible sign/tumor to be seen outwardly in order to be believed. John said something wonderfully honest...that being those that believe you do...and those that don't won't. It isn't something you can just tough out until it is healed...it is NOT a bruise or a cold. It is the attack of our bodies on themselves for no known reason and it does not go away...Air can not be seen, but you know it is there...if you doubt it...take it away and I bet you will believe it was real. Lupus is like air, except we wish it were absent...unlike air. If anyone should doubt it, let them carry it for a moment. Not something I wish for them to have happen...but I do not know how else to create the compassion we deserve. Alzheimer's, Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, Thyroid issues, Crohn's Disease...to name a few...are also autoimmune diseases that others may have. Dismissing someone with Lupus or any other Autoimmune Disease just because you do not understand it, see it, know enough about it is inexcusable. How dare anyone who has ever breathed air that can not be seen by their own eyes...decide for someone else they are not truly ill because they can not feel or see within the person they have dismissed. To that person, or anyone else that feel Lupus is not real...Please imagine yourself without air for a few moments...struggling to convince the ones around you that you really can't breathe as they doubt you because they are able to breath with ease. You can not outwardly see asthma, autism, a heart attack, a headache, a cold virus, a toothache...so many things great and small that aren't even autoimmune related...but when it is YOUR's to carry, you will know it is real. I promise you this...if anyone was going to fake anything...I am certain it would not be Lupus...or anything that Prednisone is drug of choice! And if you aren't sure what that means...Like a funny joke that has to be explained...take it for a few months and get back with the ones you doubted because explaining it takes away from the punch line it packs! You can not fool blood work and specific labs, fake seizures, strokes, kidney failure, heart failure, hair loss, facial scarring and rashes, inflammation of joints and muscles, just to list some common things you would be attempting...just saying...it is SO ignorant to disbelieve, doubt, or dismiss someone for what you do not understand first hand. I can't SEE your ignorance...but I know it is there. We may die before you believe it, acknowledge it, etc. That is your choice and your right. You may HOPE that it will be dropped if you pretend we don't exist, or ignore us like some have tried with slavery, the Holocaust, or other tragedies in time. But remember this from your history lessons...one voice may be easy to silence...divided...you could continue on your way...united...you can not. We will educate you or we will expose you...gain your choice...but OUR right! As the men and women before us have found in all struggles of life...When they came together to fight for the very right to freedom, to vote, to be equal, to be heard...have done before us...we will do as well. It may even be that you have helped us in our plight to be recognized by your ignorance. It may be that you just want your name to be known. But you have messed with the wrong crowd...I pray you truly never know first hand how real Lupus is. I also pray you first think before you speak or plan on your name/face being synonymous with the words ignorant idiot...All our love, or all our might...you choose, but you are taking one tough crowd."
"I do not ever want to take away from anyone suffering from cancer. It is a serious disease...but has the potential of being cured. To me...and I mean NO offense...I feel that Lupus is a little like cancer...without any cure. It has a potential remission...but not a potential cure. It is frustrating, hurtful, and horribly disgusting how dismissive people can be until you die from it. I have never, as a nurse, seen so little regard for a disease, that mistakenly attacks and destroys its own body, no rhyme or reason or method to its madness. It attacks an organ, or several in most of our cases...like it attacks a virus. It hurts us until there is nothing left...everyday. As destructive as the disease is, people that doubt the seriousness of Lupus should try and spend a moment in the shoes of the one they doubt. Lupus sufferers should not have to prove the suffering...do not want it...nor should they have to have a visible sign/tumor to be seen outwardly in order to be believed. John said something wonderfully honest...that being those that believe you do...and those that don't won't. It isn't something you can just tough out until it is healed...it is NOT a bruise or a cold. It is the attack of our bodies on themselves for no known reason and it does not go away...Air can not be seen, but you know it is there...if you doubt it...take it away and I bet you will believe it was real. Lupus is like air, except we wish it were absent...unlike air. If anyone should doubt it, let them carry it for a moment. Not something I wish for them to have happen...but I do not know how else to create the compassion we deserve. Alzheimer's, Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, Thyroid issues, Crohn's Disease...to name a few...are also autoimmune diseases that others may have. Dismissing someone with Lupus or any other Autoimmune Disease just because you do not understand it, see it, know enough about it is inexcusable. How dare anyone who has ever breathed air that can not be seen by their own eyes...decide for someone else they are not truly ill because they can not feel or see within the person they have dismissed. To that person, or anyone else that feel Lupus is not real...Please imagine yourself without air for a few moments...struggling to convince the ones around you that you really can't breathe as they doubt you because they are able to breath with ease. You can not outwardly see asthma, autism, a heart attack, a headache, a cold virus, a toothache...so many things great and small that aren't even autoimmune related...but when it is YOUR's to carry, you will know it is real. I promise you this...if anyone was going to fake anything...I am certain it would not be Lupus...or anything that Prednisone is drug of choice! And if you aren't sure what that means...Like a funny joke that has to be explained...take it for a few months and get back with the ones you doubted because explaining it takes away from the punch line it packs! You can not fool blood work and specific labs, fake seizures, strokes, kidney failure, heart failure, hair loss, facial scarring and rashes, inflammation of joints and muscles, just to list some common things you would be attempting...just saying...it is SO ignorant to disbelieve, doubt, or dismiss someone for what you do not understand first hand. I can't SEE your ignorance...but I know it is there. We may die before you believe it, acknowledge it, etc. That is your choice and your right. You may HOPE that it will be dropped if you pretend we don't exist, or ignore us like some have tried with slavery, the Holocaust, or other tragedies in time. But remember this from your history lessons...one voice may be easy to silence...divided...you could continue on your way...united...you can not. We will educate you or we will expose you...gain your choice...but OUR right! As the men and women before us have found in all struggles of life...When they came together to fight for the very right to freedom, to vote, to be equal, to be heard...have done before us...we will do as well. It may even be that you have helped us in our plight to be recognized by your ignorance. It may be that you just want your name to be known. But you have messed with the wrong crowd...I pray you truly never know first hand how real Lupus is. I also pray you first think before you speak or plan on your name/face being synonymous with the words ignorant idiot...All our love, or all our might...you choose, but you are taking one tough crowd."
