I think I may have something to say, FINALLY

I haven't posted a blog this year.  It hasn't been the best year, I must say.  And if I haven't blogged it must mean I am afraid of something:  Afraid of sharing myself, afraid of being made fun of, afraid of being embarrassed, of being wrong, or seen as stupid, or too smart, or of being "found out" that I am simply not good enough for some imagined measurement of personhood that people use to judge others.

When I used to ask my wonderful Dad for help as to how I could change something in my life he would tell me, "When you get tired enough of it you'll change it".  There's a lot of truth in that.  There's something about being miserable that makes you ready to change things.  Through the past several months my life has taken so many twists and turns that I'm not quite yet sure which way is up, or which way I'm headed.  But one thing I know now is that it doesn't really matter.  Whichever way I am going I must forge ahead, for better or for worse.  I cannot continue to isolate myself and be as depressed over happenings in my life - no matter how big.

It is humbling to realize that life really can bring you to your knees without the support of others, no matter how strong you think you are.  Since my divorce and Father's death I have become more and more convinced that I was supposed to go through life alone; relying on no one but myself.  I have discovered, relatively recently, that is not true, and although I may not yet be convinced I am worthy of love I think there is a possibility of it and I am hopeful.  Surely, this is a damn site better than where I have been.

That is all, for now.  More later.    >O'  <----that's my fish icon...