One Step Forward, Twenty Steps Back
I don't know how to express my frustration and outrage at the irresponsibility of the young woman that represented Oklahoma at the Miss USA Pageant. She is young, had a very specific goal in mind (I don't know what her goal is now since she came in runner up in the pageant), and worse - she a conservative, Fox News-watching Christian.
Let me clarify a few things first: I believe in a Universal, almighty Higher Power (we've been over this before, folks). I believe in miracles, although claiming them as God's miracles on a public stage can be a really tricky thing - God has a really weird sense of humor. I believe in the right of everyone to be wrong - especially young people - and to be forgiven for it. I believe that everyone should take responsibility for the things they say. I believe that information is power. I believe that the truth will set you free, and I believe to the bottom of my soul that Fox News is an instrument of the devil.
As I have already pointed out, this young lady is VERY young. She relatively recently won Miss Teen Oklahoma in order to run for Miss Oklahoma. So she can't be much more than 18 or so, I guess. Nineteen? I don't know, YOU Google it. My point is that she doesn't know what life is all about yet. She doesn't know one HAS to be accurate when referring to things on a national stage. And she certainly has no idea how mean and nasty people are, and how long people's memories are - LIKE THE ENTIRE LUPUS COMMUNITY. I mean it - I have NEVER seen outrage like this. These people want blood, and I'm not far behind them in my thinking. This has set our cause back by 20 years.
We had finally gained some respect through the TV show "House" ("It's NEVER Lupus!", a phrase Dr. House frequently says on the Fox (!) television series, is a HUGE rally cry for lupus patients now; the meaning behind it being clear to lupus patients at least: Lupus is the last thing anyone thinks of to use as a diagnosis because it is the disease of a thousand disguises). We had gained more recognition and understanding through multiple episodes on soap operas, nighttime shows like ER, Law & Order, L.A. Law, just to name a few. Garth Brooks had even written a song in memory of a friend that have passed over (sorry - my way of saying died) because of it. We had even won some higher profile supporters which is difficult for lupus. There are plenty of Hollywood stars with lupus but they cannot make their medical status public (unlike with some other diseases) due to the complications with insurance coverage. When you work on a film or television show you are required to have insurance coverage, and you can't get coverage if you have a diagnosis of systemic lupus. It's the "curse of death" in the life insurance industry. I have an uncle in the insurance business, and he wouldn't even write ME an insurance policy. OUCH!
For a kid the age of twenty (or so) to come along and proclaim that she has been CURED of lupus and is a walking miracle because God willed it that way is a near catastrophe for lupus sufferers. It has probably hurt us more than the denial by Social Security that "lupus is a disabling disease" EVER did. We finally got Social Security straightened out, and we now get disability retirement fairly easily (which I have been on for years). But the way I understand it, this woman said that her lupus was brought about by taking a drug, one of several that can bring about lupus symptoms. This is called "Drug-induced Lupus". When the drug is discontinued it does not always reverse the lupus symptoms, so she is, indeed, lucky that the symptoms went away when she discontinued the medication. BUT DISCONTINUING A DRUG IS NOT A MIRACLE. IT IS ALSO NOT A CURE, since there was no real disease to begin with. I am SPEECHLESS at the twisting of the truth for self-promotion and sympathy. I'm sure we have all stretched the truth for sympathy, and possibly even for self-promotion. But either this girl, or someone that is "handling" her and giving her advice, is doing a great disservice. By her putting drug-induced lupus in the same breath with "miracle" and "cure" she has confused fact for fancy, and taken on an entire nation of lupus patients - INCLUDING THE LUPUS PATIENTS THAT FULLY BELIEVE IN MIRACULOUS CURES, AS I DO. She needs to retract her statements and replace them with real, scientific and medical facts, stated clearly for all to hear so that the public doesn't think us lupus invalids are sitting around collecting disability and dying because it's so much fun. There is already too much of a credibility gap when it comes to lupus.
There is a HUGE credibility gap when people can't see you bleeding to death and you are low on blood (YES, THIS IS A REAL CIRCUMSTANCE; the body "eats", for lack of a better term, your blood and then you must have a transfusion to live). There is a HUGE credibility gap when your husband carries you into the Emergency Room and you're crying out in pain but after six hours of tests the doctors "can't find anything wrong" with you. There is a HUGE credibility gap when, on a Friday, you feel like you are on your death bed and can't go to work. Then on the next day - Saturday - you feel great and need something at the store, so you go out and run into your boss at the check out. There is a HUGE credibility gap when you tell your friend you'll meet her in Cozumel, so you both buy tickets to Cozumel and a week at the best hotel, then you wind up too sick to make the trip with her. There's an even BIGGER credibility gap when HUNDREDS of people who have worked and toiled alongside you, and called you "friend" for over eight years see you forcibly retired, knowing that you have some crazy illness that they don't understand so it scares them to death, and they NEVER, EVER speak to you again.
This is what lupus patients are up against; well, it is what I have been up against. These are just some of the things my soul is scarred with. These are just the run of the mill, everyday things. Hurtful and devastating emotionally, but nothing compared to the physical toll. I'm not even going there, because it's just too hard for others to understand and too complicated to try to explain. I don't want to sound mean, I just simply don't know how to explain it. How do you explain the confusion of slowly slipping into a coma? How do you explain pain and exhaustion to someone that just feels "normal" pain and exhaustion? I still remember "normal" exhaustion. Sometimes I still HAVE normal exhaustion. LOL I pray for those days. Those are my good days. I am grateful for those days. I work very hard to have those days and fortunately, for me, that's what most of them are. I'm lucky. So many people aren't that lucky. So many of my friends never made it as far as I have. I don't know why I made it and they didn't; why I got better and they died. But I know I have to make sure that this disease is understood and respected for what it is and for what it is not. It cannot be turned into a misunderstood soundbite from a girl who wants it to fit into her agenda of furthering her career. None of us with lupus are going to allow that to happen. Only over our dead, cold bodies.
Let me clarify a few things first: I believe in a Universal, almighty Higher Power (we've been over this before, folks). I believe in miracles, although claiming them as God's miracles on a public stage can be a really tricky thing - God has a really weird sense of humor. I believe in the right of everyone to be wrong - especially young people - and to be forgiven for it. I believe that everyone should take responsibility for the things they say. I believe that information is power. I believe that the truth will set you free, and I believe to the bottom of my soul that Fox News is an instrument of the devil.
As I have already pointed out, this young lady is VERY young. She relatively recently won Miss Teen Oklahoma in order to run for Miss Oklahoma. So she can't be much more than 18 or so, I guess. Nineteen? I don't know, YOU Google it. My point is that she doesn't know what life is all about yet. She doesn't know one HAS to be accurate when referring to things on a national stage. And she certainly has no idea how mean and nasty people are, and how long people's memories are - LIKE THE ENTIRE LUPUS COMMUNITY. I mean it - I have NEVER seen outrage like this. These people want blood, and I'm not far behind them in my thinking. This has set our cause back by 20 years.
We had finally gained some respect through the TV show "House" ("It's NEVER Lupus!", a phrase Dr. House frequently says on the Fox (!) television series, is a HUGE rally cry for lupus patients now; the meaning behind it being clear to lupus patients at least: Lupus is the last thing anyone thinks of to use as a diagnosis because it is the disease of a thousand disguises). We had gained more recognition and understanding through multiple episodes on soap operas, nighttime shows like ER, Law & Order, L.A. Law, just to name a few. Garth Brooks had even written a song in memory of a friend that have passed over (sorry - my way of saying died) because of it. We had even won some higher profile supporters which is difficult for lupus. There are plenty of Hollywood stars with lupus but they cannot make their medical status public (unlike with some other diseases) due to the complications with insurance coverage. When you work on a film or television show you are required to have insurance coverage, and you can't get coverage if you have a diagnosis of systemic lupus. It's the "curse of death" in the life insurance industry. I have an uncle in the insurance business, and he wouldn't even write ME an insurance policy. OUCH!
For a kid the age of twenty (or so) to come along and proclaim that she has been CURED of lupus and is a walking miracle because God willed it that way is a near catastrophe for lupus sufferers. It has probably hurt us more than the denial by Social Security that "lupus is a disabling disease" EVER did. We finally got Social Security straightened out, and we now get disability retirement fairly easily (which I have been on for years). But the way I understand it, this woman said that her lupus was brought about by taking a drug, one of several that can bring about lupus symptoms. This is called "Drug-induced Lupus". When the drug is discontinued it does not always reverse the lupus symptoms, so she is, indeed, lucky that the symptoms went away when she discontinued the medication. BUT DISCONTINUING A DRUG IS NOT A MIRACLE. IT IS ALSO NOT A CURE, since there was no real disease to begin with. I am SPEECHLESS at the twisting of the truth for self-promotion and sympathy. I'm sure we have all stretched the truth for sympathy, and possibly even for self-promotion. But either this girl, or someone that is "handling" her and giving her advice, is doing a great disservice. By her putting drug-induced lupus in the same breath with "miracle" and "cure" she has confused fact for fancy, and taken on an entire nation of lupus patients - INCLUDING THE LUPUS PATIENTS THAT FULLY BELIEVE IN MIRACULOUS CURES, AS I DO. She needs to retract her statements and replace them with real, scientific and medical facts, stated clearly for all to hear so that the public doesn't think us lupus invalids are sitting around collecting disability and dying because it's so much fun. There is already too much of a credibility gap when it comes to lupus.
There is a HUGE credibility gap when people can't see you bleeding to death and you are low on blood (YES, THIS IS A REAL CIRCUMSTANCE; the body "eats", for lack of a better term, your blood and then you must have a transfusion to live). There is a HUGE credibility gap when your husband carries you into the Emergency Room and you're crying out in pain but after six hours of tests the doctors "can't find anything wrong" with you. There is a HUGE credibility gap when, on a Friday, you feel like you are on your death bed and can't go to work. Then on the next day - Saturday - you feel great and need something at the store, so you go out and run into your boss at the check out. There is a HUGE credibility gap when you tell your friend you'll meet her in Cozumel, so you both buy tickets to Cozumel and a week at the best hotel, then you wind up too sick to make the trip with her. There's an even BIGGER credibility gap when HUNDREDS of people who have worked and toiled alongside you, and called you "friend" for over eight years see you forcibly retired, knowing that you have some crazy illness that they don't understand so it scares them to death, and they NEVER, EVER speak to you again.
This is what lupus patients are up against; well, it is what I have been up against. These are just some of the things my soul is scarred with. These are just the run of the mill, everyday things. Hurtful and devastating emotionally, but nothing compared to the physical toll. I'm not even going there, because it's just too hard for others to understand and too complicated to try to explain. I don't want to sound mean, I just simply don't know how to explain it. How do you explain the confusion of slowly slipping into a coma? How do you explain pain and exhaustion to someone that just feels "normal" pain and exhaustion? I still remember "normal" exhaustion. Sometimes I still HAVE normal exhaustion. LOL I pray for those days. Those are my good days. I am grateful for those days. I work very hard to have those days and fortunately, for me, that's what most of them are. I'm lucky. So many people aren't that lucky. So many of my friends never made it as far as I have. I don't know why I made it and they didn't; why I got better and they died. But I know I have to make sure that this disease is understood and respected for what it is and for what it is not. It cannot be turned into a misunderstood soundbite from a girl who wants it to fit into her agenda of furthering her career. None of us with lupus are going to allow that to happen. Only over our dead, cold bodies.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Save the Manatees, Save the Mermaids
I finally did it! I got my "Causes" page up and running on Facebook! It, of course, is all about Manatees. With more than one person thinking I've lost it with moving to Florida to work with manatees I figured I'd better put my actions where all my money is going. I've done a great job, if I do say so myself. I have made my beneficiary the Save the Manatee Club. I hope they don't mind. HAHAHAHAHA! That organization is as poor as church mice! I thought at first I'd make the Endangered Species Coalition the beneficiary, but they are so about the "popular" animals, and my manatees are not very popular. They are the ugly step-children of the endangered species world. And I SO KNOW how that feels, so Save the Manatee it is.
I'm sending invites to every single person on my friend list. It looked like there were some articles on the home page of "Causes" on how to get the word out on one's cause so when I get some time, or when I get to Florida (whichever comes first), I'll read those and see what they have to say. I'm sure they can help.
Not a bad morning's work, I'd say. I think I'll go see what other trouble I can get into. :)
I'm sending invites to every single person on my friend list. It looked like there were some articles on the home page of "Causes" on how to get the word out on one's cause so when I get some time, or when I get to Florida (whichever comes first), I'll read those and see what they have to say. I'm sure they can help.
Not a bad morning's work, I'd say. I think I'll go see what other trouble I can get into. :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
What can I live without?
This pending move to Florida is changing my perspective on a lot of things. The entire time I have lived in this particular apartment I have been downsizing. My Feng Shui project motivated me to get rid of clothes, knick-knacks that no longer held any meaning, many kitchen gadgets, books, records, tapes, linens, SCADS of things. My move to Florida has encouraged me to take another look at what I don't use anymore.
I sat on the couch last night and looked around and started pointing out things I haven't used since I moved in here. My cassette player, more knick-knacks, one of my file cabinets, some of my placemats and napkins, candles, some dishes and cookware... so many things that I can easily live without. And having lost all the weight I have I can surely get rid of more clothes.
The book, "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a good read to get in the mood to purge belongings. The wife of Charles Lindbergh, and the mother of one of the most famous kidnapped babies in the world... talk about someone who had to get used to "living without" something! Loss and abandonment have always been two of my big issues. They still are, in many ways. But how great it is when I can sit down and look around and make a list of things I am going to get rid of. "Things" are not going to make me safe, or happy, or whatever it is I think I need to be. If I lose my "things" I am not going to die, or become less of a person - although there are those that think I will. As long as I love myself, validate myself, and stand up for myself I don't need much else. If I do all those things for myself there won't be any holes in my soul that I will need to fill with "stuff". The hole will be filled by the love I give myself.
What can I live without? Almost anything. Hell - almost everything! I will still want people in my life; people are a big part of what life is about. We're talking about THINGS, here. STUFF. America is stuck on consumption. I can't help but think if America were more spiritual (not religious) we would be such a better nation. But this is crossing into another subject, and another blog for another time.
I sat on the couch last night and looked around and started pointing out things I haven't used since I moved in here. My cassette player, more knick-knacks, one of my file cabinets, some of my placemats and napkins, candles, some dishes and cookware... so many things that I can easily live without. And having lost all the weight I have I can surely get rid of more clothes.
The book, "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a good read to get in the mood to purge belongings. The wife of Charles Lindbergh, and the mother of one of the most famous kidnapped babies in the world... talk about someone who had to get used to "living without" something! Loss and abandonment have always been two of my big issues. They still are, in many ways. But how great it is when I can sit down and look around and make a list of things I am going to get rid of. "Things" are not going to make me safe, or happy, or whatever it is I think I need to be. If I lose my "things" I am not going to die, or become less of a person - although there are those that think I will. As long as I love myself, validate myself, and stand up for myself I don't need much else. If I do all those things for myself there won't be any holes in my soul that I will need to fill with "stuff". The hole will be filled by the love I give myself.
What can I live without? Almost anything. Hell - almost everything! I will still want people in my life; people are a big part of what life is about. We're talking about THINGS, here. STUFF. America is stuck on consumption. I can't help but think if America were more spiritual (not religious) we would be such a better nation. But this is crossing into another subject, and another blog for another time.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Honest vs. Idiocy
So far, no one is following this particular blog. Therefore I feel like it's almost a journal for me. I've practically been using it that way. I know, that can be a dangerous thing on the internet; and that easily segues into my topic for this particular entry.
It has come to my attention - after much thought and meditation - that for a good part of my life what I was taking for honesty on my part was probably closer to idiocy. How did I come to that conclusion? I was trying to think back to what motivated me to say some things I did over the weekend. Saying stupid things off the top of your head is one thing. But I think there is usually some part of us that says these things for some hidden reason. We may or may not be aware of that motivation at the time, but if what you said sticks with you like a dry peanut butter sandwich then it may need analyzing.
I was brought up in a way that led me to think I needed to be COMPLETELY honest with everyone. I took the meaning of honesty to be "full disclosure". For instance: if I couldn't do something that someone asked me to do or if I had to back out of something I had promised to do I had to give them a reason as to why I couldn't do it. Call it guilt that was installed in childhood, or shame that existed in my family of origin, but that is how I was brought up. Over the years I have come to believe that guilt is mostly a useless emotion and shame is something that should only be used in small quantities. And I have worked very hard to keep it that way.
So when I reflect on what my motivation was to share the REASONS as to why I couldn't do something I think the biggest reason was that I felt an obligation to be there for people, because their opinion of me was the most important thing to me. I no longer feel that way. One of the rules I live by is, "It's none of my business what other people think of me." It is so much easier to live life that way. I am free to be me and I am much happier. I'm a better person and I have found that people that "disapprove of me" are actually people I don't really want to be friends with anyway. So I get to skip the wasted energy I used to spend on trying to "win them over" as friends. {Just so there is no misunderstanding here, I'm always courteous and respectful, but friendship is another thing entirely.}
But there are other motivations behind sharing things with people (what I used to call "being honest") that are probably colossally bad reasons to do so. Such as:
- wanting to let them know that you know something about them that they didn't know you knew
- wanting to appear "important" in some way
- wanting to appear as a person worthy of their "sympathy"
- wanting to appear in a positive light to impress whomever it is
I like to call this "one-upmanship". Frankly, it is bragging. This isn't honesty, this is simple self-destructiveness. It almost always blows up in your face and makes you look like a selfish, idiotic goon. Ladies and Gentlemen: may I introduce: ME! How many times have I done this and then IMMEDIATELY known it was a mistake? Every time? Probably. And when someone has done it to me I criticize them and (most likely) call them an idiot (in my head). I have no right to judge them, but I seem to have an obsession to judge myself. I guess that is how I try to become a better person - by realizing the behavior and changing it.
The long and the short of this is that I may have ruined what was a really lovely friendship I had enjoyed with all my heart and soul with a really nice guy. I put him (and me) in a terrible position and if he gives it much thought he'll probably feel very awkward at seeing me again, and possibly choose to step out of my life. That is an awful high price to pay for a lesson learned.
Ouch. :(
It has come to my attention - after much thought and meditation - that for a good part of my life what I was taking for honesty on my part was probably closer to idiocy. How did I come to that conclusion? I was trying to think back to what motivated me to say some things I did over the weekend. Saying stupid things off the top of your head is one thing. But I think there is usually some part of us that says these things for some hidden reason. We may or may not be aware of that motivation at the time, but if what you said sticks with you like a dry peanut butter sandwich then it may need analyzing.
I was brought up in a way that led me to think I needed to be COMPLETELY honest with everyone. I took the meaning of honesty to be "full disclosure". For instance: if I couldn't do something that someone asked me to do or if I had to back out of something I had promised to do I had to give them a reason as to why I couldn't do it. Call it guilt that was installed in childhood, or shame that existed in my family of origin, but that is how I was brought up. Over the years I have come to believe that guilt is mostly a useless emotion and shame is something that should only be used in small quantities. And I have worked very hard to keep it that way.
So when I reflect on what my motivation was to share the REASONS as to why I couldn't do something I think the biggest reason was that I felt an obligation to be there for people, because their opinion of me was the most important thing to me. I no longer feel that way. One of the rules I live by is, "It's none of my business what other people think of me." It is so much easier to live life that way. I am free to be me and I am much happier. I'm a better person and I have found that people that "disapprove of me" are actually people I don't really want to be friends with anyway. So I get to skip the wasted energy I used to spend on trying to "win them over" as friends. {Just so there is no misunderstanding here, I'm always courteous and respectful, but friendship is another thing entirely.}
But there are other motivations behind sharing things with people (what I used to call "being honest") that are probably colossally bad reasons to do so. Such as:
- wanting to let them know that you know something about them that they didn't know you knew
- wanting to appear "important" in some way
- wanting to appear as a person worthy of their "sympathy"
- wanting to appear in a positive light to impress whomever it is
I like to call this "one-upmanship". Frankly, it is bragging. This isn't honesty, this is simple self-destructiveness. It almost always blows up in your face and makes you look like a selfish, idiotic goon. Ladies and Gentlemen: may I introduce: ME! How many times have I done this and then IMMEDIATELY known it was a mistake? Every time? Probably. And when someone has done it to me I criticize them and (most likely) call them an idiot (in my head). I have no right to judge them, but I seem to have an obsession to judge myself. I guess that is how I try to become a better person - by realizing the behavior and changing it.
The long and the short of this is that I may have ruined what was a really lovely friendship I had enjoyed with all my heart and soul with a really nice guy. I put him (and me) in a terrible position and if he gives it much thought he'll probably feel very awkward at seeing me again, and possibly choose to step out of my life. That is an awful high price to pay for a lesson learned.
Ouch. :(
Sunday, June 14, 2009
My Trip to the Beach
I went to the beach Friday. All alone. I had to. I needed salt water and sand in the worst way. You see, I'm a Pisces (the sign of the Fish) and truly if ever anyone survives by water, it is I. I have no idea how I have survived so long living so far away from an actual body of water. In Texas and Florida it was ok. Even in Virginia it was bareable. But New York was hell. I mostly remember it as 4 years of deep, dark depression... in more than one way (but that's for another blog).
I made excellent time getting there, which is very odd. I go to Raleigh a fair amount. It always takes longer to get there than to get home. I call it the Theory of Going Downhill. Don't ask me why, but there are just some routes that take longer one way than the other. HEY - I DON'T MAKE UP THE RULES HERE, I JUST ABIDE BY THEM. ;p
Anyway. As I get closer and closer to the Causeway I start stretching my neck to see if I can see the blue; just catch a glimpse of the water. And then, there it is. It happens on each trip - every time. Everytime I see that blue water for the first time it literally takes my breath away. I have to stop and breathe again. The blueness? The smell? Something about it overwhelms my senses and my body can't handle it. My body stops its normal functioning and has to restart. It's like being home again. Back to where I belong. I wonder if it will still be there like I left it that last time; will it still be as blue, as beautiful, as fresh, as cold, as salty, as welcoming?
This time I went to Wrightsville Beach - the closest beach to Greensboro. Three and a half hours - give or take. Mostly give. Beach trips to the Outer Banks are not known for being quick to drive; well, let's face it. No beach trip is. Unless you do what I often did when I used to travel to be with the family on the Outer Banks when we used to go in the summers... I travelled at night. It was SO much easier - no traffic! But again, I digress.
I had everything planned out: 2 Gatorades, chips, turkey sandwich, Mounds mini-bars in my mini cooler, towels in one bag, kite and umbrella in separate bags, and then my tarp, books, sunscreen, brush, money, etc, in my backpack. I could carry it all with no problem. I later learned that two women (whom I met leaving the beach) saw me unloading my car with my stuff earlier in the day noted at the time how "well prepared and packed" I was. They stopped me and told me when we left the beach together! LOL It made me feel good. If only they could see my apartment during it's re-feng-shui period right now... they'd never believe I was the same girl!
I took the place of some people I passed on my way in that were leaving for the day (weirdos!). The wind was blowing pretty strong. It took me awhile to get everything set up. It must have been during that time that my back got burned. I always forget that while you're doing all that stuff your back is getting all that sun. BOY, did I feel it last night, and I'm feeling it today as well. My front looks like it wasn't even at the beach with me! What's that about??? WTF? Now I'm going to have to go out of my way up at my brother's house to get the front tanned. Oh well... The life of a sun goddess.
The last thing to go up was the kite. I LOVE my kite. It has fish and coral on it. And (don't be alarmed) it's got a lot of purple on it, too. I don't think it was 50 feet up and that wind was blowing like a bitch. I connected it to the D-ring on my kite weight (yes, I have a thing you dig a hole for and fill with wet sand and it secures your flying kite - if you're lucky - all day long if you want it to. Is that the coolest thing or what???) and it was blowing all over the place. I had to reel it in a bit, but there it stayed for all to see. It was awesome.
Something stung me my first time in. Not too bad, must have just been some floating stingers. Can't even feel it today. The waves were wonderful. It was cold. I kept my bikini on during the whole time in the water (hey - that's notable. It doesn't always stay on through some of those waves). I just wanted to go further and further out. The neat thing about North Carolina is that there is usually a sand bank for quite a ways out so if you can get through the breaking waves you can get to a place that is relatively peaceful and just stand and play in the water. But don't do this at sunrise or sunset. That's when the large animals (read as Sharks) are eating. And yes, they come in that close.
I left that place around 5:45 or so. I went to buy a new beach chair because all of mine had died heroic deaths in the line of duty. I found a cool one and headed back out to watch the sunset on a little stretch of beach further out on Wrightsville Beach. It was an "official" public beach with an outdoor shower and bathroooms. :) I only took the chair and my back pack this time, and I only wrote a little this time, unlike earlier in the afternoon when I had gotten quite a bit of writing in. I had been wanting to do some journaling and writing and thought the beach was a good place to start that. It was.
By this time the tide was coming in and I shifted my gaze from the waves to the incredible anvil cloud to the left. When I turned around to see the sunset itself (that is the big drawback on an East Coast beach: you can't really watch the sunset over the ocean. A little thing called Geography gets in the way) I noticed an even bigger anvil cloud behind me. I watch a seagull try to get the better of some poor little live piece of seafood it had caught. Galant try but the seagull won, eventually.
I thought about life, what has been going on in mine, what will be, what won't be, why, and what I can do about it. And when I finally realized that the sky was a gorgeous shade of purple I had the awful feeling of knowing that it was nearly time for me to turn around and go home. I began to cry. I always cry when I leave the ocean or the beach. ALWAYS. I began to wonder: Why, if you cry such bitter, real, sad tears do you ever leave the beach at all? Why would you do that to yourself over and over again? When lovers cry when they leave each other they frequently decide to fix it and get married or live together or something. At least they frequently decide to live in the same city. Why have I not done this? I did give it a cursory look one time, but decided money would not allow it. I haven't revisited the topic recently.
I'm tired of leaving the one place that means so much to me that I cry when I'm not around it. It makes no logical (or emotional) sense - not if I have the power and the money to change it... which I guess is the big question. There was a house for sale on the end of Augusta (street? drive?) where I parked at the first beach. It was a fixer-upper, you could tell. But it was precious. Yellow, with a porch, right on the beach, but it wasn't on stilts. That's why it would be a fixer-upper. Ha! Get it? UPPER? LOL Oh, if I had the money. This would be the time to buy, too. Did I mention Pisces are dreamers, too? :) But I can do more than dream. I can attract it into my life. So - here I go.
I made excellent time getting there, which is very odd. I go to Raleigh a fair amount. It always takes longer to get there than to get home. I call it the Theory of Going Downhill. Don't ask me why, but there are just some routes that take longer one way than the other. HEY - I DON'T MAKE UP THE RULES HERE, I JUST ABIDE BY THEM. ;p
Anyway. As I get closer and closer to the Causeway I start stretching my neck to see if I can see the blue; just catch a glimpse of the water. And then, there it is. It happens on each trip - every time. Everytime I see that blue water for the first time it literally takes my breath away. I have to stop and breathe again. The blueness? The smell? Something about it overwhelms my senses and my body can't handle it. My body stops its normal functioning and has to restart. It's like being home again. Back to where I belong. I wonder if it will still be there like I left it that last time; will it still be as blue, as beautiful, as fresh, as cold, as salty, as welcoming?
This time I went to Wrightsville Beach - the closest beach to Greensboro. Three and a half hours - give or take. Mostly give. Beach trips to the Outer Banks are not known for being quick to drive; well, let's face it. No beach trip is. Unless you do what I often did when I used to travel to be with the family on the Outer Banks when we used to go in the summers... I travelled at night. It was SO much easier - no traffic! But again, I digress.
I had everything planned out: 2 Gatorades, chips, turkey sandwich, Mounds mini-bars in my mini cooler, towels in one bag, kite and umbrella in separate bags, and then my tarp, books, sunscreen, brush, money, etc, in my backpack. I could carry it all with no problem. I later learned that two women (whom I met leaving the beach) saw me unloading my car with my stuff earlier in the day noted at the time how "well prepared and packed" I was. They stopped me and told me when we left the beach together! LOL It made me feel good. If only they could see my apartment during it's re-feng-shui period right now... they'd never believe I was the same girl!
I took the place of some people I passed on my way in that were leaving for the day (weirdos!). The wind was blowing pretty strong. It took me awhile to get everything set up. It must have been during that time that my back got burned. I always forget that while you're doing all that stuff your back is getting all that sun. BOY, did I feel it last night, and I'm feeling it today as well. My front looks like it wasn't even at the beach with me! What's that about??? WTF? Now I'm going to have to go out of my way up at my brother's house to get the front tanned. Oh well... The life of a sun goddess.
The last thing to go up was the kite. I LOVE my kite. It has fish and coral on it. And (don't be alarmed) it's got a lot of purple on it, too. I don't think it was 50 feet up and that wind was blowing like a bitch. I connected it to the D-ring on my kite weight (yes, I have a thing you dig a hole for and fill with wet sand and it secures your flying kite - if you're lucky - all day long if you want it to. Is that the coolest thing or what???) and it was blowing all over the place. I had to reel it in a bit, but there it stayed for all to see. It was awesome.
Something stung me my first time in. Not too bad, must have just been some floating stingers. Can't even feel it today. The waves were wonderful. It was cold. I kept my bikini on during the whole time in the water (hey - that's notable. It doesn't always stay on through some of those waves). I just wanted to go further and further out. The neat thing about North Carolina is that there is usually a sand bank for quite a ways out so if you can get through the breaking waves you can get to a place that is relatively peaceful and just stand and play in the water. But don't do this at sunrise or sunset. That's when the large animals (read as Sharks) are eating. And yes, they come in that close.
I left that place around 5:45 or so. I went to buy a new beach chair because all of mine had died heroic deaths in the line of duty. I found a cool one and headed back out to watch the sunset on a little stretch of beach further out on Wrightsville Beach. It was an "official" public beach with an outdoor shower and bathroooms. :) I only took the chair and my back pack this time, and I only wrote a little this time, unlike earlier in the afternoon when I had gotten quite a bit of writing in. I had been wanting to do some journaling and writing and thought the beach was a good place to start that. It was.
By this time the tide was coming in and I shifted my gaze from the waves to the incredible anvil cloud to the left. When I turned around to see the sunset itself (that is the big drawback on an East Coast beach: you can't really watch the sunset over the ocean. A little thing called Geography gets in the way) I noticed an even bigger anvil cloud behind me. I watch a seagull try to get the better of some poor little live piece of seafood it had caught. Galant try but the seagull won, eventually.
I thought about life, what has been going on in mine, what will be, what won't be, why, and what I can do about it. And when I finally realized that the sky was a gorgeous shade of purple I had the awful feeling of knowing that it was nearly time for me to turn around and go home. I began to cry. I always cry when I leave the ocean or the beach. ALWAYS. I began to wonder: Why, if you cry such bitter, real, sad tears do you ever leave the beach at all? Why would you do that to yourself over and over again? When lovers cry when they leave each other they frequently decide to fix it and get married or live together or something. At least they frequently decide to live in the same city. Why have I not done this? I did give it a cursory look one time, but decided money would not allow it. I haven't revisited the topic recently.
I'm tired of leaving the one place that means so much to me that I cry when I'm not around it. It makes no logical (or emotional) sense - not if I have the power and the money to change it... which I guess is the big question. There was a house for sale on the end of Augusta (street? drive?) where I parked at the first beach. It was a fixer-upper, you could tell. But it was precious. Yellow, with a porch, right on the beach, but it wasn't on stilts. That's why it would be a fixer-upper. Ha! Get it? UPPER? LOL Oh, if I had the money. This would be the time to buy, too. Did I mention Pisces are dreamers, too? :) But I can do more than dream. I can attract it into my life. So - here I go.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Positives of Letting Go
I have found that when the Universe is trying to get a message to me - trying to get my attention - it hammers and hammers and hammers at me until it finally gets through my thick skull what it is trying to tell me. Sometimes it takes longer for me to get the message than others. Lately, I've really been trying to figure out why certain things have been happening in my life. I'm not saying this is the complete answer, but something happened today to make one thing perfectly clear - again: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS I HAVE TO LEARN IN THIS LIFETIME IS TO LET THINGS GO - ACCEPT LOSS AND MOVE ON.
Loss has been a constant companion in my life. That's why I'm so convinced it is a primary lesson for me. Letting go of some things is easy - even for me! LOL I'm talking about the other, rather harder things. Stuff like my health, my father, the nice things I have worked hard to buy for myself - like my cars (count 'em, TWO!), all of my front teeth (at the same time I lost one of my cars!... Good times...), feelings and emotions, jobs and careers, dreams and ideas, sharing of myself with others... I have to learn to let things go, but LET THEM GO WITH LOVE instead of anger and bad feelings. That is the hard part. To that end, I like the theory of the onion. It goes like this: every time you go through the process of letting go with love it gets easier - like peeling an onion. Each layer gets you closer to the center, and it gets easier to peel. And, I guess, less tears. {I don't know... I haven't tested this theory in real life... but I digress} The point is it DOES get easier the more you practice it.
Some of my losses have been so big that they have sent me into complete tailspins. The loss of my step-father (relatively recently) truly brought so many of my old loss issues to the surface that it took me months to get over. The good news is that it didn't take as long to get over my step-father's death as it did to get over my Dad's death. So I think the onion theory works. At least it has with me.
I guess what I have learned through it all is that each loss must be followed up with a new dream, a new idea or vivid and cherished memories that lessen the sting of losing the one you loved. Find any way at all to make the loss into something positive and remember that loss is an opportunity for new beginnings.
My father used to tell me any problem that well-rounded people over 40 experience is usually spiritual in nature. Said another way: The solution to your problem, my friend, lies in your spirituality. Spending too much money on all the wrong things? Turn to your spirituality; what does your soul tell you is making you spend your money so unwisely? What hole are you trying to fill that cannot really be filled with "things"? Unhappy at your job? What is Spirit trying to tell you about how you feel about your job? (Just a hunch: I doubt Spirit is trying to tell you that you work with turkeys. Messages from the Universe and your soul are very seldom so trivial.) Try as I might I have never been able to disprove this theory that my Dad gave me. Whatever problems I have faced since being over 40 I have been able to boil down to difficult spiritual decisions waiting to be made. Whether it had to do with moving, losing weight, money, not hanging out with certain friends as much, loving more, hating less, accepting more, resisting less, doing what I want rather than what others think I should, telling the truth no matter how much it hurt - especially to myself... whatever.
There is always a positive waiting to be found. The more you look for them the easier it is to find them. Coming from a place of gratitude always helps. The first trick, however, is listening to the Universe and hearing what it is trying to tell you. Only then can we live in harmony with all that is around us and quit slamming our head into that proverbial brick wall. Sometimes that pounding in our head drowns out the clear voice of our soul and the Universe.
Loss has been a constant companion in my life. That's why I'm so convinced it is a primary lesson for me. Letting go of some things is easy - even for me! LOL I'm talking about the other, rather harder things. Stuff like my health, my father, the nice things I have worked hard to buy for myself - like my cars (count 'em, TWO!), all of my front teeth (at the same time I lost one of my cars!... Good times...), feelings and emotions, jobs and careers, dreams and ideas, sharing of myself with others... I have to learn to let things go, but LET THEM GO WITH LOVE instead of anger and bad feelings. That is the hard part. To that end, I like the theory of the onion. It goes like this: every time you go through the process of letting go with love it gets easier - like peeling an onion. Each layer gets you closer to the center, and it gets easier to peel. And, I guess, less tears. {I don't know... I haven't tested this theory in real life... but I digress} The point is it DOES get easier the more you practice it.
Some of my losses have been so big that they have sent me into complete tailspins. The loss of my step-father (relatively recently) truly brought so many of my old loss issues to the surface that it took me months to get over. The good news is that it didn't take as long to get over my step-father's death as it did to get over my Dad's death. So I think the onion theory works. At least it has with me.
I guess what I have learned through it all is that each loss must be followed up with a new dream, a new idea or vivid and cherished memories that lessen the sting of losing the one you loved. Find any way at all to make the loss into something positive and remember that loss is an opportunity for new beginnings.
My father used to tell me any problem that well-rounded people over 40 experience is usually spiritual in nature. Said another way: The solution to your problem, my friend, lies in your spirituality. Spending too much money on all the wrong things? Turn to your spirituality; what does your soul tell you is making you spend your money so unwisely? What hole are you trying to fill that cannot really be filled with "things"? Unhappy at your job? What is Spirit trying to tell you about how you feel about your job? (Just a hunch: I doubt Spirit is trying to tell you that you work with turkeys. Messages from the Universe and your soul are very seldom so trivial.) Try as I might I have never been able to disprove this theory that my Dad gave me. Whatever problems I have faced since being over 40 I have been able to boil down to difficult spiritual decisions waiting to be made. Whether it had to do with moving, losing weight, money, not hanging out with certain friends as much, loving more, hating less, accepting more, resisting less, doing what I want rather than what others think I should, telling the truth no matter how much it hurt - especially to myself... whatever.
There is always a positive waiting to be found. The more you look for them the easier it is to find them. Coming from a place of gratitude always helps. The first trick, however, is listening to the Universe and hearing what it is trying to tell you. Only then can we live in harmony with all that is around us and quit slamming our head into that proverbial brick wall. Sometimes that pounding in our head drowns out the clear voice of our soul and the Universe.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
If Wishes Were Fishes
Many of us have probably been at a place where we never thought we'd find ourselves. Well, here I am. I never thought I'd be this far along in life and not have a mate or a friend I could call to do something with on a gloriously beautiful Saturday.
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. I have many. Most of them live out of town, however. I followed my Ex-husband halfway across the United States foolishly thinking that was the thing to do. Isn't loyalty a part of marriage? Especially when I didn't work or have a career of my own at the time. It took me years to wake up to the fact that loyalty should only be a part of it when loyalty is present and equal on both parties' sides. He wasn't really following a dream, he was running from bad decisions and behavior. Alcoholism will make one do that.
So my friends are literally scattered up and down the East Coast and in Texas and Oklahoma. Thanks to the internet and Facebook I can stay in touch with them. And thanks to Lupus (yes, I am grateful for all things because there are no mistakes in the Universe) I can travel to see them when time and money permit. But that still leaves me here in little ol' Greensboro, North Carolina. Pretty much alone with nothing to do on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
Again, I must qualify that statement. I know of about a dozen men that would love to get together and have carnal knowledge of me. Hey - I love sex more than any girl I know (right now) but I need more than just a role in the hay for it to do much for me. OK, that's a HUGE lie. The truth is I'm trying to live closer to my spiritual core. And I can't do that and have random sex with random men that just want to randomly have my body - no matter how randomly I want it. I use to think it was "spontaneous". Spontaneity has nothing to do with it. It's just random. Men, I think, are built for it. Women - not so much. We have those hormones that tie us to people and things. They are what make us "Not Men". They are what make some of us wish we were lesbians. But that is for another blog.
Truth be told there might be one or two people (read as women) I could call to go do something with today but I know they are either busy or out of town. As I get more involved in these "Meetups" that I am joining I am meeting more and different people that I can do things with outside of the Meetups. But it takes a long time to cultivate a friendship when people have such busy lives of their own. I think most people assume I work. Well, why wouldn't they assume that? I look normal and seem intelligent. Very few people know of my history with lupus (as far as I know). Which is fine - I don't necessarily want to announce it at meetings. People treat you differently sometimes. They avoid you like the plague or they treat you like you're dying. Right now I just get treated normally, which is nice. :)
So, as usual, I am left to my own devices on the beautiful, sunny, birds chirping Saturday. I won't dwell on how lonely I am. I'll do errands, walk, do my back exercises, continue on the feng shui of the apartment, and miss going to the beach because I thought I needed the sleep today. Turns out I really didn't get that much extra sleep. It just isn't happening these days. Thanks, Dr. John. ASSHOLE. It's probably time I head to the DC area to see the Bro and the Nieces. Get away from here awhile and play with them and in the pool. I can always get in trouble up there. :D
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. I have many. Most of them live out of town, however. I followed my Ex-husband halfway across the United States foolishly thinking that was the thing to do. Isn't loyalty a part of marriage? Especially when I didn't work or have a career of my own at the time. It took me years to wake up to the fact that loyalty should only be a part of it when loyalty is present and equal on both parties' sides. He wasn't really following a dream, he was running from bad decisions and behavior. Alcoholism will make one do that.
So my friends are literally scattered up and down the East Coast and in Texas and Oklahoma. Thanks to the internet and Facebook I can stay in touch with them. And thanks to Lupus (yes, I am grateful for all things because there are no mistakes in the Universe) I can travel to see them when time and money permit. But that still leaves me here in little ol' Greensboro, North Carolina. Pretty much alone with nothing to do on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
Again, I must qualify that statement. I know of about a dozen men that would love to get together and have carnal knowledge of me. Hey - I love sex more than any girl I know (right now) but I need more than just a role in the hay for it to do much for me. OK, that's a HUGE lie. The truth is I'm trying to live closer to my spiritual core. And I can't do that and have random sex with random men that just want to randomly have my body - no matter how randomly I want it. I use to think it was "spontaneous". Spontaneity has nothing to do with it. It's just random. Men, I think, are built for it. Women - not so much. We have those hormones that tie us to people and things. They are what make us "Not Men". They are what make some of us wish we were lesbians. But that is for another blog.
Truth be told there might be one or two people (read as women) I could call to go do something with today but I know they are either busy or out of town. As I get more involved in these "Meetups" that I am joining I am meeting more and different people that I can do things with outside of the Meetups. But it takes a long time to cultivate a friendship when people have such busy lives of their own. I think most people assume I work. Well, why wouldn't they assume that? I look normal and seem intelligent. Very few people know of my history with lupus (as far as I know). Which is fine - I don't necessarily want to announce it at meetings. People treat you differently sometimes. They avoid you like the plague or they treat you like you're dying. Right now I just get treated normally, which is nice. :)
So, as usual, I am left to my own devices on the beautiful, sunny, birds chirping Saturday. I won't dwell on how lonely I am. I'll do errands, walk, do my back exercises, continue on the feng shui of the apartment, and miss going to the beach because I thought I needed the sleep today. Turns out I really didn't get that much extra sleep. It just isn't happening these days. Thanks, Dr. John. ASSHOLE. It's probably time I head to the DC area to see the Bro and the Nieces. Get away from here awhile and play with them and in the pool. I can always get in trouble up there. :D
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